[FIN] Not So Strong Now

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

Izaya's body tensed when he was kept from leaving. He jerked his head back to meet Zacharie's eyes, expression furious. At the purple-haired agent's swift delivery of his words, however, it was like he'd stabbed the informant in the gut with the way the anger in his face was replaced by irrefutable agony. When he was released, the man fell to his knees.

"No, nononono - you can't. You don't get to say that. You can't. You can't DO this to me!" He clutched his head in his hands as he broke down anew. "I worked...I worked so hard!! I kept away, I did everything! Everything I could! So WHY?!"  

[insidiousEnigma]

Maybe he really should have just kept quiet.

Zacharie anxiously shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his gaze flickering between Izaya and the door. "I-I told you...you don't really have much of a say in who you grow attachments to. It's chemical reactions in your brain jump-started by interactions." He prattled nervously, unsure of what to do in this situation.  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

"Don't give me that crap!" The disgruntled man grabbed the closest thing within reach - a mostly empty water bottle someone must have left behind - and tossed it at Zacharie's head.

"You want me to ask for help? Huh?! How about you help me figure out how to turn off these damn chemical reactions?! Or better yet, just make me go brain-dead like Lance! Anything is better than this!"  

[insidiousEnigma]

Instinctively, Zacharie reached up and swatted the water bottle away before it could actually hit him. Why would someone want to live that way? It seemed so lonely... "Is it...is it really so bad?" He asked softly, his gaze fixed on his shoes. "That you'd be willing to go through such lengths..."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

"It's <******** hell!!" Izaya yelled at him, wringing his hands through his hair. "Not that you would understand; I'm not like you or your sadist brother!

"What the hell is wrong with you, anyway, to care about someone like me after Jerome replaced me with you and I treated you the way I did?! You're broken! You'll never be capable of having normal relationships of any kind with anyone no matter how much you study them. Can't you see that?" He flung out his arms dramatically.

"Andre is incapable of feeling empathy. Have you ever thought that maybe the trait is genetic and that's why you're so inept at being social? You're just a typical lost child who hasn't grown up mentally and probably never will but wants to cling to whomever he can and will latch onto those who seem as broken as he is because misery loves company!"  

[insidiousEnigma]

Zacharie stood shell-shocked.

He felt anxiousjitteryangryhurtfrightened.
He didn't quite know what he felt and that in and of itself was frightening at the moment.

He remembered what his parents had whispered when they thought he wasn't listening. About how he was 'like him'. Had they been talking about Andre? Was Izaya actually telling the truth when he said that his brother lacked empathy? "I'm...b-broken...?" He repeated meekly, his shoulders hunching as he seemed to sort of close in on himself. He thought he had gotten over this...it appeared that he hadn't. "I'm not though...I'm not!" He too gripped his hair tightly with both hands. "You're wrong. You're just doing it again, trying to make me angry so you can push me away so you don't have to deal with that fact that someone actually cares."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

"Am I?" the older man shot back. "Keep telling yourself that, Zachie-chan. That's what children do, after all; believe in what they want to make themselves feel better. Stay shut up inside your own little world, protected from reality and safe forever."

And stay out of mine. The only one who needs to be shut up alone is me.

Forcing himself back to his feet, Izaya took a few more deep breaths, staring hard and scathingly at Zacharie for a few moments. When he thought he could get his legs to carry him without collapsing again, he turned and attempted to leave once more.  

[insidiousEnigma]

"The same could be said about you, Trainee Nakura." Zacharie snapped in reply, returning the scathing glare with one of his own. "You would certainly know what that's like, wouldn't you? It's pretty easy for the pot to call the kettle black." His grip around his things tightened until his knuckles turned white. "I can see what you're doing, I'm not stupid despite what you think. I do care," He spat the word like he was flinging an insult. "but you can go ahead and keep playing the victim if it makes it easier to justify your actions to yourself."

With that, he pointed rather aggressively to the door. "Just go."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

The ex-Rocket didn't turn around, nor did he stop or falter in his slow attempt to leave using his weakened legs. That wasn't to say he didn't hear the agent's words, however.

"Just because I wear the uniform doesn't mean I'm a trainee, agent. Remember, I'm a traitor - I'm not even considered a real Rocket anymore. If you weren't stupid, then you would have realized long ago what's been happening to everyone who cares about me and understand that it'd be in your best interests to stay away."

It was almost laughable how the pattern went. Both Aila and Faleen had been agents and now Zacharie was, too. Jerome had stopped caring before he'd become an agent. Perhaps that was why he was still alive and well; because he'd cut off his interaction with Izaya. Adam had put both himself and Izaya in danger for a while with how sentimental and clingy he'd been, but he, too, had successfully been pushed away. He'd had a boyfriend to be pushed toward, so there was that.

There was Tambrey, but the ex-Rocket did his best to leave her alone, so they weren't very close. And Aulus was safe because while Izaya interacted with him more often now to confide in him, he knew that agent likely still didn't trust him, much less care about him. Izaya was uncertain about Andre, but he wasn't too concerned because he didn't interact with him a whole lot since he wasn't a Rocket. Furthermore, he felt Andre was somewhat 'safe' to talk to as well because of the man's lack of empathy. And while even most of his pokemon seemed to emotionally keep their distance, the one that had refused was going to be taken away and had who knew what done to him.

The facts were all right there. The closer one got to Izaya, the worse it seemed people suffered, and not by his choice. The best he knew how to do was to do what he'd always done and push people away as far as he could to keep them safe. They were his beloved humans, after all, and while he never know what was going to happen to him, he couldn't very well go about accomplishing his goals unhindered if he was weighed down with the concern that others would pay for his actions.

Maybe he couldn't keep attachments from happening, but he could try to burn bridges before he ended up taking anyone else down with him. It was like getting a shot; if he hurt them a little now by saying whatever he had to say to get them to cut themselves off from him, it would be nothing compared to what pain he could save them from later. Like if he ended up dead. If he died now, he was willing to accept it, but he wasn't about to have anyone else get hurt themselves or die trying to keep him from doing so. And if he ended up dead with no one to mourn for him, all the better for the rest of the world. The loss of his life would be that much less of a loss.  

[insidiousEnigma]

Zacharie felt his temper spike.
He face felt warm with an angry flush.
His water bottle warped beneath his clenching fingers.

And then he noticed Izaya's shaking legs.
The slow, measured steps.
...and the anger promptly drained right out of him leaving only a peculiar type of exhaustion.

With his legs much steadier than the others, the Agent strode up to and then past the dark-haired male. He turned sharply on his heel, leveled Izaya with a stern look, and then shook his head. There would be no getting through to the other. Probably not ever but definitely not today. He stared at the other for a moment, expression thoughtful, but ultimately unreadable, before shaking his head once more with an exasperated sigh. "Just be careful." Was all he said with a slight shrug before promptly leaving the room.

He needed a nap after all of that.