[FIN] Playing Pretend

[BlackFireKitsune]

"I am incredibly biased, and I like you," he replied cheekily as he held Zevran close and rested his cheek atop his boyfriend's blond hair. Rinna sounded like such an interesting person, he would've liked to meet her... though he would've liked it more if Zev had a chance to be with the both of them again without their unfortunate circumstances. "You all did deserve so much better. I'm sorry they didn't get much of a chance to have a better life... but I'm glad you did. I'm glad you're here. I wish they were too. Mmh.. What about Taliesen? What was he like, besides stubborn and not quite as good at planning as Rinna?"  

[TawnyAngel]

What was he like? What was he like when his head wasn't exploding? Zevran swallowed bile and tried to remember. "He... he was... he...." He paused, took in a breath, let it out again. "Reliable. Practical. Filthy and witty. He could cook decently but he did not love to do so. He was protective and... and you may not credit it but he was selfless. He took the blame for my faults without hesitation, without expecting me to repay him. When he did it he would only say that it was better him because he was tougher than me. And I killed him. And he tried to kill me." Pain and disbelief were etched deeply into Zevran's expression for a moment but then he banished them and his brow smoothed. "Is that ******** up or what?" he asked casually.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

This was... this was difficult. Difficult for him to listen to, difficult for Zevran to talk about. It made his heart ache so much it felt like it could fall apart at any moment, and it wasn't even his best friend that tried to kill him. He couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for Zev to deal with. Regardless he listened attentively, doing his best to picture the angry Crow as the things Zevran described him as. He could see it, in a way. Sort of. "It's extremely ******** up," he replied readily, though his tones weren't quite as casual. "He cared about you too, I think.. I don't know why else he would've come all the way here to find you like he did. I... Mh." His arm slipped away from Zev and he stood up, took a few steps over to his bag and began to rummage through one of the small pockets along the front. "Back at the warehouse I'd told Sonia we didn't need anything from any of them, but she brought something back anyway. Something of his. I held onto it because I figured you'd want it, but I just.. I didn't know when would be a good time to bring it up."

It didn't take long at all to find the item he was looking for, and once he did pull it out he returned to his spot on the bed. "So, I guess that was another reason for this weekend; I'm sorry again." With those words he held his closed hand out to Zevran before his fingers spread out to reveal the simple object; a foreign coin with a chain threaded through a single bullet hole shot through it. The piece meant very little to him, apart from it had been Taliesen's and also it looked kind of cool, but there was a chance it meant more to Zevran. Even if it had little significance before, it could now just for the simple fact of belonging to his best friend.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran watched warily as Abel got to his feet, listened warily and with a growing cold feeling as he spoke.

And then he saw it and his heart froze.

The heat of a midsummer afternoon, the glint of sunlight on a small pile of gold. Laughter. A coin tossed into the air, the retort of a pistol, the coin falling and bouncing away across the roof terrace. Another in the air, another shot, banter, a miss. Another, and with this one the coin spins away and off the balcony. They laugh, he crows in victory, they leap over the balcony in pursuit of the prize.

The glinting gold before him now hung from a simple but hardy chain. Taliesen had never worn it on a chain. He stared and reached mutely towards it as though in a dream. He had kept it, he knew that, but he had worn it?  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel waited patiently, quietly with his hand still outstretched while Zev worked through his thoughts and reached for the coin necklace. He was beginning to feel more and more like it did mean something to him, which... was another difficult thing. That was good that now he had something meaningful of Taliesen's to keep, but it was also something meaningful that would probably make the whole thing hurt even more. Either way he waited to see what his boyfriend would do or say.  

[TawnyAngel]

"This..." So long ago it felt like a dream, another life. "After our first contract, we asked for our share in old gold coins. Nobody trades in them, but we wanted them. We...." He took a shuddering breath, tried to push down the welling emotions that sought to overwhelm him. "We bet each other that we could shoot a hole through one, that the other could not. I hit one, it fell off the roof and we chased it. I gave it to him, for luck because it had been a lucky shot. He kept it with him on missions but he- he never wore it. That would be...." Zevran trailed off again and this time he remained silent, staring at the object he held cupped in his palms.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

And there was the story behind it. As he'd thought it left him feeling complicated, but... glad? Yes, glad. Probably. "Sentimental?" He hazarded when Zevran trailed off. After a moment or two he carefully, gently wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders again as his gaze dropped to the gold coin cradled in his hands. Taliesen had never worn it in all the time Zev knew him -- which meant he must've worn it after he left. "He missed you," the taller blond noted quietly as the realization struck him.  

