Epic quotes (Screw cleanliness, it's no holds barred, now)

[ChainsawDooM]

So I was at work today, signing for a package from UPS..
When the FedEx guy walks in with a package of his own.
And at that EXACT moment, a customer changes the channel to TBS and the Mortal Kombat movie is on, right when the fight theme music starts.
Did they break out into a delivery duel to the death?
I was prepared for parcel projectiles and FedEx fatalities.
They eyed each other, and I knew something was about to happen...
But then the guy changed the channel to "Trading Spaces" and the fight was over.  

[LittleTnCo]

Chainsaw, you are crazy man! That's why I love ya. I laughed my azz off.  

[ChainsawDooM]

< Sheik16, 5/9/08 02:33 am> I don't hate people, I just strongly dislike them with every fiber of my being and hope they die, but I never hate people.

thats very closly related to the word hate

Hate is such a strong word. Just don't let someone piss you off until you try to kill them by stabbing them thirty-seven times with a WWII can opener.

can-do  

[ChainsawDooM]

And, now begins the unflitered-ness.

Lesbians aren't sexy, in my opinion. I mean, if they're lesbians, I'm obviously not gonna get any, so why waste my time.
lesbos make good porn
But, it's a bunch of licking
I can go to Baskin Robbins and see that  

[ChainsawDooM]

: Best suicide plan ever
: what is it?
: you go up to the top of a roof
: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
: then you put super glue on your hands
: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
: And some poor bas**** will be traumatized for LIFE.
: i dont think i can be your friend anymore  

[ChainsawDooM]

LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
is it modded?  

[ChainsawDooM]

Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't let this kid invade a vampire's a**s in this RPG, right, I was GMing, and his character was an a**s Shade, with the power to possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I figured that vampires don't have anuses.
a vampire's a**s is present, but non-working.
like a network card without the appropriate driver.
Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.
And you're DMing an rpg with a**s Shades.  

[ChainsawDooM]

"Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
GOOD LUCK, B****.  

[ChainsawDooM]

<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<&#xTh;e_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<&#xTh;e_Coolest> surprised
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'  

[ChainsawDooM]

I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Valvados.
Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.
But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
...
o.o
hmm
i dunno what you were supposed to get revenge for, either
I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though.
well, whatever i did, i guess i deserved it
Let that possibly be a lesson to you.  

[ChainsawDooM]

We vegetarians love the environment. carnivores are sick freaks.
How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the f***ing plants  

[ChainsawDooM]

so i had a checkup at the doctor a couple months ago
i waited in the g**d*** lobby for like 2 hours
i was just starting to doze off when they called me back into one of the exam rooms
so i sit on this chair for like 30 more mins, and then fall asleep
i wake up and have no idea what time it is or how long i've been waiting
so 20 minutes later after I finished reading the Hispanic Business Weekly
I start diggin through the drawers in the exam table and his desk drawer
i find some hypos and don't touch them, some dressing gowns, and then i get to the drawer marked "OB/GYN"
i open it up, take a peeky-peek inside, and what do I see? Speculums and rectal dilators.
At this point I'm in his desk rolly-chair
with about 40 rubber gloves in my pockets for later use
so I grab a speculum in each hand
and start making them sing and talk like little ducks
i was rooting around for a sharpie and couldn't find one
so i put them down and did my glove-trick
i stretched a rubber glove over my head and blew it up
then i grabbbed the speculums and started spinning around in his chair
glove inflated on my head the size of two basketballs
speculum in each hand
spinning in his office chair
i hear footsteps and as i'm extending my legs to slow down, the door opens
the doctor is standing there with my chart in his hand
omg
i stopped spinning and just sat there, looking at him through the thin film of the glove
he was like "Corey.....?"
I said "Yep."
held up the speculums.
said, "I got bored."
and he was like "That's quite a trick with those gloves. Where did you learn that?"
I said "Many doctor's offices in many states."
He was like "You want to take some with you?" as I got up
I pulled the wad out of my pocket and said "Already did."
then I walked out and i heard him laughing like a g**d*** maniac as soon as the door was closed
then the other day i go in again rofl and he just hands me a brand new unopened box of 100 gloves
i was gonna ask for some speculums just to ******** with him but I was afraid he'd give me some  

[ChainsawDooM]

This cake is soooo good
it's like sex, except I'm having it  

[ChainsawDooM]

* @Lan plays with his privates.
...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat  

[ChainsawDooM]

*** Zeron is now known as you
* you farted.
* you sigh in frustration.
* you lose
* you suck at life
*** Wildfyre is now known as our
* Goblin_Leecher thinks you need a life
* our conversation is entirely too weird
*** Goblin_Leecher is now known as we
* we are going stir crazy
* you are going a little too far
* our laughter fills the offices nearby.
* you are fired.
* we need new jobs
* you agree
* you wonder when this madness will end
* we are not sane
* you are correct
* our sanity has left?
you know...if a sane person were to walk in here...they'd be very very confused right about now...
* you are one with the matrix.