Poetry Thread: Athiest/Agnostic themed poetry welcome!

[Niveous]

The poem was amazing

But are you ready for some hardcore criticisms?

::cracks knuckles::

your use of repitition almost ruins the poem "prove it to me" to the 5th power. Common now...I know you can use synonyms. Make the words flow. It's not enough to have a great point when it comes to poetry.

Also, some of your audience sensed it, but I can point it out. The poem needs some organization...some stanzas in at the end seem that they would fit better in the middle, ect. Just reorganizing it so it seems like a real poem and not a flowery rant lol


aside from all this, the poem has what it takes to be a real classic for the ages! ::thumbs up:: You rock ^-^

I know poetry is tough. And you definately have the potential to really do something with it. Hell, that could be an anthem for atheists one day.  

[Lethkhar]

Niveous

The poem was amazing

But are you ready for some hardcore criticisms?

::cracks knuckles::

your use of repitition almost ruins the poem "prove it to me" to the 5th power. Common now...I know you can use synonyms. Make the words flow. It's not enough to have a great point when it comes to poetry.

Also, some of your audience sensed it, but I can point it out. The poem needs some organization...some stanzas in at the end seem that they would fit better in the middle, ect. Just reorganizing it so it seems like a real poem and not a flowery rant lol


aside from all this, the poem has what it takes to be a real classic for the ages! ::thumbs up:: You rock ^-^

I know poetry is tough. And you definately have the potential to really do something with it. Hell, that could be an anthem for atheists one day.

Uh...I think she was repeatative for a reason...It was poetry, after all.  

[Lethkhar]

"I could buy myself a reason
I could sell myself a job
I could hang myself for treason
'Cus I am my own damn God"-Modest Mouse, This Devil's Workday  

[Niveous]

That was a pretty cool line, but the lines were altered more in modest mouse.

It was built to be more catchy.

Poetry is first and foremost for the person that wrote it.
After that, if you wish to inspire others (Like Modest Mouse) wink Spiffy it up, make it flow, make it shine, but dont let it go dry.

All writters us synonyms, and the same for poetry, even if in some cases repitition is just a purposely added style.  

[Sanguvixen]

Niveous

That was a pretty cool line, but the lines were altered more in modest mouse.

It was built to be more catchy.

Poetry is first and foremost for the person that wrote it.
After that, if you wish to inspire others (Like Modest Mouse) wink Spiffy it up, make it flow, make it shine, but dont let it go dry.

All writters us synonyms, and the same for poetry, even if in some cases repitition is just a purposely added style.

Sometimes in my poetry I lean heavily into reptition...but only with certain lines that are important.

Poetry is an art. No two poets are going to write the same way.

 

[Tenth Speed Writer]

Just a few moments ago... I decided to sit outside. It turns out tonight is the harvest moon.

For some reason... I felt compelled to bring along the laptop. I turned the brightness to minimum, and sat there for about 45 minutes, doing nothing but musing on the beauty of the trees and ground under the glow, and the cold, and the little things around.

If it helps, the Black Warrior is the name of the river that runs through my little wanna-be-backwater home town-city-thing, and the legend behind her name. (Chief Tuskaloosa, the Black Warrior)

Harvest of the Druid City

Guardian and companion

Returning gifts to the holder and the birth



Falling, an aura upon the subtle world

As if to cast off in effigy of the snows

That should never cross paths with this world again



Shattered beams of crystalline essence,

Sent as a million ones

And mingling with the locals


The harvest moon shines on that black warrior, placid and troubled,
As she stands, a bastion of hope, in the tightening belt.

As if to yet mourn the Dog Days
I am met and sliced to the bone
A gentlest caress felt as a knife’s strike,
To fade into the…

Ruination sets in.

Palaces of blessed marble and taintless words
Crumble into the night

And the lights fade into and out of this realm
Grasping desperately for that lingering trace,
That it may guide to restore the worlds fused as two
And make home upon the one found only in dreams.





Glancing through a mighty oak’s guardianship,
A simple askance to the lonesome companion.

Again the world is shifted and frozen,
Again I seek the end to my blessed curse
That this might end, and my flesh warmed in flame
By flame, of flame.



Cast heavenward once again, as if to ask
Why they have been forsaken for this horrid place
Why they need bless it, though it is hardly worthwhile
Why they shall rot here, blessing unworthy eyes
A lone write and wrong being



Consort with the mort mortals,
On stilled children of the cosmos
A new triumvirate,
For it is the weak that inherit.
It has always been
The forsaken, the downtrodden, the accused
A band formed of unspeakable actions and loss


The order of all things is here righted.


The harvest moon shines on the Black Warrior, placid and troubled,
As she stands, a bastion of hope, in the tightening belt.

 

[RandomFunctionality]

Wow, Sanguvixen your poetry is amazing, the way it captures the perspective, and lonliness of an atheist, and all the other sensations was amazing, I particularly liked your secound one.  

[Lethkhar]

Ok, think I got it:

Emotions are songs
And songs should be sung
Each with a sound
Familiar, oft' strung

But a new feeling
I cannot attempt
It eludes me
Unsung, exempt

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

To hear but a note
A sweet, silver tone
New to the ears
And strange to the tongue

You could hum a bar
Incite my eager voice
Listen to the music
Embrace wondrous noise

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

Emotions are songs
Songs should be sung
But love's ballad
Cannot be sung by one

Join me in duet
Help me write this song
Lives entangled
Guide me along

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you


Comments?  

