[FIN] Drowning

[Suudonym]

"But I want to be there for you too," he said. "I want to be someone you can rely on... someone you want to rely on. But I'm always just making more trouble for you. How can I expect you to let me support you if I can't even support myself?"  

[Blood_Goddess]

"I can rely on you." she tilted her head a little her brow furrowing "You've always been there when I needed someone. But- Luke I'm okay, I don't have to deal with all this terrible stuff like you do."  

[Suudonym]

"I'm just... worried." His eyes fell, and he barely resisted to reflex to burrow back into his makeshift hiding place. "Because you're kind, and you're considerate, so I'm worried that I act like this and if something bothers you, you'll just bear it on your own because, you know, I'm already like this - I can't imagine I look like someone who anyone would want to talk to about problems or concerns."

He tucked his head down slightly further, speaking more quietly, "You remember last spring, when you called after everything happened with your father? You said nothing was wrong, nothing was wrong... but once you talked about it, it sounded like you wanted to cry." He shook his head mildly. "I know you're stronger than I am, but I don't want you to have no choice but to be that strong."  

[Blood_Goddess]

Her lips parted quickly as if she was going to disagree with his claim, but as he continued she stopped dead, hesitated then closed her mouth.
It was a point he brought up that she had every intention of dismissing and saying that he shouldn't worry, and that she didn't keep her own problems to herself.
It struck her very suddenly, that if she said that, then she would be lying to him.
She didn't really think of it that way...

Again her mouth opened, for a couple of seconds her cheeks flushing a little pink before she finally spoke "Its not really..."
She paused, clearly not expecting this turn in the conversation.  

[Suudonym]

He doubted her secretiveness was really intentional; she was just strong - too strong for her own good, in some ways - and considerate of others' feelings and circumstances. Certainly no one would expect her to bare her heart for the world, but he was her fiance, and with as little as felt he had done to support her, he couldn't help but second-guess what kind of worth he really had to her.

"It wouldn't be a bother or a burden, if you think that," he said, his words quiet and careful. "I'd be really happy if you'd let me listen when you're worried about something. If I could just do a fraction as much for you as you do for me..."  

[Blood_Goddess]

She leaned back a little, sitting in complete silence as she let what he said sink in, and she couldn't help but realize that he was right.

Whats worse is that she just didn't think about it before, she dealt with things on her own, that's how she's always been.
Growing up, she sometimes saw that the people around her just never seemed to be able to smile as easily as her, so when she found it hard to, she kept it to herself so it wouldn't get anyone else down. Sometimes it felt like she just wasn't allowed to be upset, but again, she dealt with it herself, and she'd been okay with that.
It helped other people, and that's all she really hoped for, but she didn't stop to think for a second that maybe it wasn't fare either, especially to Luke who explain his reasoning in a way that made sense to her.
She was sad that he wouldn't come to her with his problems, when she didn't even stop to think to go to him, her fiance, with most of hers.

Instantly she felt a terrible sense of empathy for the scenario in her head and looked back up at him.
"you're right... I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that..."  

[Suudonym]

"It's just natural for you that way, right?" he said. "Because you always put everyone else before yourself... You said you didn't want me to have to do anything alone - it's the same for me." He lowered his face once more. "Let me be worth something to you."  

[Blood_Goddess]

She nodded lightly, assuming it must be if she didn't even think about it.
She didn't like to think that he though he didn't mean anything to her, he already meant so much, and she loved him for it. But if this was what he wanted then she was going to have to learn how to change how she dealt with upsetting situations.
It made her nervous, but she could at least do it for him.

Leaning forward again, she put her forehead on his shoulder, binging an arm around his neck.
"You're worth everything to me... I'll be better at talking to you."  

[Suudonym]

Nothing about the situation had been designed with the intent to convince Rosie to change any of her ways, but nonetheless the assurance put him somewhat at ease. Gently he raised a hand to her arm. "I'm sorry," he said, though the sentiment was impulsive and directionless despite its sincerity.  

[Blood_Goddess]

The progression of the conversation had ended up in a place that she wasn't really expecting it to go, but for whatever reason it seemed like it needed to go there.
He spoke the gentle apology and she responded with a gentle shake of her head, leaning into him a little more.
She allowed herself to linger there for a little while before lifting her head back up and returning a somewhat ashamed gaze to him.
"Just... please don't go drinking for reasons like that... please, please, please."  

[Suudonym]

He shook his head slightly, "I wouldn't - not for any reason." It was just bad in every way; what little curiosity he had ever had in his life was summarily abolished.  

[Blood_Goddess]

Rosie let out a light breath of relief and nodded, She didn't want to see him get trapped in that dangerous world.
"Are you feeling okay?"  

[Suudonym]

He nodded, the gesture just as mild as his last, "More or less, I think."  

[Blood_Goddess]

"okay..." she said quietly, watching him for a couple more seconds before she reached over to pick up the glass she had put on the table, handing it to him.  

[Suudonym]

He unfolded his posture enough to accept the offered glass, holding it gingerly. At this point he mostly just felt deeply, fundamentally exhausted - which was preferable to how he felt just a few moments earlier, but it wasn't exactly the idea.