[Untitled]- Need help on the tense

[BlackHawkGS]

Hi guys! Sorry I haven't finished my "Betwixt" mini-series. I'll get around to it... someday.

Anyhow, I'm writing this story. Yay, Hawk's writing a story! There's actually a lot of history behind it and stuff, but I'll leave that for another time. Basically, I need your help on deciding whether I should write this in a first-person present tense or perhaps in a 3rd person past tense. I think it sounds decent as it is, but I need some other opinions on this besides my own.

So here are the first two chapters! Note that this is a little unpolished and will have a few errors. The primary reason I'm posting this is for the tense.

* * *


Chapter 1

It’s a stupid game. Really. My friend Alec and I play it all the time though. Like teenagers have anything better to do on their summer vacation.

There’s this woodsy area behind my house with a wide stream running across. Alec and I take turns attempting to leap across the gap. It’s sort of a ‘Make it all the way or get soaked’ thing. As far as my score in the game goes… well, I get wet pretty often.

Alec yells at me from the opposite side. “Come on, Brian! You might make it this time… at which point you’ll still only be 1 for 14!”

Friends are wonderful, aren’t they?

“Man, this is the last time I’m trying this.” I say this standing in completely soaked jeans. “These pants are starting to stick to my legs and crap…”

I step back a few feet. Concentrate, Brian. You’re being beat by a short little blonde boy. You should be able to destroy him at this game.

I take off, accelerating to my legs’ full potential. My feet leave my side of the stream as I leap aaannnddd…

Splash.

“Haha! I’ve officially beat you 14 times today, man! Are you even trying?” Alec loves rubbing it in.

“Psh, whatever…” I take off my jeans with my basketball short lying beneath. Something about us Indiana kids. Wearing basketball shorts underneath anything. As if Michael Jordan is going to jump out when we’re least expecting and challenge us to a life-threatening game of 1-on1 basketball.

Alec and I walk off into the woods. Man, you gotta love summer break. No going to school where we pretend to listen to the lectures, copy homework off each other, and cram for tests the minute before a teacher passes them out. You get to bask in the sun and hang out with friends just about every day.

We come to the lake lying in the center of the woods. It’s pretty big. I mean, you can put a boat in it and everything. Alec and I have even attempted fishing once. But for reasons concerning a violent tangle of fishing wire… well, we don’t do that anymore.

Alec plops down at the lake’s edge, his legs dangling over the edge and scraping the water’s surface with his shoes. “I’m wiped. We really need to come up with a new game… how about we try swimming? Like, in here? Though I’m not sure what sort of freaky fish may be down there.”

Something catches my attention from the opposing end of the lake.

“Hey, Alec.” I keep standing. “Do you see something over there? Sort of looks like it’s flashing at us.”

Alec has already leaned back on the ground. “Sure.” He hadn’t seen it. “Why don’t you go check it out while I … rest…”

“Eh, alright then.” I sigh as I begin my walk around the lake. Alec runs out of energy pretty quickly. Definitely why he doesn’t do sports.

I get to the other side and kneel down on the ground to examine the small flashing object. It was a… radio? But it had some little satellite dish on the top that was spinning around like mad. The mirror-like surface on the inside was reflecting light from the sun that I had seen flashing earlier.

“Ok then… what are you doing?” Yeah, I talk to myself. I’m pretty convinced at times that inanimate objects can hear me. But hey, at least I don’t respond.

I begin looking over the buttons. They all seem to be normal, I think. Volume dial, channel changing dial, space-time distortion dial… wait, what!?

Yeah. Space-time distortion dial. Makes about as much sense to you as it does to me. I, of course unaware of what a space-time distortion even is, immediately reach for the unfamiliar dial and give it a spin.

Poof.

The radio disappears. No flash of light, loud bang, or anything. Just disappears, as if someone drew it into existence, realized they made a mistake and pressed the undo button.

But in its place is something interesting: A small black key, a little shorter than the length of my pinky. It has a flowery design along the stem, all in shiny black metal.

I wait for a second. Ok… surely, something else has to happen. Like some clown is going to pop out of a tree and start chucking sombreros at me. I was pretty shocked at the moment and wouldn’t be surprised if that happened.

After a few seconds of hesitation, I pick up the key, pocket it, and dash back to Alec.
“Holy crap, Alec! Did you see that!?”

Alec wakes up. “… huh?”

I sigh. Yaaa, he’s pretty unobservant as well.

Chapter 2

The sun begins to set. I’ve returned from my adventure with Alec and open the backdoor to my house.

“Just remember, there are plenty of hotlines if you see any more disappearing radios!” Alec is make sure to make fun of my story one last time.

“Whatever…” I close the door behind me and run up to my room.

I pass my mom on the way up. “Hey, sweetie! You and Alec have fun at the lake today?”

“Yup,” I continue to my room. One of those teenager-parent conversations that never has the potential to go anywhere.

I jump onto my bed and set the key down in front of me.

Ok… let’s think of things you could be used to unlock:

1. A door to a haunted house.
2. A buried treasure chest.
3. That filing cabinet where I accidentally locked up my old Gameboy.
4. The gateway to another dimension.

I run over to my cabinet to check theory number 3; It’s wrong. Which sort of sucks since I’ve wanted to play that thing for awhile now.