[Sanguvixen]

Lethkhar

I wrote this poem. Actually, it's a song. It's not quite done, but you get the idea:

Emotions are songs
And songs should be sung
Each with a sound
Familiar, oft' strung

But a new feeling
I cannot attempt
It eludes me
Unsung, exempt

Never sang a love song
It's in a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

To hear but a note
A sweet, silver tone
New to the ears
And strange to the tongue

You could hum a bar
Incite my eager voice
Listen to the music
Embrace wondrous noise

Never sang a love song
It's in a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you


I'm having trouble thinking up a concluding verse, but once I figure it out I'll post it.

Wow....nice! I love it!

Hmmm....I would try playing a bit on the "All I need is you" part for the conclusion.

 

[Tenth Speed Writer]

Lethkhar

Ok, think I got it:

Emotions are songs
And songs should be sung
Each with a sound
Familiar, oft' strung

But a new feeling
I cannot attempt
It eludes me
Unsung, exempt

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

To hear but a note
A sweet, silver tone
New to the ears
And strange to the tongue

You could hum a bar
Incite my eager voice
Listen to the music
Embrace wondrous noise

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

Emotions are songs
Songs should be sung
But love's ballad
Cannot be sung by one

Join me in duet
Help me write this song
Lives entangled
Guide me along

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you


Comments?

It feels like the rhyming was a bit pushed in a few places, but as a whole, I think it flows very well.

I like it!  

[Lethkhar]

addseale2

Lethkhar

Ok, think I got it:

Emotions are songs
And songs should be sung
Each with a sound
Familiar, oft' strung

But a new feeling
I cannot attempt
It eludes me
Unsung, exempt

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

To hear but a note
A sweet, silver tone
New to the ears
And strange to the tongue

You could hum a bar
Incite my eager voice
Listen to the music
Embrace wondrous noise

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you

Emotions are songs
Songs should be sung
But love's ballad
Cannot be sung by one

Join me in duet
Help me write this song
Lives entangled
Guide me along

Never sang a love song
It's a whole new tune
One which I cannot reach
Like the 13th and the moon
Stuck with what I have
I guess it will do
Could use a guiding hand
But all I need is you


Comments?

It feels like the rhyming was a bit pushed in a few places, but as a whole, I think it flows very well.

I like it!

Ah, "tone" and "tongue", eh?

I can make that work when I'm singing it. There aren't very many things that rhyme with "tone"...  

[Lethkhar]

Well, if you guys liked that one, here's one I jotted down during lunch today.

I sat down to work on Chemistry homework, then decided it could wait.

Enter the building
Sit, stay, and work
Go through the motions
Mindless effort
Jump through the hoops

Warming a seat
Wasting a mind
On what a computer could do
Limited time
Jump through the hoops

What is a rose
That is watered
With no light?
Long-rotted roots
Black as the night
Jump through the hoops


Not quite as good, in my opinion. I guess that's what happens when it's not as inspired. I had inspiration, a feeling in the last one. It was really based on the fact that I realised I had never written a love song in my life, and I suddenly wanted to.

This one...It was inspired, but the rose metaphor seems so...overused...  

[Tenth Speed Writer]

Lethkhar

Well, if you guys liked that one, here's one I jotted down during lunch today.

I sat down to work on Chemistry homework, then decided it could wait.

Enter the building
Sit, stay, and work
Go through the motions
Mindless effort
Jump through the hoops

Warming a seat
Wasting a mind
On what a computer could do
Limited time
Jump through the hoops

What is a rose
That is watered
With no light?
Long-rotted roots
Black as the night
Jump through the hoops


Not quite as good, in my opinion. I guess that's what happens when it's not as inspired. I had inspiration, a feeling in the last one. It was really based on the fact that I realised I had never written a love song in my life, and I suddenly wanted to.

This one...It was inspired, but the rose metaphor seems so...overused...

Heh, I know how it is to try and write while uninspired. At times, it seems like you're trying to drive in neutral, eh?



As for the rose: Next time... try a potato! xD  

[Lethkhar]

addseale2

Lethkhar

Well, if you guys liked that one, here's one I jotted down during lunch today.

I sat down to work on Chemistry homework, then decided it could wait.

Enter the building
Sit, stay, and work
Go through the motions
Mindless effort
Jump through the hoops

Warming a seat
Wasting a mind
On what a computer could do
Limited time
Jump through the hoops

What is a rose
That is watered
With no light?
Long-rotted roots
Black as the night
Jump through the hoops


Not quite as good, in my opinion. I guess that's what happens when it's not as inspired. I had inspiration, a feeling in the last one. It was really based on the fact that I realised I had never written a love song in my life, and I suddenly wanted to.

This one...It was inspired, but the rose metaphor seems so...overused...

Heh, I know how it is to try and write while uninspired. At times, it seems like you're trying to drive in neutral, eh?



As for the rose: Next time... try a potato! xD

A potato?

Only if it were something like "Ode to my potato" or something...