Epic quotes (Screw cleanliness, it's no holds barred, now)

[ChainsawDooM]

* Eudoxus has joined #math
Can anyone help me write 1/(x^2-3x+2) as a power series in x and find its radius of convergence?
No
But we can give you a lollipop
Have a lollipop?  

[ChainsawDooM]

ProfessorOhki: oh, ud get a kick out of this
ProfessorOhki: cisco guy came to talk to my class
ProfessorOhki: (lecture hall)
thepieisabomb: ya
ProfessorOhki: and he goes "i ask this ever year out of curiosity, who has the most media collected and served?"
ProfessorOhki: no one wants to raise hands
ProfessorOhki: one guy rasies his hand
ProfessorOhki: "how many gigs of media do you have shared?"
ProfessorOhki: guy: "about 3.6 terrabytes"
ProfessorOhki: i swear the cisco guys heart stopped for a sec  

[ChainsawDooM]

Hi I'm a mac
And I'm a PC
So what you doing PC?
Upgrading my Graphics card, RAM and Processor.
Oh.... Ummmm
Don't you just love a good upgrade!
Well actually, I can't. If you want to upgrade you'll have to buy a new system.......  

[ChainsawDooM]

And, I'm done!

Those are all the ones in my "epic quotes.txt" file. So, until I find more, I'm done.

... Unless I post the really long ones, like... stories of college things. Yeah... I'l post those. There aren't really that many of them.  

[ChainsawDooM]

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.  

[ChainsawDooM]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2 If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"  

[ChainsawDooM]

*GASP*
... I think I can sleep now...

... No, I'm not going to spam my pictures tomorrow. That would take even longer, since I probably have more than 1,000 viable funny pictures...  

[Kristabelle015]

My god... I just laughed more than I've laughed in a LONG time!!!
Chainsaw do you mind if I print some of these out to show my (non-Gaia) best mate? She'd probably laugh even more than I did!!!! ^^  

[ChainsawDooM]

Go ahead. Not as if I own them or anything. I'd like to know which ones she liked, though.  

[Kristabelle015]

lol they both liked the majority of them ^^  

[ChainsawDooM]

One of my favorite ones is the two guys and the pot story, just because it takes a special kind of person to think of that solution to their problem...

"OH, s**t! A COP!"
"Quick! We can blind him with gayness!"  

[Kristabelle015]

Hehe, I can think of one of my friends doing that...
I think my favourite one is the guy in the doctor's office, followed closely by the guy who got banned from Barnes & Noble ^^  

[ChainsawDooM]

Found another thing. I doubt it's true, but it's still hilarious.

>When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
>it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
>someone you don't know.
>
>Years ago, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
>forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
>saying "Hello."
>
>I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
>Carter?"
>
>Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing
>number!"
>and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
>could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call
>her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
>
>After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**hole!" and
>hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and
>put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
>or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!"
>It always cheered me up.
>
>When Caller ID was introduced in Virginia, I thought my therapeutic
>'a**hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
>"Hi, this is John Smith from Bell Atlantic. I'm calling to see if you're
>familiar with our new Caller ID Program?"
>
>He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
>and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!" and hung up.
>
>One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
>for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
>his back window, so I wrote down his number.
>
>A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his
>number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole,
>too.
>
>I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
>
>He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He
>said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. The car's parked
>right out in front."
>
>I asked, "What's your name?"
>He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
>
>I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
>
>He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
>
>I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>He said, "Yes?"
>
>I said, "Don, you're an a**hole!"
>Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
>had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.
>
>Then I came up with an idea. I called a**hole #1.
>He said, "Hello."
>
>I said, "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you
>still there?"
>I said, "Yeah,"
>
>He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
>I said, "Make me,"
>He asked, "Who are you?"
>I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
>
>He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
>
>I said, "A**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. I have a black
>Beamer parked in front."
>
>He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
>saying your prayers."
>I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up.
>
>Then I called A**hole #2.
>
>He said, "Hello?"
>I said, "Hello, a**hole,"
>
>He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>I said, "You'll what?"
>He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a**,"
>I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
>now."
>
>Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
>my gay lover.
>
>Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
>Blvd. in Fairfax.
>
>I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just
>in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in
>front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
>news crew.
>
>NOW I feel much better.
>
>Anger management really does work
>
>
>  

[ChainsawDooM]

"All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand. "  

[ChainsawDooM]

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."