First Chapter.

[Sors]

I'd like some critiques, if you please. Tell me if/where you get confused if you do.

“Callisto!” Up ahead on the thin rocky tail a young girl turned about.
“Yes?”
“Do you see the village yet?”
“No papa!”
The older man huffed his way up then hill and came to rest beside his young spry looking daughter. “That is most strange.”
“Look papa!” She said suddenly flinging out her little arm towards a large strange mound. At the very side of this mound was a strangely reflective object. “What is it papa?”
“I do not know. Come, we’ll go see.”
She smiled and then skipped ahead down the trail, leaving her older father far behind. “Come on!” She yelled back before hopping further down the almost invisible path.
Her father made his way carefully down after his daughter. He had a well worn face, and dark skin. He reached the bottom slowly, but with little problem and then moved over to where his daughter was tugging at the earth.
“What do you have there dear?”
“The shinny thing. Ah!” Suddenly she fell backwards as the rectangular object came free from the earth.
“Oh dear.” He said sitting down beside her.
“Whoa…” She smiled and placed the box on the earth between her legs. Her fingers traveling over the surface till they came to a small latch. Pulling it free she flung the strange box open.
The daughter and father gaped as they looked down at the twin golden blades inside the tattered box. Though the velvet surrounding them looked molded and the box hardly stayed together… The twin blades looked as though they had been smelted the day before.


I opened my eyes to see Thyone standing above my mat. “It’s happening.” He said softly, holding out his hand for me. I took it.
“So she’s been born?”
“Just a moment ago.” He replied as he started to hand me my armor. I clipped it on quickly and nervously.
“How soon will the demon come?” I asked.
“Hard to say. It’s never been recorded.”
“Oh well.” I clipped on the last pieces of armor to my legs and then adjusted a piece which felt off center around my neck.
Thyone turned for a moment, and then smiled at me. “You.” He paused and then placed his hands on my shoulders. “You may be young. You may be inexperienced… But you’re the one. We all know Sors is with you. Today is the day Callisto!”
I smiled back at him. “Today I’ll shine.” I said softly, he nodded and released me. Slowly I headed for the door.
In the small hall of the hotel I could hear the child’s cries now. Innocent, pure, holy; and exactly what Chaos abhorred.
I turned down the poorly lit hall and followed the sounds of the child. Not far behind me Thyone followed, watching me with those hopeful eyes of his. I entered the room of the woman, Sheia, and looked at the child she was tying to calm in her arms. I didn’t think she’d be able to considering how terribly she was crying.
All of the sudden she looked up at me and then tugged her child close against her chest. “Please. Please Callisto. Please save her, she’s all I have. Please.” She whimpered and then turned back to the child who still cried.
In the hall I heard a door slam. A man came running up to us a moment later looking terrified.
“T-the guards at the entrance to the city are dead! Whatever it is, it’s here!” He said shaking.
I nodded and bit my lip.
“Go out to the courtyard. Challenge this thing there. You need space to fight.” Said Thyone softly, he waved a hand at the woman who was clutching her child. She looked at him and then mopped up a few tears.
“I must come too?” She asked.
“Of course, you must stay near Callisto if she is to protect you.” He replied.
She nodded, and pulled herself up off the bed. “Yes.” She murmured.
“Be strong.” He said.
“Yes.”
“Lets go.” I said, and then walked down the hall and out into the main room of the hotel. Everyone followed expectantly. I wondered if maybe all I was doing was leading them to the slaughter.
The courtyard was circular with only one entrance and the high walls of the hotel surrounding it. In the center it had a small fountain surrounded by wilting plants. A pair of guards waved nervously at me from the courtyard entrance.
I waved back.
They were certainly going to die, just standing out there waiting for it.
I looked back inside the two open doors of the hotel. The mother silent now, her child quite as well. Thyone shrugged and walked out to meet me. “Now we wait.” He said.
“Have most of the villagers left?” I queried.
“Most, all that could be convinced at least. Some simply think we’re making it up.”
I laughed nervously, “Wouldn’t that be nice.”
“I’m sorry the Church choose not to send out the army.”
“I don’t blame them, it has been as aggressive towards them as it has the child.”
“True. I still feel the child is infinitely more important.”
I looked at the little girl in her mother’s arms, and then turned and walked over kneeling by her side. Her mother looked down at me and smiled.
“I’ll give my life to protect her, whatever I must.” I said, hoping to consul the young mother.
“I know.” Sheia whispered.
A yell from the entrance to the courtyard made me jump. I spun about and froze. At the entrance a man in a long black jacket, bright blond hair, and a shinning sword was slicing the second guard straight down the middle. He moved into the courtyard and watched us. Thyone stood froze just outside the door.
I moved out into the yard and pushed him back into the hotel.
“Who are you!?” I called, feeling my voice come out weakly. It was just a man, a guy, a human, attacking us? Perhaps it was a trick. I didn’t know.
He stopped. “Get out of the way kid.” He called out as he strolled across the courtyard.
“No!” I yelled back, and then reaching out before my chest I grasp the Twins. The two swords I’d found in that box at the shrine so long ago. They formed from the flesh of my chest and slowly I pulled there golden length from my body. Past and Future, the two swords which the Goddess of Fate had once been said to wield when she had fought to create our world.
He stopped only 15 feet from me now, a disgruntled look on his face.
“Who are you?” He asked.
“My name is Callisto!” I yelled feeling far more fearsome now with the blades in my hands. “I am destined to defeat the terror of Chaos!”
“I’m sure you are.” He suddenly laughed. “Right then lets go kid.”
“Yeah right.” I called back. “Your not a monster or a demon, you’re a swordsmen.”
I watched as he leveled the b*****d sword at me and grinned. “I don’t care who you think I am, I’m here for the kid.” His voice so cold, I felt a chill of fear run down my back, even though I knew better. The man certainly looked oddly insane, but there was no way he could be the monster. Yet, there would be no use in leaving him alive. Certainly no use if he attempted to help the monster that was to come. So I brought up my two blades and started to run.
Jumping into the air just a few feet before him I tried to make a decisive swing at his neck. His own large sword swung up and defended his face easily. I landed neatly to his right and began to engage him with the Twins. Slicing and jabbing only to find each attack neatly blocked by the man with such crystalline blue eyes. I faltered suddenly and felt his sword slide through my defenses and into a small weak point in my armor.
Finding that point and utilizing that instant of distraction… I backed off a bit, forcing the pain from my mind. This man might be insane, but he was a master swordsmen.
He grinned at me. I felt another shiver run over my skin.
How could he be so terrifying? Just a man, not a monster… Perhaps I was anxious about the monster to come?
I flicked Past into the air and twisted my left hand back feeling energy gathering there, and then I defined it. Changing energy into mass and mass into a fiery cloud which I thrust at the man. He side stepped it easily and then suddenly rushed me before my sword could fall back into my hand. The flat side of his sword contacted with Future, but his armored fist struck my head and I watched everything slide out of place.



