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Johnny never woke.

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Xahmen
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:32 pm
A bullet tastes like a piece of metal corn, it's small, kernel-like; 'nd when a bullet punches through your skull into your brain your waking world goes "POP" and pretty soon your nothing more than a vegetable.

A year went by and Johnny's family stopped visiting.
A year after that they stopped paying for his life support.
Two days later the doctors took him off of it.

At first the nurses went in on their normal routines, they changed his bedpan, and after three days Johnny hadn't degraded in condition.
When a person is taken off of life support their body eats itself; but Johnny looked healthier than before.

One nurse fell ill.

His family came to sit by his side on day seven of being off of life support.
They stayed for two hours, then promptly left to go to dinner, where his mother passed out in the bathroom and broke her neck on a sink.

Another nurse fell ill.

One day later Johnny's doctor came to work complaining of stomach pain.
After listening to two long lectures on ethics in the work enviornment from his boss, Johnny's doctor turned his head and started vomiting blood.

But Johnny looked healthier than before.
And everybody began to notice it.

And then Johnny was gone, one night around three A.M. he woke up; and with the ease of someone who's been doing this his entire life, Johnny walked away from being "dead" for a little over two years.
Although in a sense Johnny never really did wake up, because noone ever saw him again (or at least noone he knew).

The two nurses that became sick subsequently slipped into coma's of their own, and eventually passed from malignant brain tumors.
The doctor committed suicide, no note, no apparent cause.
They just found him dead in his bathtub; and they still don't know how he did it.


-Author's Note-

The concept of our bodies nature instinct to survive has always amazed me. So has the concept of Vampirism, not the cheesy blood-sucking type, but the kind that feeds off of people's life. Some natural force that surrounds us, kind of a comsic immune system; and when it falls, you fall.

Revenge is also something that fascinates me.

Give me feedback, find something wrong with it, I need it.
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:41 pm
And then Johnny was gone, one night he woke up and walked away after two years, one week, and one day of being dead to the world.
In a sense Johnny never woke up, because noone ever saw him again (or at least noone he knew).


I would do it like this:

And then Johnny was gone, he woke up and walked away after two years, one week, and one day of being dead to the world.
But then again, to the world Johnny never woke up, because no one ever saw him again.
 

Spastic waffles
Captain


Xahmen
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:49 pm
Thanks, I didn't go with what you suggested, but rereading what you qouted made me realize it sounded goofy, and I went back and changed it to add more detail.
Thank you.  
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:57 pm
The only part that seemed off to me, you have just fixed.

Really liked how you transitioned this piece. One nurse.. Tow nurse.. then the Doctor. Then both the nurses died.. then the doctor. Everything flowed in a surreal mind set. What struck me was the last line. That seemed to bring it all together. All the suspiscions of the readers thoughts, thinking Johnny was somehow doing it.. but not entierly sure..

The ending packed the punch for me.  

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain


Spastic waffles
Captain

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:14 pm
noone=no one. coma's=comas.

Sorry, it's the grammar nazi in me.

And I liked it better when you said "two years, one week, and one day"
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:59 pm
I really liked the extended metaphor at the beginning. That really made the story for me. Some writers feel they have the need to explain everything, and the fact that you didn't really made for a better piece.  

Voxxx


KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:18 pm
Aaaaaaaaaaaawwweeeesome! I loved this. It really kind of (to sound totally cheesy) personifies humanity, and such. I don't know how to put it, my brain died.

Amazing.

Loved the end. Really brought it together.  
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:54 am
I really like that piece, I like who he "Killed" others to get his life back.  

Flowers For Demon Horns


Call_Me_Deb

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:00 pm
Did any more of his family die? It makes it feel a little left open when you explain the nurses and doctors going and not the family...or did they ever come back to see him after the seventh day?  
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:06 pm
This rates four-ninjas (no, there is no five-ninja. I'm OCD like that. No odd-number ratings. And four is the best. Better than six or eight or ten, actually).

ninja ninja ninja ninja  

Reese_Roper


KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 4:00 pm
Hells yes!

Z, have you ever seen Elfin Lied? The anime?  
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 8:56 am
Yup, doesn't the crazy final boss-ish little girl have sixteen arms with a fourty foot reach?
Good anime though.  

Xahmen
Vice Captain


Kurai_kotori

PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:00 am
actually, it's 26 arms.  
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 11:23 am
Isn't Saw II the movie that had a theme of "how far will we go to survive"? That theme is pretty similar to what you're portraying here. Humans are scared about what lies in the world after life, and can become pretty desperate when fighting to survive.

And I laughed about the two nurses falling into comas. I'm pretty sure one of the stories surrounding the Area 51 event went something like that (two nurses vanished along with the alien, or whatever.)

Me likey.  

BlackHawkGS

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Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
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