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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 6:55 pm
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It's amazing, the lasting impact a few bad relationships can have on a life.
I thought I was over it, I thought I'd moved on.
Until I realized that my ability to trust was shattered. I've never been given any reason to trust the people close to me. Only reasons not to.
I think what affected me the most was the best friend. How could the person who knew me better than I knew myself just suddenly decide not to care about me anymore? If, after 4 years, she could just stop caring, why should anyone else be any different? Why should I believe that anyone will care about me forever? Sure, my parents, but they have to.
And even they don't help. Half the time I feel like they only care about me when I'm being the perfect child they want. They don't take an active role in my life, except to criticize me when I do wrongly.
And the boyfriends...ha. Yeah. 5 relationships, 5 times I've been dumped. Like I was nothing. Like I was worthless. Like I wasn't worth caring enough to dump me in a kind sort of way, no, she doesn't matter so let's just end it through AIM. Yeah. Real great. I should really trust that.
But he's never given me reason not to trust him...except that he's my boyfriend. And I keep thinking of all the others, wondering when this one will end the same way. It's inevitable. I've got a 100% rate going on this. 5 for 5. 5 times I put my trust into someone, 5 times I shouldn't have. Plus Alyssa. Which counts for like 10, becuase of the pain that one caused me.
But this one's different, right? He loves me. He says it all the time.
Yeah, but Alyssa loved me too. Perhaps not in the same way exactly, but love is love. And supposedly friendships are stronger than relationships. More permanent. You'll always have your friends even if he leaves you.
Yeah. Sure. Riiiiiight. Whatever you say. That's why I haven't had a real conversation with my "best friend" in a year. That's why she doesn't care if we neve see each other again after we graduate. That's why we're never going to open that bakery, or raise our kids together, or be maids of honor at each other's weddings. Things we had planned to do years ago. Before Ryan.
Another male who's caused problems in my life. The best friend's boyfriend who stole her from me. Becuase he is all she cares about. If she could leave me for someone else, why couldn't he?
...I have problems. Major problems.
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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:11 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 8:02 pm
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:24 pm
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:30 pm
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 7:10 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 2:08 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:49 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 2:30 pm
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*SUPEROOBERHUGGLEGLOMPAGE OFTHEWAFFLESSAMA*
~: :~ Questing 2 ~[I remember when we'd Stay up late and we'd talk all night in a dark room lit by the TV light. Through all the hard times in my life those nights kept me alive
I can relate to this on many levels. Perhaps not on the boyfriend thing, since my first bf is still my current bf. . .
But I understand being betrayed by your best friend. Mine sold out my deepest, darkest secret for 3 days of popularity. *shrug* I'm not even gonna go into the issue my group of friends is currently having, but. . .
Zahmen is right. You should invest your time and emotions into a positive outlet. Writing is a good one (one of my faves, in fact) but you should probably find something more physical. Running, biking, roller-blading, martial arts, etc. There are so many possibilities out there, you just have to find the one that's right for you.
The same thing goes for guys. I say think about what attracted you to the other guys in the first place. Then think about all the things they had in common and/or that made them jerks. Make sure the current guy doesn't have them. Also, you should tell him. Your bf has the right to know that you have trouble trusting people. Explain that you have nothing against him personally, but because of what others have done, he'll have to earn your trust and that you'll try to trust him because he's done nothing wrong. If he understands this and doesn't get mad about you not trusting him because of your experiences with others, then he can't be all that bad.
Listen to the radio play all night; didn't wanna go home to another fight. Through all the hard times in my life those nights kept me alive.]~
155/240k ~: :~
Chorus from Those Nights by Skillet
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 8:30 am
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