[FIN] Scars of the Past

[BlackFireKitsune]

While Zevran seemed to mentally struggle over whether to share or not, Abel waited patiently, pressing tender kisses along each of the burn scars on his friend's back. He had a lot of kissing to do if he wanted to pay as much attention to each as he had to the previous scars, which he absolutely did -- if not moreso, judging by the other blond's hesitance.

Abel's soft kisses along his friend's skin continued as the other man explained how and why he'd acquired the scars. When Zev finished, Abel remained quiet for a few more moments, still busying himself with planting slow, soft kisses along each scar, both to offer what small measure of comfort he could to his friend and to buy himself time to digest what he'd just learned. That was... horrible, all of it. It made him practically sick to think of Zev in that kind of situation, though he wondered if his imagination wasn't making it worse than it actually had been. It had to have been pretty bad though; it was at least bad enough to be Zevran's least favorite set of scars, and he had a wide variety to choose from. "Other things..." Did he even want to know? He was curious, so curious, but it would probably only make him angry. "It sounds like it was a success -- for them. I'm sorry that happened," sorry he had been in that situation at all to begin with, sorry he'd been given such a job, sorry he'd been in a position where he had to do whatever he was told, sorry for so many things... He left another lingering kiss on one scar as his thumb ghosted along another, keeping his touch light, gentle, tender, as if his friend might very well break if he wasn't careful.

Too bad he didn't really know what to say.

"I don't think there's much I can say to something like that except that it's in the past," he ceded with a soft, quiet sigh as he pressed another gentle kiss to the scarred, tattooed skin, "and that you'll never have to do anything like that again, ever."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Other things; this and that," Zevran replied vaguely. "Beatings - quite standard - and it took my nails some time to grow back and... so on. Best forgotten really."

Zevran sighed and let go of tension that had built up in his muscles despite his best efforts along with the breath. "But yes, as you say it is in the past and scars are only that. Painted over as those ones are I do not often notice them so... It is an unpleasant memory but no more than that. Not important." So he had always told himself anyway.

"Thank you, again, for listening I mean," Zevran added after a moment, now sounding slightly awkward. "I feel like I always tell you things you do not want to hear, but you still listen to me and... Yes, it means a lot to me." Abel cared, he really did, and though he was slowly getting used to that it was still an unbelievably precious thing.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel couldn't suppress the sudden hitch in his breath at the mention of fingernails growing back, that was just--

Much as he tried not to be, Zevran was tense under his fingertips. It was almost painfully obvious - or maybe it was only painful because of the sudden ache in his heart - but he smoothed his hand over the other man's shoulder and gave it a firm, reassuring squeeze. It still bothered him. It still bothered him a great deal, based on his reactions. Priorities, though.

After pressing another gentle kiss to one of the scars and giving himself another few moments to think of what to say, Abel laid his cheek on his friend's back. "I want to hear them," he admitted. "I want to hear everything you have to say or want to tell me, no matter what it is, no matter how upsetting it might be." He pressed another kiss to one of the scars, making a mental note of his new favorite places to kiss or touch just because. "You mean a lot to me, and so I want to listen to anything you want to talk about. I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

With that said, he kissed a scar again and gave his friend's shoulder another squeeze. "How long ago did that happen?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Always?

The word and the spirit of Abel's promise made his heart seem to skip a beat, and he felt again the tangle of emotions that had surged through him when Abel had suggested they plan a date a year in advance. This time however without any alcohol in his system he was able to consider the feeling better; there was panic there, yes, but it was panic that it might not be true. He wanted to dance with Abel in a year's time. He wanted to be with him... always? Did he?

"I ah... you..." Zevran stopped, cleared his throat and licked his lips as he turned a little to meet Abel's eyes; his own betrayed confusion and uncertainty. "You are too kind. I... am here for you also; do you know that?" Always? Maybe it was just a figure of speech, it could be that, but now he found himself hoping that it was not. "Oh, ah, and now long? This was about three years ago now." Always.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

The look on his face only made his heart ache more, made him want to gather up all of the hurt inside him and take it away, but he couldn't. Still, his gaze softened and he smiled a warm smile at his friend. "I know that. You already have been here for me. You've already helped me so much in so many ways, I hope you know that. I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you," he admitted after a moment, then pressed another tender kiss on his skin. No, he probably would've been at the bottom of the ocean if it weren't for Zevran.

