Poetry?

[cold_blooded_chick]

Niphz

P: I'm sure you've got enough items to be worth a good few million.

Can't argue with you there, I'm just poor in gold count.  

[Niphz]

@cbc - That can be fixed fairly easily.. xD

@Trey - Well, I won't then, seeing that it was just for fun (:

 

[Trey Shen]

Niphz

@cbc - That can be fixed fairly easily.. xD

@Trey - Well, I won't then, seeing that it was just for fun (:

no! I would really enjoy a critic, even if its of nothing in particular^_^ gives me something to work on eh?  

[Niphz]

Don't say you didn't ask for it, then.. xD

Trey Shen

silent as the dead
I cry holding my head
thinking of the times we had
dreaming so not to be sad

Not too bad a stanza, some punctuation would be nice

wo bu neng zhegai guaiwu nei wo (why random chinese?)
but I can see that there is hope
I want to let you see I love you so (doesn't actually rhyme with 'wo')
I hate watching you go, and say nope (too flippant a word, change for something else; also grammatically should be 'saying' not 'say')

I cry to myself every night wondering
if you even care about my feelings
I stay up late always alone pondering
if you even want to be my lover

Not too awful, again the word 'lover' sticks out like a sore thumb

give me the words to say
give me the power to go away (this line completely defeats the point of the rest of the poem)
I want to be the best
I want to be rid of the rest

This stanza seems to just be randomly put together. Cut it.


the monster that hides inside
will come out, it will not hide

I like these lines best.

In general it feels more like an attempt at pop song lyrics than actual poetry. The subject matter is rather clichéd and could definitely be more original. I don't think it's worth putting words which don't fit the mood or style (like 'nope') into it just to rescue the rhyme scheme; better to not have a rhyme scheme at all. The random line of Chinese, whilst a nice thought, doesn't add anything to the poem unless you run a thread of Chinese through the whole poem; I'd suggest getting rid of it altogether. It also doesn't make sense in Chinese -___-; grammatically it should be 'wo bu neng zhe gai wo xin nei de guai wu' P;

-cough-

Seem to have gone on quite a bit. S'ry ;P

 

[Trey Shen]

Niphz

Don't say you didn't ask for it, then.. xD

Trey Shen

silent as the dead
I cry holding my head
thinking of the times we had
dreaming so not to be sad

Not too bad a stanza, some punctuation would be nice

wo bu neng zhegai guaiwu nei wo (why random chinese?)
but I can see that there is hope
I want to let you see I love you so (doesn't actually rhyme with 'wo')
I hate watching you go, and say nope (too flippant a word, change for something else; also grammatically should be 'saying' not 'say')

I cry to myself every night wondering
if you even care about my feelings
I stay up late always alone pondering
if you even want to be my lover

Not too awful, again the word 'lover' sticks out like a sore thumb

give me the words to say
give me the power to go away (this line completely defeats the point of the rest of the poem)
I want to be the best
I want to be rid of the rest

This stanza seems to just be randomly put together. Cut it.


the monster that hides inside
will come out, it will not hide

I like these lines best.

In general it feels more like an attempt at pop song lyrics than actual poetry. The subject matter is rather clichéd and could definitely be more original. I don't think it's worth putting words which don't fit the mood or style (like 'nope') into it just to rescue the rhyme scheme; better to not have a rhyme scheme at all. The random line of Chinese, whilst a nice thought, doesn't add anything to the poem unless you run a thread of Chinese through the whole poem; I'd suggest getting rid of it altogether. It also doesn't make sense in Chinese -___-; grammatically it should be 'wo bu neng zhe gai wo xin nei de guai wu' P;

-cough-

Seem to have gone on quite a bit. S'ry ;P

I see I see 3nodding 3nodding true, but my chinese is not all that good eheh... sweatdrop I am trying to work on it ^_^

and thanks for the critic, shows how bad I am for not editing or even thinking about it eh!

I will try and write something better^_^ thanks again for the critic^_^  

[Niphz]

No problem. Please do not quote the entirety of really long posts, it gets annoying having to scroll all the time. Thanks (:

 

[Trey Shen]

Niphz

No problem. Please do not quote the entirety of really long posts, it gets annoying having to scroll all the time. Thanks (:

sorry sweatdrop im still kind of new, habits get hard after a while...  

[Niphz]

No problem, just informing you. (:

 

[mymiridon]

a song in its original format is a poem XD

anyways niphz is right, i only read the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza, but it sounded like a song to me, not necessarily a pop song. As for the random chinese... I'm use to hearing that in asian songs but they're random english instead of chinese rofl rofl  

[Trey Shen]

mymiridon

a song in its original format is a poem XD

anyways niphz is right, i only read the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza, but it sounded like a song to me, not necessarily a pop song. As for the random chinese... I'm use to hearing that in asian songs but they're random english instead of chinese rofl rofl

lol yeah... plus my chinese sucks at the moment... I have been working on it though..  

[Niphz]

It's good that you're making the effort 3nodding

@yalie - CALL ME NIPH, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? D;

 

[Trey Shen]

Niphz

It's good that you're making the effort 3nodding

@yalie - CALL ME NIPH, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? D;

thank you^_^ I usually do better when I think about it though... I am surprised... I dont usually make mistakes such as that o.o I must be tired....

thanks for the critic though^_^ it helped a lot  

[kyoslove74]

Silent as the Night
Faster than a Train
Hyung Nim will kick your a**
Skilled in Martials and Weapons
One punch from her
And You'll wish you were dead
Knock Cold!  

[mymiridon]

@niph: sorry, sorry, i wasn't paying attention XD

@kyo: very aggressive  

[Motomina]

hear the sound of morning breeze,
as the sun would rise up.
as they steadily rose or go,
the sound of the great bloom,
in the mint field.