Shadow Child

[Spastic waffles]

This was supposed to be Chapter one of a novel I was writing, but the novel got nowhere.

I figured I'd just post it for you guys anyway to see what you thought of the start and get some advice on fixing it...maybe once the first chapter is fixed I can move on to the others. XD

Theoretically, the darkness should have been safe. Everything taught in schools would point to the darkness being a safe haven.

But theory is just that.

Instead, darkness was the worst. Darkness was one big Shadow, pressing upon every surface from the outside and creeping into every corner of the mind.

And Shadow was just the thing from which Amaya wished so desperately to escape.

Shadow haunted her. Everything she did, Shadow was there. Mocking her. Taunting her. Insulting her. Voicing her innermost doubts and fears. Employing every method possible to break her willpower.

And then she'd give in. Giving in was the ultimate defeat. Shadow took over. Amaya became Shadow.

Wherin she lost herself.

She hated herself when she gave in, and so she trained. Trained day after day to fight Shadow, both physically and mentally. Sometimes she trained so hard she became sick.

But that didn't matter. All that mattered was fighting Shadow.

Shadow fought back. Becuase when she grew stronger, Shadow grew stronger. The neverending cycle that was Amaya's life. She could not win, becuase one cannot defeat oneself, and Shadow was a part of Amaya. Shadow was not an external demon, but an internal one. She could never win. But she could fight.

And fight she did. She knew it was a losing battle, but it was a losing battle that mattered more than anything else. To give in meant becoming a monster. She battled that monster. She battled giving in. She would not, could not be overtaken.

But it was always there. Shadow followed her, lived in the semi-repressed corners of her mind. She had no escape.  

[Reese_Roper]

Kinda sounds more like a Prologue than a Chapter, but I love it anyway! heart

Makes me want to know what caused Shadow. ninja  

[Spastic waffles]

Reese_Roper

Kinda sounds more like a Prologue than a Chapter, but I love it anyway! heart

Makes me want to know what caused Shadow. ninja

I hadn't even planned that far yet.

I just saw a picture my friend drew of someone's shadow attacking them, and started writing this.

There's a chapter 2, but I hate it. Once I wrote and hated Ch. 2, I kinda gave up on and forgot the story. I just found it going through some old writing notebooks.  

[BlackHawkGS]

Employing every method possible to break her willpower down.

Taking out "down" sounds a little better, but that's just an opinion.

I'm in a dark/evil/shadowy mood tonight, so I found the piece pretty enjoyable. I'll agree with Reese when she said that it sounds like a prologue. You could do a lot of things with this setting, so if you find some more inspiration I'd like to see what you make of it.  

[Spastic waffles]

BlackHawkGS

Employing every method possible to break her willpower down.

Taking out "down" sounds a little better, but that's just an opinion.

I'm in a dark/evil/shadowy mood tonight, so I found the piece pretty enjoyable. I'll agree with Reese when she said that it sounds like a prologue. You could do a lot of things with this setting, so if you find some more inspiration I'd like to see what you make of it.

Yeah, I like it better without down.

Thanks, maybe later it will turn into something more.

Right after I finish a list of about 75 books I have to read and write the other novel I've got much more planned.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Kirby read, Kirby understood, Kirby loved. heart  

[NovaKing]

definately more of a prologue. I haven't much to say on it otherwise. If you dont know where you want the story to go then I would suggest making up a character. Sometimes seeing the story through another's eyes is all the inspiration you need.


Till then, good luck with all your work.  

[Spastic waffles]

See, I'm afraid of making it the Prologue, though.

No one ever reads those. I am one of those no ones.  

[KirbyVictorious]

I read it if the book is not a classic. Besides, old boring people never make prologues. They just rant.

But I have one. It has nothing to do with the story (or DOES it? ninja ) but it is there. And rather amusing ^^ to me.  

[NovaKing]

Spastic waffles

See, I'm afraid of making it the Prologue, though.

No one ever reads those. I am one of those no ones.

(If you'll pardon me cap'm)Thats a ridiculous assumption. There are many people who read prologues and those who don't are usually missing information that might be vital to the overall message of the story*.

* ermm..-Caugh- no offence capy'ton but not reading the prologue is a bit like ignoring the scenery in a portrait, if you ask me.  

[Spastic waffles]

NovaKing

Spastic waffles

See, I'm afraid of making it the Prologue, though.

No one ever reads those. I am one of those no ones.

(If you'll pardon me cap'm)Thats a ridiculous assumption. There are many people who read prologues and those who don't are usually missing information that might be vital to the overall message of the story*.

* ermm..-Caugh- no offence capy'ton but not reading the prologue is a bit like ignoring the scenery in a portrait, if you ask me.

Eh...sorry, but they're usually really boring and unimportant. Especially in the older novels, which are the only ones I usually see that even have prologues.

No offense taken. You're entitled to your opinion as much as I am. ^^  

[NovaKing]

Spastic waffles

NovaKing

Spastic waffles

See, I'm afraid of making it the Prologue, though.

No one ever reads those. I am one of those no ones.

(If you'll pardon me cap'm)Thats a ridiculous assumption. There are many people who read prologues and those who don't are usually missing information that might be vital to the overall message of the story*.

* ermm..-Caugh- no offence capy'ton but not reading the prologue is a bit like ignoring the scenery in a portrait, if you ask me.

Eh...sorry, but they're usually really boring and unimportant. Especially in the older novels, which are the only ones I usually see that even have prologues.

No offense taken. You're entitled to your opinion as much as I am. ^^

Of course, of course. ^_^  

[in the flicker.]

funny story: it does sound like more of a prologue, and that's why i didn't find reading it to be very enjoyable--i pretty much hate prologues. i just feel like if it's important enough to be in the book, then it's important enough to be in the story. if it the writer couldn't integrate it into the writing, why should i integrate it into my reading? but then again, it's not always about integration, but i think it should be. if you want to say something profound and thought provoking at the beginning that will make the reader go "whoa" when he goes back to think about it, make it a comment, not another story.

maybe i'm just a hater.

anyhow, onto your story!

to make this less prologue-y, try setting it in medias res--into the middle of things. something happens which warrants explanation, which is where you'd put some of this stuff.

some more technical stuff:

i would change "everything taught in schools would point" to "everything taught in schools pointed" or something because it sounds more sure, and it's in a better (i think) tense.

repetition of the word "every" two lines down is bugging me. but it might be for effect.

i was always taught that starting a sentence with a conjunction will damn you to grammatical hell, but lots of people do it. i think it would work just as well by omitting "and" in the next line, though.

fusing "Amay became Shadow." and "wherein she lost herself" might help. i personally am not comfortable with using "wherein" (but i am comfortable using some other awkward words, like furthermore, thus, etc), so i would take it out, but if it works for you, leave it.

it's really nice up until "semi-repressed" which...i just don't think works well. it just seems like things are either repressed or they're not, not halfway.

overall, this is a really cool idea and i think it would make a flippin awesome novella or short story. i'm not up for reading a novel, so i opt for something shorter =P