Looks like theory 4 has the most potential. But where this gateway is and how I’m suppose to access it is another story. It could be anywhere! Or maybe…

It could open up a gateway anywhere it wants. Hey, I’ve seen it on TV shows before. And Harry Potter could just wave his wand to teleport anywhere he wants. Perhaps this works in a similar fashion!

I pick up the key. Now what’s some sort of incantation that would make you activate and transport me to this other dimension…

“Activate, key!”

Nothing.

“Go, key!”

Nothing.

“Do something, key!”

Nothing. Ok, maybe shouting commands at it like it’s some sort of Pokemon won’t work.

“Open sesame!”

Shouting extremely clichéd lines was out of the equation.

My mom calls from the kitchen. “Brian, dinner time!”

That didn’t work either.  

[Vixen13]

I'm a big fan of third person. To me, first person limits you* in the way of setting and description. Third is also more flexible because you can still add in your favorite first person lines with a little tweaking. "Nothing. Ok, maybe shouting commands at it like it’s some sort of Pokemon won’t work." Change won't to wouldn't and suddenly it works in third person. Add italics for thoughts, and you're good to go. Third person is also nice because you can add it little bits outside the main character's knowledge that would be useful to the reader.

Those are my thoughts. Considering the set up of the story, I feel that once you get further in it third person would be useful. In the end, it's your story and your choice. It's something to think about.


* - "you" used in "in general" sense. I've gotten into pointless arguments because that wasn't clear, so now I'm just going to add it to all posts. heh  

[in the flicker.]

hm. i'm personally fond of first person, simply because it's easier to engage the reader (because it's easier to make it more casual, more friendly), and that's why i like to read first person.

but Vixen is right: it can limit what you can say unless it's a first person omniscient or something.

but my vote is for first person. it is a little more difficult, but i find that it pays off.  

[Reese_Roper]

I like this piece the way it is. Particularly the bits of humor (okay, most of it is humor), thrown in everywhere

Quote:

“These pants are started to stick to my legs and crap…”.

Only thing I can find is here, where it might sound better if it was "are starting" or "have started." Personality, I like the former more than the latter, but the whole thing's up to you. 3nodding


Can't wait to read more!  

[BlackHawkGS]

Ah, thanks Reese. Didn't see that one sweatdrop  

[Voxxx]

First person, alla way. It adds interest, and like flick said, it makes things more casual, almost like you know the character personally. Story was fantastic. Update soon? 4laugh



D'joo um, get a sex change? O.o  

[Spastic waffles]

I'm usually pretty thrid-person preaching, but for this story I think first person is the only thing that's going to work.

Sick with first.  

[RitzGS]

I thought it over and I decided to go with first-person in a past tense. Luckily, I had already planned to rewrite the first chapters so that won't be a problem. I realized that I've actually had an easy time writing behind the eyes of the protagonist in the past, so I think it'll come out nicely.

Yeaaah, this actually won't happen in the final version. The radio didn't fit into the plot as well as I thought it would and started making a mess... so I took it out. blaugh This project is the heftiest I've ever attempted, so you won't be seeing the full thing till sometime next spring. I'll explain more as is comes along.

Thanks for your help, everyone! Every little comment and critique you guys give me helps a TON. 3nodding  

[KirbyVictorious]

Kirby loved it. ^^ But it was a cruel, cruel joke to name the other person Alec. Shame on you.

It's so...Hawk-ish, though. As in, you use slang in the actual writing that comes from you. That's kind of a no...but I suppose it's okay for first person. I'm just not very used to it....

And as usual, your stories leave me sitting there and saying, wtf?

<(O.o)> You have baffled Kirby.

Anyway, I don't think your style would work well in third...so stick with first. Present or past is up to you.  

[UsakoTenshi]

I think the story itself, would sound best in frist. 3nodding

Once again, as always, it was humoring. And I hope to see more. Your writting always put me in a good mood.  

[BlackHawkGS]

KirbyVictorious

Kirby loved it. ^^ But it was a cruel, cruel joke to name the other person Alec. Shame on you.

@ Kirby: eek question Uhhh... what's wrong with the name Alec?

@ Usako Tenshi: It puts you in a good mood? Yay! One person down; another 8 billion to go.  

[UsakoTenshi]

Yesh, it does! ^-^ ANd gewd luck!  

[KirbyVictorious]

BlackHawkGS

KirbyVictorious

Kirby loved it. ^^ But it was a cruel, cruel joke to name the other person Alec. Shame on you.

@ Kirby: eek question Uhhh... what's wrong with the name Alec?

@ Usako Tenshi: It puts you in a good mood? Yay! One person down; another 8 billion to go.

evil  

[BlackHawkGS]

KirbyVictorious

BlackHawkGS

KirbyVictorious

Kirby loved it. ^^ But it was a cruel, cruel joke to name the other person Alec. Shame on you.

@ Kirby: eek question Uhhh... what's wrong with the name Alec?

@ Usako Tenshi: It puts you in a good mood? Yay! One person down; another 8 billion to go.

evil

... eh, I still don't get it.  

[KirbyVictorious]

BlackHawkGS

KirbyVictorious

BlackHawkGS

KirbyVictorious

Kirby loved it. ^^ But it was a cruel, cruel joke to name the other person Alec. Shame on you.

@ Kirby: eek question Uhhh... what's wrong with the name Alec?

@ Usako Tenshi: It puts you in a good mood? Yay! One person down; another 8 billion to go.

evil

... eh, I still don't get it.

Yes, well--if you add more, I can just pretend it's an x and not a c. But it
's still awful and mean of you.