Welcome to Gaia! ::

Work is getting hard... It's easier now that I'm presenting masculinely but customers, 4 weeks later, 100% of the time call me "she" and most make comments whether for better or worse about me having a beard. One woman literally shouted at me "Girl" then cackled hysterically for a minute + until she left the store. I think the hard thing to accept is the mocking will never end. But what will is how I handle it. Last night, one kind lady told me her son is transgender and lives in Spain right now, is married, and she showed me pictures of his process to motivate me and keep me going. Gods bless that woman's heart, and I'm never going to forget her. It's things like that I need because... in times like these when it feels like everything's against me, it's hard to see a bright future but people like her give me hope. smile Yeah, I get those rude people but... the kindness I receive is more memorable, and it leaves a bigger impact. Another man, he smiled huge and said "Well I'll be damned!" then shook my hand and wished me the best of luck alongside his wife. So many people and so much kindness, so many people and so much mockery... It's hard to comprehend things sometimes but I'll choose to remember the kind people like that lady, the man and wife, and so on. Because if people won't change then at least my mind can to make the best of things. smile

LOVE SPANISH POWER METAL SO MUCH!!!!!!! Not only is it good, but I get to practice my listening and comprehension skills while listening, too! biggrin

I like De La Tierra.
Also, have you ever heard of Dark Compass, it is a podcast kinda advertising metal bands. I like to find some bands through it.

ON MY WAY TO DISNEY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

It's been 4 long months. It's been an endless war against depression, anxiety, hearing stories of suicide while coping with the past 4 suicides that have occurred in the district within the past year for being LGBT+, and wanting to give up the fight. But at long last, the war ends.

I was in Disney for several days recently. On my first full day, my friend, Beth, went with me to Magic Kingdom and we stood in beating sunlight burning our pale skins for several hours while awaiting our entry to the Snow White and the Seven Dwarves ride. Neither of us had spoken much. We didn't exactly have conversation topics since we'd run out after our first long wait for the previous ride. But to myself, I thought about home and how I should probably call Mom and Dad at night and tell them how everything was so far. At that moment, my phone buzzed inside the vest pocket.

Mom.

I picked up. "...Mom?" I asked.

"I have good news."

"Huh?"

"We got the approval."

I screamed. Like the world was ending and I was the only one who knew. I nearly doubled over and started crying, and smiled intensely like never before. The most pure smile I'd ever given and... possibly the most pure I ever will give. I'd never felt happier in my life.



Mom had said that, hometown currently being hit with an intense blizzard, Dad drove through the storm to pick up my testosterone at the pharmacy. And I thanked her and hung up the phone. I toppled onto Beth, and she hugged me so tight for so long as tears nearly came pouring down my cheeks and the smile remained and I told her the news. Everyone in line looked at us like we were mad. Some went silent, but all expressed looks of pure confusion which I couldn't care less about as Beth and I hugged for so many minutes in absolute joy.

The war was over. And everyone in person and online congratulated me upon hearing the news. They called me a warrior--a hero.

This morning was my first day home. I woke up, a smile coming to my face once more despite nagging sensations of nervousness and doubt. Would I regret this? What if I didn't like it? What if I had a reaction on my skin? But I shook the thoughts away and read all 5 pages of the detailed instructions for my testosterone, how much I should use and where to apply it, what to look for and what to avoid, etc. And giddily, I ran into that bathroom with that brightest smile on my face once more, prepping the bottle pump of gel once and for all then rubbing it into my shoulders excitedly. As it dried, I laughed at the tightness of my upper arm skin, and slipped my PJ shirt back on my torso.



All day, I've been crying in joy. I've been feeling the tension in my shoulders, my legs, my spine, everything. I've been waiting for puberty the right way, and it's only been one day. I keep looking in the mirror to see if anything's changed and I still smile even when I know nothing has because it will. For sure. The right way this time. Because I'm finally, after 18 years and 4 hellish months, am going through the correct puberty into manhood the way I've always wanted to. I've never had to deal with anything harder, and yet nor have I ever been happier. I guess... for every negative there's an equal positive somewhere down the road. Because this is the best positive I could have ever asked for. smile

March 6, 2018. I have started testosterone. I have started my transition.

Currently on the life of Magnus...

My latest poem: Guide For The Blind by Dawnbreaker Dystopia productions

‘Top mountains high
Frigid winds graze charcoal sky
His lowly soul
Bestows hand through sightless cold

Rays breaching night
Darkness peering yonder fright
Fade blackened light
Guide you home, make this right

Blinded you have grown
Distant shadows sow
Breaking dawn, sky above harrows soulless calls

Shoulder ancient sins
Shrouded deep within
Crying free his distant light beckons for your soul

Lost, found, over the ground
In silence we stand
And your hallowed hand
Guides us through the night as I call your name
And you answer this call
My guide, my guide for the blind

‘Cross valleys far
Brittle sun sets beyond stars
Your damnèd soul
Grasps his ancient promise told

Daylight shall flee
Fretless hopes beckon you free.
Sun sets for thee;
Blind guide answers desperate plea
(Lost inside eternity)

Blinded you have grown
Distant daylight sows
Fading dawn, sky above harrows ancient calls

Life anew begins
Thriving deep within;
Crying home his distant light beckons for your soul

Lost, found, over the ground
In silence we stand
And your hallowed hand
Guides us through the night as I call your name
And you answer this call
My guide, my guide for the blind

Blinded you have grown
Guiding light leads home;
Absent dawn, sky above fills your soulless call

Burdened ancient sins
Freed from deep within;
Bound alas his distant light now cradling your soul

“For once lost now given hope, these blind may see their land beyond. Sorrows and sins shall burn and wither and all once fallen now stand hither.”

Lost, found, over the ground
Calling free without plight
And your hallowed light
Guides our way yonder fray as we call your name
And you answer this call
Our guide, our guide for the blind

Won't say who you are but... goodbye, old friend. We hardly spoke, in fact I knew almost nothing about you because the only time we ever spoke was during Gaia Spirit Week over 2.5 years ago. But your struggle with suicide was... intense. You were open about it, and I'm sorry it ever came to this... Gods why did you not live? Why didn't you just live another day? The fight is hard, yours lasted years and you didn't make it and ******** hell I just wish you had... Please tell me this isn't real, that you'll be alive and you didn't mean this time just as you haven't meant the other thousand... Please just be alive. Post a new status saying you're recovering or something.

Gods... There's no point in begging for the impossible. So instead I give you the possible: my wishes in your afterlife. May you never have to fight again. May your problems disappear forever, and may you just be ok for once. Goodbye, friend. I saw your status only now, then your profile update to go with it. I wish I could have said something... I'm not going to listen to the song, I can't bear to. It's a message I dredge because, even though I hardly knew you, I cared. And the hardest thing is people will tell me to stop caring so much because I hardly knew you, and it's not my problem. But I am sad because I just wish this could change and I know it can't. I'll be over this soon but that doesn't mean it's any less sad. I'm sorry. I don't know what for but I'm sorry. May the afterlife be kinder to you than this life.