A Stab at Contemporary

[Isianya]

While gathering together any traces of creative effort for my college entrance applications, I noticed that a lot of--many--okay, okay, all my stories have one theme, voice, and style. I know it's important to have a variety of styles and be able to write in more than one genre. So, I took a stab at a contemporary story.

Note: This is my first try so... be gentle. sweatdrop

____________________

The blood had been savagely splattered on the walls of the one-bedroom apartment since three o'clock that morning. Detectives Mallory and Camp of the New York Police Deparatment crossed under the yellow caution tape and stood in awe of the hideous scene. Jacob Mallory folded his arms against his chest and gave a long whistle. "Whadd'ya think, Camp?" he said.

"I think we have ourselves a serial killer," she said after running a hand through her long brown hair. She took a few steps toward the mass covered by a plain white sheet, bent down and threw the cloth back with one hand. Mallory turned away. "This is the fourth victim. All female - all with their faces hacked by this nut." She replaced the sheet and began to survey the apartment.

"It doesn't make any sense," he said after his stomach settled. "Victims' faces are mutilated to hide their identity. But -"

"But this apartment's filled with pictures, documents and all sorts of identification," she said, thumbing through the desk drawers. "The murderer didn't bother to remove so much as the driver's license. Look, it's still here. Right next to her keys." She tossed the flimsy piece of plastic to her partner after giving it a quick glance.

He studied the item carefully. "Sarah Conner," he cast a glance towards the corpse. "Age 19."

"Come on," she said flatly. "Let's get back to the station."  

[KirbyVictorious]

Ooh mutilated corpses! *poke*

Very very nicely done.  

[Isianya]

Thank you!

Yeah... I'm a huge Law and Order fan, so I guess that's where the whole crime scene came from. I thought it'd be easier my first try than to do some sappy teenage drama or angst-filled prose. I'll save that for a later try. Haha.  

[KirbyVictorious]

^^

Now remember, three critiques per post.  

[Isianya]

Alrighties. I'll get right on that. mrgreen  

[Reese_Roper]

Quote:

The blood had been savagely splattered on the walls of the one-bedroom apartment since three o'clock that morning. Detectives Mallory and Camp of the New York Police Deparatment crossed under the yellow caution tape and stood in awe of the hideous scene. Jacob Mallory folded his arms against his chest and gave a long whistle. "Whadd'ya think, Camp?" he said.

I don't know what it is. I really don't. But this paragraph just seemed weird to me. I don't know why. gonk


But I liked the rest of it. I hope you write lots more. surprised  

[Xahmen]

I think it's because traditionally people speaking start new paragraphs.
I totally see the Law and Order in the piece (big fan here too).  

[Reese_Roper]

That could be it. I dunno. Knowing me, it'll come to me during the first half of Jazz Choir or something when I have no way of writing it down and will forget by the time I can.


Which Law and Orders do you watch? 'Round here, we mostly watch SVU.  

[Xahmen]

Mostly CI and SVU.  

[Voxxx]

You're brilliant with dialogue. I can picture that in my head perfectly. The word choice in the first sentence threw me off a bit.  

[The Splendiferous Rufu]

I liked the imagery and setup in the first two paragraphs.
But yeah, the first paragraph seems.. odd.. to me. >>; Don't know why either. :GONK: Sorry.

And.. I don't ..disagree with Vox, per se, but I think the dialogue is old. Used. Like... clearly inspired by Law & Order. XD; I don't mean to be cruel - everything else seems original - but yeah. I totally get why, though; you need inspiration from some source if you want to try something new.

Other than the dialogue, though, I liked it. O: Whatever is this sneaky serial boy up to?