Thanks a bunch!<3  

[KirbyVictorious]

SYNTAX AND PUNCTUATION AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!


There is confusion as to who Callisto is in the second bit.

Not quarried. Queried. And for the gods' sakes, just use asked. X,x

If the swords have individual names this should be mentioned.

Overall, interesting and a lovely way to begin a book, but a bit confusing and THE PUNCTUATION IS ABOUT TO AXEMURDER ME.

Needs practice, hun.  

[Sors]

KirbyVictorious

SYNTAX AND PUNCTUATION AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!


There is confusion as to who Callisto is in the second bit.

Not quarried. Queried. And for the gods' sakes, just use asked. X,x

If the swords have individual names this should be mentioned.

Overall, interesting and a lovely way to begin a book, but a bit confusing and THE PUNCTUATION IS ABOUT TO AXEMURDER ME.

Needs practice, hun.

Um, yes. Lots and lots of editing and practice.
I haven't been in an English class for about two years now. stressed I'll fix it, I swear.
Thanks for the input! <3  

[KirbyVictorious]

Kay.  

[Sors]

Sors

I've gone over it again, and done my best to clean and clarify. I bet I've still missed things though, I'm a terrible editor.

 

[KirbyVictorious]

Chica, sorry, but theere's only one way to really make it great: read a ton of books, come back to it., and rewrite it.

The same is true for all writers some time or another. It's not so bad; I've had to rewrite an entire novel before. Turned out pretty awesomely.  

[NovaKing]

KirbyVictorious

Chica, sorry, but theere's only one way to really make it great: read a ton of books, come back to it., and rewrite it.

The same is true for all writers some time or another. It's not so bad; I've had to rewrite an entire novel before. Turned out pretty awesomely.

Or you could be cynical on a few books and pull everything to anything about writing out of them.

The later might require more thining off of paper though (assuming that you think to yourself.)

Just a matter of prefferences, I suppose.  

[Sors]

Sors

It is true I haven't been reading very much as of late.
I shall go back to the drawling board with this. biggrin