[FIN] Unexpected Finds

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Any kind you want would be perfect, I think," he said, aiming a warm smile at his boyfriend as his thumb continued to gently trace his tattoos.  

[TawnyAngel]

After some deliberation Zevran had decided upon pollock and then they had spent some more time deliciously cuddled on the couch speaking of not very much. He almost forgot about seeing Molly and about what Abel had said earlier, almost.

Eventually they went for their walk and then shopped for the ingredients they needed for the fish parcels, and as the afternoon wore on Zevran found himself thinking more and more about Molly again and comparing himself to how he imagined she had been when she had lived with Abel. He kept the thoughts veiled, he didn't want to spoil the day, but they gnawed away at him as he showed Abel how to fillet, bone, and skin the fish. They made up six of the fish parcels and four went in the freezer for future easy meals, and then they ate.

Now they were back on the couch with cans of beer and the gnawing thoughts just would not leave him alone; whispers told him that he would never be to Abel what Molly had been, Abel would never love him, they were having fun but surely it was doomed to end when Abel found somebody... somebody real. He still wasn't a proper person, not really, he had never learned how to be and while he could act it well today he was filled with dread and certainty that it would never be more than surface deep.

"Ah... sorry?" Zevran blinked over at Abel as he realised his boyfriend had said something that he had completely failed to hear.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

What had been a curious look turned into one of mild concern as Abel paused with a can of beer halfway to his lips. He lowered it back to rest on his knee before repeating himself, "I asked if you wanted to watch a movie or something, is all. ...are you okay?" The afternoon and early evening had been wonderful, but he hadn't ever been able to shake the lingering feeling that something was wrong, something was off. It was very slight, and more than once he wondered whether something really was wrong or if it was just his imagination, if he was overthinking things again, but Zevran just seemed more and more distracted. Well, more than usual -- and not by him. Was something wrong, or was he just lost in thought or something similarly innocuous?  

[TawnyAngel]

Should he talk to him about it? That was what people did, that was what Abel had said he could do if anything bothered him. He was still worried that he wouldn't like the answers he might get but sitting here stewing in it wasn't any good either. At least he would know where he stood.

"Ahh..." Zevran looked away and ran his tongue over his lips, nervously for once instead of seductively. The happy mask he had been keeping up faded and his expression became troubled. "I was just... Mmmh. I was thinking about earlier, how we met Molly. I... I know you said you do not feel about her as you once did but...." Zevran trailed off, shrugged, and sipped at his beer again. Abel had loved Molly, he'd said he loved him too earlier but he hadn't meant it. And he never would.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Ahh, so there was something wrong. Abel listened as Zev spoke, his eyebrows lowering a bit before raising again. So that's what had bothered him. Had it been bothering him all day? Why didn't he mention it earlier?

Maybe because it was Zev, a quiet little voice in the back of his mind suggested, and Zev was used to bottling everything up deep inside.

He could've bottled this up too, but he didn't; he'd opted to share it instead.

Without a word Abel set his can of beer down on the coffee table and lifted his hands to Zevran's cheeks to encourage him to look up at him again. One lingered there, gentle and careful, while the other - the chilly one that had held the cold can of beer - dropped instead to his shoulder. He studied his boyfriend's face carefully for a moment or two as he thought how best to respond, choosing his words with great care. "I meant what I said -- I don't feel about her as I used to," he said firmly, reassuringly, his voice sincere because he didn't. He'd loved her once, sure, but that love had faded. It had faded long before he'd ever met Zevran, even.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran did look up and meet Abel's gaze at the gentle encouragement from his hands; Abel often held his face like this when he wanted his attention, it still surprised him a little that it didn't feel unpleasant or controlling. He felt safe with Abel, and he trusted Abel. "I believe you," Zevren replied sincerely but then he ran his tongue over his lips again and looked down once more. "I just... She seemed so perfect." How could he ever measure up to that?  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel leaned closer to gently rest his forehead against Zev's, his thumb gliding back and forth over his cheek, his movements light, soft, careful. Was he...? No, he couldn't feel inferior, could he? He couldn't feel like she was better than him, right? Not Zevran of all people...

...but then again, he'd thought Zevran of all people would never blush at anything for any reason, and he'd been proven extremely wrong.

