Welcome to Gaia! ::

My laptop now:
-Cannot hold a charge
-Is at 0%
-The moment it's unplugged it dies
-Battery replacements don't charge regardless of charger used
-The right speaker is entirely shot and won't play audio of any sort
-Almost caught on fire
-Audio crackles
-Is getting really slow
-Constantly freaks out after updating and glitches
-The mousepad often locks and I just give up and use a wireless mouse now

GUESS WHO GOT HIS LETTER TODAY AND IS STARTING TESTOSTERONE??!!?!!?!??!????! biggrin DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

So... here comes another long rant.

My mom's brother, Uncle Tony, has been a total a*****e. When Grandpa got sick, my mom took care of him entirely, and the rest of us in the house helped out. Grandpa was high-maintenance. He'd pee his pants, we had to help every 2 minutes with the TV no exaggeration, we had to ask him and stop him from swearing so much, we had to get him to stop BSing with us about changing his batteries for hearing aids or about actually taking a shower, he never changed his clothes unless we snuck the 4-month-old ones out in place of new ones, he never showered or shaved or washed his hands after using the bathroom.

Uncle Tony NEVER took care of Grandpa. The longest Grandpa ever stayed was 3 weeks with him. For 3 years he'd stay with us all the remaining time. Uncle Tony eventually got limited by us for 3 days at a time at the most because Grandpa hated being there with him. He'd get depressed, moody, and nothing was right.

When Mom was dealing with me first coming out as transgender, my sister going off to college, and numerous friend-based deaths in a short span of less than 2 months, she had a total meltdown. Grandpa, she felt, was entirely her responsibility. She loved taking care of him but it was too much at that time. For nights, when Mom was trying to sleep through all this, Grandpa could be heard from above the basement swearing his a** off for no reason and she couldn't take it. She hardly slept at all during that period of time. Uncle Tony literally went to a psychic and the psychic claimed Grandma from heaven was telling him to take Grandpa off Mom's a** for a while and that was the only reason he ever took him. Because he had to.

When Grandpa went to the hospital a few months back, Uncle Tony came up once. And the he left and never told any of us he went there, and we're lucky Grandpa remembered.

Uncle Tony became nonexistent. And the fact that he made Grandpa so miserable just... it's not ok.

And then Grandpa said for years that when he dies he does not want a funeral. He got beaten by nuns at church schools, had to live in a strict Catholic household, etc. He hated the church after he was done with school and he never even bothered to attend it on a regular basis after getting married. He wanted nothing to do with places like that again and... Uncle Tony called up my mom a few weeks back. He said we're hosting a funeral and my mom is paying for it all and he's paying for the lunch. We couldn't get out of it--we had to help host the funeral because Uncle Tony wouldn't back down until she agreed.

Grandpa got cremated. Uncle Tony posed that, to spread the ashes, he and Mom would take the truck out to a state park by a beach and let them go free. This they both agreed on doing.

Today was the funeral. After it ended Uncle Tony came up to Mom and asked, "So what are we doing with these?" He genuinely didn't know. He cared so little he forgot his own plans. About his dad.

Mom is thinking of spreading the ashes in either the garden out back since Grandpa said this house was his absolute favorite place, or at our aunt's huge farm because that place was Grandpa's paradise and he would have spent eternity there if he could.

A few weeks ago, Uncle Tony flew out during the middle of preparations to Texas, leaving my mom to do all the planning. Little did we know, he got a job and moved there. We didn't even know when but it happened sometime in preparations of stuff. Then my mom called up his house here about a week ago only to find out he'd come back here for two weeks and got another job. He didn't say a word. At all. And he left everything on my mom's shoulders just as he always had.

Today is the last day I think I ever want to talk to him unless need be. Uncle Tony was a sweet and kind man but... I feel like I've seen the ugly truth and nothing but the ugly truth for the past 3 years. He seemed kind and loving and just... I think this is the only aspect of him now. It's like me when I was going through being abused: I want to go back to him because he seems so loving and open but in the end it's just deception and he's truly just careless and doesn't even make up for his mistakes. He isn't abusive he just can't apologize to save his life, he is impossibly disrespectful, and he's hurt so many people and never even took responsibility and never will. I'm done with him.

I hope I don't need to talk with you again, Uncle Tony. At least not until you get a general sense of human decency. Goodbye, I guess. You've defied everything expected of you.

I tried a playthrough with the Alternate Actors Skyrim mod, and my player I chose--a guard--got married. But then the person I started as came to the wedding with Kodlak Whitemane's face then duplicated himself into a woman that's butt-naked with a man's face and was bald minus like... a small bit of hair in the back. The hell?

I'm sick so I took a 2-hour nap, woke up to it being pitch black out and thought I fell asleep for 3 days and asked why it wasn't the next day. Nothing makes sense. I'm home alone and everything is disorienting.

Went to the doctor's office and learned... I have bronchitis! AGAIN!!! Like, hell dude, I know I'm prone to it and get it literally every fall/winter, but honestly this is awful. I just legit had to take 9 pills, 6 of them steroids. They were so ******** gross I'd rather have drank straight-up hotsauce from the bottle and I fricking despise hotsauce. This is my life for the next 6 days. RIP

8 more days to T. I'm going to write something on the day I start, too.

But I figure I should say this: being told you can start testosterone is the biggest victory cry you can imagine. It's not just someone saying "You can finally be a real man." It means the fight is over. Your dysphoria will go away, you're going to be happy with yourself and you're going to pass and nobody will give you strange looks for the first time since the day you were born. You're going to live in a body you know you belong in and, for the first time in your life, you won't feel separated from it--like it's out of place or you're the one out of place. The wait is over at long last. Yes it's taken your entire life whether it be 18 years, 50 years, any time at all. It's over, and you now have an entire life ahead of you; a life ahead which can be lived, not spent waiting for the first time in all your life. So go live. Be happy. It's time to be you. Being transgender is the ultimate waiting game and it never ends, you feel. But now your wait's over. And you never have to wait again.

My little brother bought this badass sword like 2 years ago and for the past 8+ months it's been sitting on a table downstairs and I think he's forgotten entirely about it. So what more to do with it than take it, clean it up, and add it to my personal beautiful sword collection for free?! biggrin FREE SWORDS!!!!!! IT'S THE BEST DAY EVER MY DREAM IS REALITY!!!!!!!!!