But, three years... That wasn't very long ago, really. After kissing his scars again he asked hesitantly, treading carefully, "Can I tell you something? I don't know if you'll like it, but I.. feel like it needs to be said."  

[TawnyAngel]

Oh no. Everything had been going... well not well, they were not talking about nice things, but Abel had been warm and supportive and....

"Of course," Zevran said hesitantly, his face now clouded with anxiety. "I wouldn't have you not say something that is on your mind." If Abel didn't tell him now he wouldn't be able to stop wondering and worrying.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

And the look on his face broke his heart even more than it already had. Abel hastened to squeeze his shoulder in an attempt to reassure him, though he wasn't entirely sure what for. But the words stuck in his throat, he didn't really know how to say what he wanted to say... but he had to figure out how to say it regardless. "Sometimes... forgetting things, covering things up, pretending it's not important -- sometimes it's good to do that, it can help you heal, to get over whatever caused it. But sometimes it... well, it's like covering a wound without fixing it first. It just sits there, festering, and even if it doesn't get worse it never really gets better, it never really goes away. It might, but it would take a lot longer to do so than by letting it heal properly."

He paused then to gather his thoughts and to press another kiss to his skin; tender, gentle, caring. "I'm getting the impression that's what you've been doing with some of.. everything you've been through. With some things it's fine, I think, but with others - like this," his thumb ghosted along one of the burn scars, "I don't think you're letting yourself heal like you should. Three years isn't all that long ago, and from what you've said it sounds like.. it was horrible. I can't even imagine how horrible it must've been to go through, how long it lasted or anything, but... but it sounds like it was too big a wound to just cover up and ignore and hope it gets better on its own. It won't get better unless you do something to make it better. Does that make sense?"  

[TawnyAngel]

...Oh. What was he supposed to say to that? He shouldn't have told Abel after all, he had known he shouldn't and yet he had been foolish enough to do it anyway and now Abel was upset and wanted to fix things that were done and gone. Of course he didn't like to think about it, the memory was still jagged enough to cut but what did Abel think could be done to make it better?

As Abel had spoken Zevran's expression stilled and now, a few moments later, he sat up and swung his legs off the bed to plant his feet flat on the floor. "And how should I be letting things heal?" he asked levelly, tension showing in his muscles again and in the way his hands gripped the edge of the bed. "It is a," he freed one hand to wave it sharply in the air, "a dead thing. I cannot change what happened, what else would make it better? What other way is there than to simply move on?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel drew back when Zevran suddenly sat up away from him, and for some moments he laid there silently as he tried to gather his thoughts. That... well, he'd assumed he wouldn't react well but he hadn't expected that. He didn't know what he had expected but it definitely wasn't that.

"I'm sorry," he said when he finally found words to speak, his tones and demeanor apologetic as he pushed himself to sit as well. "I'm sorry for upsetting you. I figured you wouldn't like it but I didn't realize just... how much." He planted his hands on the bed and twisted so he could push himself over to sit on the edge of the bed beside his friend, and despite how badly he wanted to hug him, to kiss his hair and hold him and take away all of the pain he felt, he simply sat there with his hands in his lap instead. The first few probably wouldn't garner a very positive reaction, and the last one was impossible. "I'm sorry," he repeated, softer this time, as his gaze focused on a rather interesting spot on the floor. His hands parted to gesture vaguely as he went on, "You're absolutely right, you can't change something that's already happened. Even if you wish you could with every fiber of your being. I know how that feels, I've been there. Sometimes..." He frowned, his hands dropping to his lap again while he tried to think of what he wanted to say, what he should say, and how he wanted to phrase his thoughts. "Sometimes something happens that leaves a scar. Sometimes it only leaves one on your skin, but sometimes it leaves one on your heart instead -- sometimes it can leave both kinds. The ones on your skin are a lot easier to deal with, and they heal a lot faster. You can always take medication to dull the pain, you can sleep to alleviate the pain too; all kinds of things, until it heals and you feel better. But when something hurts your heart, it takes a lot longer to heal, I've found. Much longer than it takes for the bleeding to stop or for bones to mend themselves or skin to heal over. Years, even," he added with a bitter, humorless smile -- still aimed at the floor. "It can be frustratingly slow sometimes, but if you let it heal properly then it heals faster, it doesn't hurt nearly so much as it does if you just let it sit and fester and stay raw, where it burns or causes more pain whenever it's touched even a little bit. I.. I could tell it was still raw, but I poked at it anyway; I'm sorry. ...and that was a lot of talking, I hope it all made some kind of sense."

