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hi guyss

I just read my first book entirely through for the first time in 2 years. I was in a state of constant depression, and with my junior-year teacher forcing hundreds of pages of reading on us per week like force-feeding rotten fruit into our stomachs, I lost all hope for life as a hobbyist reader. I used to love reading. I'd spend hours a day at it reading the entire Ender's Game series, The Mortality Doctrine series, and The Maze Runner series, and the Divergent series, and so many more. I would have died for the sake of reading two years ago. But after that I wanted to avoid books entirely. I wanted to step away from them and never read again. I had no will. No desire. Not even for things which once interested me like Ender's Game.

Two weeks ago, my library hosted its annual book sale. Softcovers for $0.50 and hardcovers for $2.00. There I found almost the entire Malazan Book of the Fallen series (books 2-9), and I took them all with glee because I'd heard good things about those books. Some other side books came up as interesting me, so I picked those out, too. One was a childish book clearly written for kids in late elementary-early middle school, and I figured it'd be an easy read, maybe spark my interest in reading again.

The Haunting of Gabriel Ashe by Dan Poblocki kept me on edge, crying, hoping, finding everything I once loved about reading while providing a shockingly dark ending hidden inside a supposedly-innocent children's book which, honestly, I absolutely love. To death (no pun intended, if you've read the book).

That book is amazing. With its story, with its characters, with its method of storytelling, too! And it took only 3 days to read entirely. I finished a book in 3 days it was so good. And just as importantly: my love for reading has returned. I'm often now sitting on my couch, not on a computer or phone like I've been 24/7 for the past umpteen months, but instead reading. A lost hobby returned. So thank you, The Haunting of Gabriel Ashe. And Mr. Poblocki. Because you've been a childhood favorite author since the day Mrs. White read your stories aloud to the class in first grade and kept us all on edge, and kept us engulfed in a great story. Here I am, 12 years later, pulling out of reading hell by reading your stories again and discovering its joys once more. Thank you.

nun much bored

This just in: I'M HELLA GAY AND LOVE MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I played Overwatch with this one guy and he got POTG twice in a row, played Hanzo every time, and then on the second POTG I looked. He used his ult at 2%. The dude was hacking. Goddamnit, I actually thought you were cool, dude.

Today was the senior safety and awareness day. For fire safety, we had two survivors of the Seton Hall fire from 2000 come, Alvaro and Shawn. To be expected, mainly for Alvaro, their faces showed obvious signs of damage, burns, skin deformations, etc. And Shawn and Alvaro both were asked about how they handle people's reactions in public to seeing them.

I don't remember who answered, maybe both did, but one of the men at least responded, "People are curious and if you satisfy that curiosity then the person after might not do anything!" Shawn had problems with bubbly fingers and had to wear garments and stuff to keep the bubbling down, and Alvaro's whole body suffered from deformations, so he got lots of attention. "People never stop staring," they said. "You just have to accept that."

That struck so close to home. Being transgender, people never stop staring. Statistically, transgender people are more likely to be assaulted, killed, attacked, etc. by people than any other group, regardless of race or sex or anything. And I've never once gone somewhere where people don't look strangely at me, keep staring, asking why I'm this way, etc. I've had one guy who I've never felt so threatened in my life before, and I genuinely thought he would come after me or something. And those stares, they bring down my confidence. They make me hate myself, and who I am, and feel ashamed for being me. Alvaro and Shawn said one of the hardest parts of their recovery was accepting this is how they look now, and loving how they looked.

At the end of the presentation, I walked up to Alvaro and shook his hand, then said to him and Shawn, "I just want to thank you for coming here today. I'm a transgender guy, and people NEVER stop looking at me--never stop staring. And it's horrifying, I feel so bad about it. But knowing you two dealt with the same thing--having people staring at you all the time every day in public, everywhere you went, and you're here, it's nice knowing others are dealing with the same thing. Thank you."

Shawn smiled. "Yeah! As long as you love who you are, then that's all that matters!" He walked in and gave me a giant hug.

I nearly broke down crying. Yeah, I'm a crybaby, but the staring has been my biggest discouragement thus far, and the main reason I've felt depressed. Shawn and Alvaro made it, so I will, too. Thank you, you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII don't miss hormones at all.

Goddamnit for 3 days all I've wanted to do is cry, exercise, cry, and cry more. Mainly cry. But I managed to channel that energy into a new song. I feel accomplished because of that. But I still want to cry. I want to run into a forest and cry for 1000 years until testosterone stops being a b***h to meeeee (but at least I'm getting lots of hair growth now!)

This is a friendly reminder to kiss your pets today and tell them how much you love them. If you've done that already, do it again. And again. Give your pets all the love!!!!! heart heart heart