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Xahmen
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 10:31 pm
Why the boy did it again, why he turned from a Judas to a serpent.
So there he was, different place, different people; same alcohol, same sickness.

And there was this girl, she said she was a rabbit but she looked more like a mongoose. Cute, but deadly enough to kill a cobra. The boy was her old friend, friends since high school!

She never imposed, never questioned (not with her words anyways) didn't do what the other girl did (what was her name? Was it "Betty"?). No crotch grabbing, no whispered requests, just a simple game of truth or dare.

"I dare you..."

To what?
Live?
Love?
Cry for mercy?

"Kiss me."
Do a double take.

"You've been my friend for five years, Damien.
Kiss me."

Do it do it do it.
No.

Go as far far as you feel comfortable with me.
Kissing is okay between friends, right?.
So is groping.
Nibbling.
Passion, wait....

No.
Yes.

I was sober, she was sober.
Did I love her?
Nope.
Did I care anymore?
More than you can imagine.

Did it feel good?
Does a snake shed it's skin?  
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 10:54 pm
You're up late, aren't you? It's at least one here. xp

Anyway, I like how you jump from one question to another, both in your title and in your piece. It gives it an almost hasty feeling. Small grammar error, last line. "Its" doesn't have a comma when possessive.  

Voxxx


KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 4:29 pm
The kid is starting to get on my nerves.

Exxxxxcccelent writing! *applause*  
PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 5:47 pm
In the middle, is there suppose to be two 'far's? "Go as far far as you feel comfortable with me." Just didn't sound all that right in my opinion, but it could be intentional.

I lyke eet! Good display of what goes through someone's mind when in thrust into that position. I've been in somewhat similar situations before; just no alcohol. And they feel weird... a mixture of pleasure mixed with unbelievable nervousness. The outcome is going to feel wrong no matter what you do.

Style of writing is also as good as ever.  

BlackHawkGS


blu_sour_skittle

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 11:19 am
~:User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.:~
Questing 2

~[I remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night
in a dark room lit by the TV light.
Through all the hard times in my life
those nights kept me alive


<3

Pardon me while I internally "squee" myself to death.
... ... . .. .

Okay. . . .. . .. . . I think I'm okay enough to type now.
It's totally awesome. <3

I had to read it a second time to make sure I knew what text belongs to who so that I could understand the story. But that's probably just me, since I have to do that with a lot of stuff.

Listen to the radio play all night;
didn't wanna go home to another fight.
Through all the hard times in my life
those nights kept me alive.]~

157/240k
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Chorus from Those Nights by Skillet  
PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 1:55 pm
I agree, this is very good, but I'm a bit confused about the second paragraph. Maybe I'm just not familiar with your style or something, but are you meaning to make the main characters animals, or is that a metaphor?  

As the Flowers Are


Spastic waffles
Captain

PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 6:31 pm
Awesome disply of internal struggle.

I really liked it.

@Hawk: I like it with "far" twice...it's like he's stuttering...and if it's a typo I think you should leave it, Z. If it's not a typo than I applaud your style.
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 4:18 pm
I like it, but the Judas and serpent needs elaboration.  

Call_Me_Deb

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Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
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