The taller blond sighed, shut his eyes, and flopped backwards onto the bed, his hands moving to rest on his stomach. When he opened his eyes he stared up at the ceiling and went on, "The biggest scar I have on my heart's also the first one, and it took.. mmh, I think two years of bottling it up, burying it and ignoring it, getting angry every time anyone mentioned it before Mom finally sat me down and talked to me about it. Talking about things that hurt you is.. difficult - sometimes extremely so - but I've found it usually helps the most. Which just figures," he added dryly with a shrug. "Figures the best thing for a person is something they don't want to do."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Upset?" Zevran looked around quickly with a puzzled, slightly sharp expression. "I am not upset, I don't...." Get upset? But it did hurt, that was probably what Abel meant. He wasn't even sure what the distinction between upset and hurting was but he did feel that he wasn't somebody who got upset about things, and he didn't know why that was either.

Zevran was silent and still for several long moments with his gaze fixed on his bare feet as he tried to process everything Abel had said, everything that he was feeling.

Eventually he sagged a little and inched his hand across the bed so that it touched Abel's. "You don't have to be sorry you just.... Sometimes you make me think of such confusing things. You're not like anyone else I've ever known." He wanted Abel to know that he wasn't angry with him, he wasn't, he just didn't truly grasp where he was coming from or how to deal with any of this. He didn't know how to deal with himself even - feelings about the past, present, or future - and that was stupid, he knew it was stupid. To other people what Abel was saying probably made perfect sense, he was lacking something - perspective? - and that made it confusing to him.

"What is there to say about it though?" Zevran continued softly after another short pause, and though he didn't look up he did shift slightly on the bed so that his leg touched Abel's. "It was bad, and then it was over. I don't... I don't know what else there is to discuss that's helpful to anyone." Helpful. Abel was trying to help, to be kind, and who had ever done that before? He'd gone and got drunk and they'd all considered that after the hangovers the matter was resolved. Zevran's brows knits and his lips pressed tightly together as he tried to work out how to express that to Abel, but without expressing too much that might upset him further. "I know you are trying to help me and... and there is something to be helped I suppose but I cannot see how to do what you're suggesting or what there is to do." He had talked about it just now and that definitely hadn't made him feel any better.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel was more than happy to wait for Zevran to finish working through his thoughts and emotions, though he couldn't help the sudden swell of... something, some feeling, when his friend reached for his hand. The taller blond curled his own around it and gave it a squeeze, then pulled it to his lips to kiss the back of it. "I could say the same about you," he pointed out with a faint smile as he lowered their hands back down to the bed. "You're not like anyone I've ever known either, and you definitely make me think confusing things. Or different things," he added with a soft breath of a laugh. Different things like that he could be attracted to men -- or man. So far he was the only other man he'd actually been interested in, and that was perfectly fine by him.