"Nobody's perfect -- though you come much closer than most," he said gently, a small smile curving his lips briefly. She had seemed perfect to him, and that had been bothering him all day... How could he make him feel better about that? What could he say? 'No, she was terrible and awful and I'm glad we broke up'? He couldn't lie to him about anything but he had to say something. But what? "Why d'you think she seemed perfect?" Maybe that wasn't the best question but if he had a clearer idea of what exactly was bothering him, then maybe he could figure out something more helpful to say.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran leant his brow against Abel's in return but he didn't reach out to return the touch, one hand still held his beer and the other gripped the couch cushion awkwardly. "She seemed..." Zevran searched for the right words but he couldn't find them in any of the languages he spoke, not coherent ones at least. "Kind," he said after a rather long pause. "She seemed kind,decent, warm, real. Everything you have ever said of her has been good." She would not fall awkwardly over feelings, drag dark shadows around behind her, she was whole and wholesome or so it seemed to him anyway.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Once he was sure his other hand wasn't cold anymore he lifted it to gently cup Zevran's other cheek. "Well.. yes, she is all of those things," Abel admitted after a moment or two of thought, his thumbs tracing soft lines over Zev's cheeks, "but then again, so are you -- even if you don't think you are. You've always been kind to me. You've been all of those things to me."  

[TawnyAngel]

Abel said those things, and he trusted Abel, so why didn't he believe him this time?... Because he believed he was mistaken, mistaken or too kind himself to see the truth. Maybe he was kind and warm to Abel, he tried to be, but he wasn't decent or real. A facsimile of a person, he had been taught to be funny and confident and flirtatious. He had been trained to seem kind, when it was needed. Was that all this was? Was he pretending and simply hoping so much that he had left behind what he had been, what he really was, that he was fooling even himself?

Zevran closed his eyes and swallowed. He shouldn't have started this, he should have pretended nothing was wrong, that he had only been distracted for a moment. He couldn't speak, he couldn't be truthful but nor did he want to lie to Abel. He wished he had never seen Molly with her freckles and her kind face, Abel deserved somebody like her but he could not stand to let him go.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

...oh, oh now he looked worse. "Hey," he said gently, suddenly alarmed at the change in demeanor. A moment passed before his hands fell away from Zevran's face, but they didn't go very far; he turned to face him better and held his arms out for a hug. In case he didn't get the hint he added gently, "Come here. Talk to me, what's wrong?"  

[TawnyAngel]

What was he supposed to do with his beer? He didn't want to pull away from Abel to set it down so he ended up keeping hold of it awkwardly in one hand as he leant into Abel and wrapped his other arm tightly around him. His throat was tight and he kept it tight, controlled. What could he tell Abel? The truth? Really? He could but he didn't know if he wanted to, there was no un-saying it and he felt as though he more he knew Abel the more unhappy things he said and he didn't want that. He wanted to be a happy presence in his life, not a cause of worry and pain. But he didn't want to lie either.

"Ah." Zevran cleared his throat and swallowed again; when he spoke his voice was tense but steady. "I just... I am not. Decent, real. I feel...." What did he feel? "I feel as though I am tricking you."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Well half a hug was good, but a full hug would be better. With that thought in mind, he wrapped one arm securely around him while his free hand gently curled around Zev's can of beer, silently trying to remove it from his grasp if he'd let him so he could set it down on the coffee table too. "Why do you feel like you're tricking me...? I don't think you are at all." Was Zevran tricking him? Was he fooling him with all of those small, shy smiles, those moments of sincerity - like this one - where he seemed to crumble part of the walls he'd long since built around himself and let him in somewhere no one else had been?

He answered his own questions immediately, the response an unquestionable, resounding 'never.' No, Zevran would never trick or fool him. There was no way, not with how he acted, how he spoke, the things he said or did... He cared too much, he truly cared too much to ever do anything like that.  

[TawnyAngel]

He let Abel take the can and then wrapped his other arm tightly around him too. He took another deliberate even breathe but the tension in his muscles was beginning to make him tremble an he hated the weakness and he hated himself. "I must be," he replied eventually, his voice still sounded tight but now it was tinged with confusion too. "I am fooling you, and myself. How could I be those things?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

With the can out of the way he wrapped both arms around him tightly before he slouched back against the arm of the couch - not quite lying down but not quite sitting up - and pulled Zev with him so the both of them could be a bit more comfortable - and close - while they talked. Fooling him and fooling himself... This went much deeper than just seeing Molly earlier. There was no question. "Why? I don't think you're fooling or tricking anyone," he replied gently, carefully, choosing his words with as much care as he'd use when choosing where to step in a minefield. "I think you really are those things."