This is a story dedicated to all of the suffering vegetables out there. May Kegan’s reign end swiftly and painfully.
He was raised to hate WoW. He had magazine scans of the game in his cave; some with the faces ripped or scratched off, others with feces or semen slathered on them in some sort of sexual frustration. He had trained for thousands of years for this day. Today, John Mallon, king of the Vegetarian race, was going to destroy the World of Warcraft.
Meanwhile, in WoW, a young Trenn had finally finished his butcher training and was going to be able to wield his meat (yeah, this is that kind of story). He was about to finally get his drumstick when a great chasm opened up in the ground, and he was sucked into the Underworld.
Trenn awoke and found that the Underworld was horrifying. There were plants and veggies everywhere. It was disgusting. Trenn explored the area, wondering what kind of vegger (a slur for vegetarian) would make a place like this.
He found a temple void of the vegetation and took shelter. There was meat inside everywhere, and upon closer inspection, a little old lady. She said her name was David and that Trenn would be the one to save the world. Trenn asked how he could save the world without some nice firm meat in his hands. David said not to worry and that she would put the greatest meat in Trenn’s hands; meat that was throbbing with power and dripping with the urge to defeat evil (as well as BBQ sauce).
David gave Trenn…….. the Skyward Drumstick.
Trenn held it to the air and a spirit came forth. It was in a cute little blue dress, but it claimed it was a guy and insisted that its name was Wayne (dunno what that’s about). Pretty fat thing too.
“MASTER MY NAME IS WAYNE AND …”
Trenn cut it off.
“I already heard your name in the narrative. Geez! You’re so SLOW! You’re also pretty FAT. Are you sure you’re not a GIRL?”
"I GET IT"
Trenn actually decided he’d have none of Wayne in this story in general, so he beat Wayne mercilessly with the Skyward Drumstick until he was dead. You could tell he was dead because he’d shat his pants shortly afterward.
Suddenly Trenn was sent back in time.
“You won’t stop my master, you filthy butcher” said a voice.
Trenn turned around and saw his foe. It was a carrot man. He was dressed in skin tight clothing that was orange with little carrots engraved in it. He said his name was Squashahim (even though he’s a carrot?). Much to Trenn’s disdain, he had a gigantic c**k bulging through his tights, but then again, he was a carrot (ladies).
Play this while you read the next part.
He drew his carrot sword and went straight at Trenn, who barely had time to dodge.
They circled each other for several seconds, Trenn glistening with sweat from the stress, and Squashahim being….. well, a carrot (carrots don’t have faces, FYI). Squashahim took another swing at Trenn, who was starting to catch on to his tactics (protip: Squashahim only ever does one kind of swing in one direction. He’s a carrot). Trenn took a swing at Squashahim with his drumstick and Squashahim fell down with just that one blow.
Or so Trenn thought. Just as Trenn turned his back, Squashahim revealed his true power. He turned purple on the outside and bright gold-orange on the inside (source: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=2098479&page=25041 ). He was about to impale Trenn with another carrot when a tall woman with a ponytail stopped the blade with magic. Her name was Matthew and she was designated to protect the meat world from Kegan’s return. She did a roundhouse kick to Squashahim and sent him into a wall. Trenn and Matthew took comfort in how easily they defeated Kegan’s greatest servant (but seriously, he was a ******** carrot. Also, stop playing that music now, jackass. Your parents are probably ashamed).
Then the ground erupted and Kegan was born. He grabbed the now lifeless Squashahim, who became his sword, and bapped Matthew in the head with it, sending him flying into a wall and knocking him unconscious. It was just the DEMISE (lol get it) of all meat-eaters vs. the wielder of the Skyward Drumstick.
now play dis 1
“I remember your kind,” Kegan started, giving his epic monologue, “Meat eaters all ate their disgusting pork rinds and hid behind their goddess, Palutena, all while I stayed in the underworld, growing vegetables, the true source of power in this world. While it is commendable that you even stand before me in my true form, I have to ask: what do you think you will gain from grinding in an RPG that I can’t outdo with my gardening? My activity has effects in the real world. Your game doesn’t even have an ending.” (stop playing music again jesus CHRIST)
Then Trenn said this, verbatim, I’m not even shitting you:
“yea well gardening’s for queers”
Dude, seriously, what a badass.
And with that, Kegan was sealed inside the Skyward Drumstick forever. However, with his last breath, he cursed everyone involved in the scenario. He cursed all of them and their future generations to be tormented by an incarnation of his hatred for them and all meat eaters. To this day, no one knows if this curse came true.
Also, did you know that David was just an older version of Matthew? Holy s**t, that was cool.
![[Kegan]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/32/d0/3e9c16b12dd032_flip.png?t=1509381123_6.00_11)