And then he hummed thoughtfully as he stared at the ceiling as he tried his best to think of how best to explain things. It didn't help that such matters were difficult to explain anyway. Well... "It's.. kind of difficult to explain anyway, but let me try..." How, though? Hmm... ...ah, that might do it. Picking a metaphor Zevran might have more experience with, Abel leaned his own leg against Zev's, grateful and happy with the physical contact, and attempted his explanation once more. "One way I can think to explain it is to liken it to a normal wound -- a deep one. You wouldn't want it to get infected or fester, yeah? Because then it would only get worse, and keep hurting. But to make sure that doesn't happen, you have to get in there and clean everything out - all the bacteria, any bits of cloth or metal, anything that's agitating it or causing a problem - and once it's cleaned out, then you can bandage it up and take care of it until it heals properly. But if it's an old wound that has something there that's just been causing you pain all this time, you have to open it up again before you can clean it out. It's kind of like that, I think, although not exactly. It's definitely not anything fun or pleasant - at all - but if you want the wound to heal and to stop causing you so much pain, then it's an unfortunate necessity."  

[TawnyAngel]

Well... yes that made sense but; "But how do I apply that?" Zevran asked, and now he finally looked at Abel again; the kiss to his hand had brought a smile to his lips but the expression in his eyes remained confused and unsure. "You mean you want me to talk about it more?" Did that really help? Apparently it had for Abel.

Zevran was silent again then but he looked thoughtful, as though he wanted to add something more. After some time he squeezed Abel's hand and cleared his throat. "Ah... I do not wish to seem as though I'm deflecting and perhaps this is not an appropriate time but I was thinking about it just now and... Ah... Well. Mh. If things continue as they are now I... would like to have a date with you at this next New Year. I am not good at planning but...." And there he ran out of words and so he ended the sentence with a shrug and a slightly wan smile. "I should have picked another time to say this, no?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Ah... Yes, but if you don't want to then you certainly don't have to. I'd never try to make you do anything, especially if you don't want to do it." So saying he brought Zev's hand to his lips again for another brief kiss. "I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to talk about it. If you want though," he added after a moment or two, aiming a thoughtful look at his friend, "I could tell you about mine?"

Zevran's statement sent a surge of warmth through him and with it brought a smile to his face, although he wasn't entirely sure where that had come from. "I'd like that too," he replied earnestly, rather happily, as he returned the squeeze, "though I'm a little curious... What made you think of that just now?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Would that help? Perhaps it would, if he understood how Abel had dealt with things....

Zevran turned a little on the bed and raised his other hand to clasp around Abel's along with the first. What should he answer first? It probably wasn't important so long as he did address both things. "Ah," Zevran twitched a smile, shrugged, and looked at their clasped hands. "You said always and... well while that might be extreme I found I did not like the idea of you not being around at some undefined point in the future so... so yes, I would like things to stay like this." He loved waking up beside him, and they always had so much fun together... When they were not discussing serious things. "And... I do not wish to cause you any pain but... if you would like to talk?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

...was it extreme to say 'always'? Perhaps a little, now that he thought about it, but if he could repeat the moment he wouldn't have said anything different. Even if it was perhaps a little on the extreme side to say so, he really did always want to be there for Zevran -- and always have Zevran be there for him. The touch warmed his heart and his smile, and maybe even caused a small flutter of the former. "I.. honestly don't like the idea of you not being around at some undefined point in the future either," he admitted, which was entirely true - he'd already lost someone close to him that he loved and deeply cared for, and he had absolutely no desire to repeat the experience as long as he lived - then added with a slightly brighter smile, "and I'd like things to stay like this, too. I loved our date, and I'd love to have another with you -- on New Years again, and before." Which reminded him, he still had to look up what sort of Valentines events would be going on in the city, or on the island...

His free hand reached across to smooth itself overtop one of Zevran's, his thumb idly running over the other man's knuckles fondly. "It's alright," he assured his friend as he studied his face, that dear face with its small, shy smiles and beautiful amber eyes, "it's an old wound by now, and even if it still hurts at times, it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. Honestly it would probably have closed up years ago, if I'd let it. And besides, we've mostly been talking about you - which I don't mind in the least because I do love listening to you talk and hearing anything you have to say - but it seems only fair that I tell you something after you've told me so many things."