[TawnyAngel]

When was the last time he had cried?

That would be now.

Zevran raised a hand to wipe the tears away and leaned closer against Abel. "He missed me. He wanted me back. He cared." Really, truly, and for all it had been ******** up he had cared.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Not for the first time and probably not for the last, Abel felt his heart crumble to pieces and drop down to his feet as the tears slid down his love's cheeks. "He did," he agreed as he curled his arm a little tighter around Zev, his free hand lifting to help gently, gently brush the tears away. "He did miss you, he did care in his own way, I... s**t. I'm sorry. I knew he wanted you to go back really badly and didn't want to accept no, but I didn't realize... I'm sorry." And now he was dead. s**t. Was there anything he could've done? Anything he could've tried or said to make things end differently -- to end better? Probably, but it was too late now. Far, far too late.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran's hand tightened around the gold coin as though he was afraid somebody would snatch it away from him if he didn't grip it hard enough. "What did you do with him?" he whispered hoarsely. "Is... is he still there? We- we always said; a decent pyre."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Ah, s**t. "No, I-- After I left with you I didn't go back, I left Sonia in charge with the other pokemon, so I don't think so, no... This was all she brought back. We can still build a fire for him though, if you want? We could even make it on the beach. Anything you want."  

[TawnyAngel]

Abel had left Sonia with the other pokemon.

He didn't think Taliesen's body was still there.

...Oh.

Zevran swallowed down the taste of bile again, he tried to breathe normally but a sob forced its way out despite his efforts. "Don't be so kind!" he choked out. "He is dead, and nobody- nobody cared when he fell. And I killed him. Why couldn't I make him stop?" Sweet Andraste, he had tried but he had not tried hard enough. He had failed his friend.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Somehow he managed to suppress his instinct to apologize before anything else and instead said, "Of course people cared, Zev. You cared - you still do - and I cared because he was your best friend. Diego cared a lot too; he was the one who got my ear. I don't... I'm sorry things happened the way they did. I'm sorry they didn't end better, I'm sorry he's gone. I know none of that really changes anything, but... but I'm here. I'm always here for you," he reminded him, his voice dropping to a soft murmur as he squeezed his shoulders gently again, his free hand lingering near his face to wipe away more tears if he'd let him. Why did things have to end the way they had? Could they have talked him down? Would they have been shot for trying -- for succeeding? Would Taliesen have changed his mind before or after killing his best friend? There really was no way to tell now. All they could do was live with the way things had gone, whether they liked it or not.  

[TawnyAngel]

He tried to make himself stop crying but he was too tired and the grief and pain were too great. He sobbed again and gripped Abel's arm with one hand, the other still clutched the golden coin fiercely. "I should have saved him." He didn't know how, didn't know what he could have done differently, but he should have.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Never in the time he'd known Zevran had he ever had reason to think that someday he would be sitting on the side of a hotel bed holding his boyfriend while he cried and mourned the loss of the best friend that tried to kill him. Everything had been ******** up for them from the beginning, the Crows convincing them to kill their partner was ******** up, and the fact that they'd both been trained for such violence that instinct bid them both raise their weapons instead of their voices was ******** up. It ended this way because of where it all began. Perhaps they'd been steadily marching towards this end for years without even realizing it.

But why did it have to be this way?

Abel's arm tightened around his boyfriend's shoulders and his other hand lifted to his chin, sweeping up over his cheek to carry the tears away up into his hair as he pulled him closer, into a better hug. "I'm sorry," he repeated in a whisper, surprising himself a little at how tense his own voice sounded, how tight his throat felt. "I'm so sorry Zevran. I'm here -- I've got you."