Things Resident Evil characters would NEVER say

[NotteRequiem]

Wesker: Does this pistol make my butt look big?  

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

Jill: Hey Berry, wanna have sex!?  

[King of Paradise]

Probable events in 5:

Chris: Ji...Jill? Jill?! Is that you?!
Jill: *Squawk!*

Gigante: Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my GAWD!!!
Behemoth: Why are you so excited?
Gigante: I'm just glad I'm back for another game! *Squeeeee!* I hope I get to crush Leon this time!
Behemoth: Errm...Leon isn't in this game.
Gigante: Uh...Ohhhh...Awwwwww, man! Dammit! *Storms off*
Licker: Hey, pal!
Behemoth: Licker?! Hey buddy! What the eff are you doin' here?!
Licker: Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are!

Chainsaw Manjini: Now, prepare to die!
Chris and Sheva: Oh no!!!
Chainsaw Manjini: *Revs Chainsaw, positions self to slash, and then...Sputtering death* Oh, s**t...I'm outta gas...
Chris and Sheva: Phew!
Chainsaw Manjini: Don't get too relieved! I'll be back, and capped off too, bitches!...Though I bet it's gonna cost a lot...Effin gas prices...*
Chris: Before you go, can we see what's under your sack mask?
Chainsaw Manjini: Sure, I don't see any harm in it *Pulls off the sack*
Chris: Sherry! So you are in the game!

Barry Burton: Boy oh boy I'm really excited to be back! So, what's my role in this game?
Lead Designer: Dead.
Barry Burton: What? Do I get any alive scenes before that?
Lead Designer: Nope.
Barry Burton: That's total bullshit.
Lead Designer: Would a Jill Sandwich make you feel better?
Barry Burton: Mother ******** to come...Right now...

Ozwell Spencer: God damn young whppersnappers, always have to go about ******** things up. Well, just they wait and see what I have in store for them!
Me: And that is?
Ozwell Spencer: Eh heh, I made a doody, and since I'm to old to change myself, SOMEONE will have to! Mwuhahahaha!
Me: Ewwwww...

But seriously, more to come.

[EDIT] Did this so as to not double post.

Probable Events in 5 Part 2-3D: The S.T.A.R.S. Studded Sequel

Wesker: Yes, Chris, to answer your question, I have been raising ponies and lilies since the events in Antarctica.
Chris: I knew it! You're more diabolical then ever these days!
Wesker: I try! Mwuhahahaha!

Leon: Alright everybody, I'm here to save the day...Again! You wouldn't even believe how many flips it took me to get here*SQUASH*
Gigante: Woo hoo! I did it! That's for my brothers mother ********!
Behemoth: Well, would ja look at that! Way to go, Gigante!
Licker: Way to show that p***k who not to mess with! Mother ******** killed my entire family!
Behemoth: So that's why you weren't in any of the sequels!
Licker: Yep...Until now!
Behemoth: And how did you manage that?
Licker: With the help of the T-Virus, of course!
Behemoth: Where did you get the T-Virus?
Licker: Shhhh...Don't ask, don't tell. It will be revealed later on...

*This one is a spoiler*
Jill, looking at her reflection inside of the tube: Psh, I am way hotter then Milla in this thing. Ho didn't even have any S.T.A.R.S., if ya get what I mean.
*End spoiler*

Chris: Oh no!
Sheva: What?
Chris: It looks like they really are bringing everyone back!
Sheva: What do you mean?
Chris: Look over there! It's Nemesis!
Nemesis: Starrrrrrs! Oh, wait...Eh hem, Beeesaaaaaa!

Excella: You know, you designers are just the worst!
Lead Designer: Huh? Why do you say that? Haven't we've given you enough?
Excella: I love my hot titulating body and immense power, but why did you give me an old man as my lover?
Lead Designer: Who would you rather have?
Excella: Carlos.
Lead Designer: Oliviera?
Excella: Yes! Give me that Mexican man stud now! Oi! Muy Caliente!
Lead Designer:

eek

To be continued, in: Probable Events in 5 Part 3: Third Times the Harm  

[MadamTarantula]

Krauser: *after beating up Leon* O'DOYLE RULES  

[Belbecat]

Ashley: 1+1=2

...  

[Vankala]

AngelaAshford

Krauser: *after beating up Leon* O'DOYLE RULES

rofl  

[YinYangSpider]

Chris - I love you Wesker

Mark - I will...fit...in this...damn...LOCKER!

Billy - Hey Queeny...Let me be your king!  

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

Wesker: What the ********?  

[Belbecat]

Jill: I sure hope this IS Chris' blood.  

[Alkaizer87]

Chris: No Jill, I don't want to fight you!
*Sheva comes in.*
Sheva: Who's she? Is she one of us?
Chris: No, she's been manipulated by WEsker's experiements.
Sheva: ******** this I'm joining Wesker.
Chris: What?! Why?!
Sheva: Hey! I want a big rack too. You've been staring at her chest since you got here. Not once have you stared at mine.

Billy: Who died and made you king?!
Queen Leeche: Actually I'm a female. That's why I'm going to kill yourfriend there and make you my lover.
Billy: Aw ******** no! Rebecca we must run!  

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

Barry: Another second, and I would have eaten a Jill Taco.
Jill: What the ********?  

[Alkaizer87]

Chris: Wesker...
Wesker: What is it now? You just interrupted my monolouge! Do yu know how witty I have to be in order to make one?!
Chris: I have something important to say.
Wesker: Now what?!
Chris: Your mom called me and wants you to go back home. She said something about Jill barking loudly again.
Wesker: Dang it! That b***h won't stop! I already gave her a year supply of kibbles!  

[King of Paradise]

Chris: Psh, you think your lousy Chainsaw can match my...Err, Boomstick?!
Chainsaw Majini: Ha ha, can't even remember your model's name...And oh, didn't you hear?
Chris: What?
Chainsaw Majini: We just got in a shipment of sub machine guns.
Chris: eek What?!
Chainsaw Majini: *Whips out the sub machine gun from under his sack mask and starts unloading bullets onto Chris* RATATATATATATATA!!! Ha! Can't touch this!  

[Alkaizer87]

Speaking of that...
*Leon dancing.*
Leon: Da, da, da, da, da, Can't touch this!