The Rising of a Dead Man's Chest

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

“This is the rising of a dead man’s chest…”

Quietly sipping my coffee, it comes to my attention that someone else has sat down at the table adjacent to me. My eyes never really leave the tome in front of me, yet peripherally I can make out basic details about this person. Young, dark hair, matching dark eyes make up the facial features of this intriguing fox.

I can tell that she is deep into her book, some fiction story by a young hotshot author who was just tasting his first bit of stardom. She seemed completely devoured by it, enthralled and engaged like I rarely saw the average idiot here. Night after night I enjoyed watching the sheep that came in here, always amazed by how simple they seemed. This one was different. I didn’t know how yet, but she was most certainly not a sheep.

“The loss that you gave me, Isn't rational for me to see, Resistance is futile, I stand here alone…”

 

[KirbyVictorious]

ooooooh. Intriguing. But there was an unclear bit:

She seemed completely devoured by it, enthralled and engaged like I rarely saw the average idiot here.  

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

I believed that to be explained by the sentance before it. The book she was reading...

where are the other comments? Tak Jak, come here!!!  

[KirbyVictorious]

Well, thanks.

I meant the structure was unclear; I didn't know exaclty what it was saying. Try rearranging it, perhaps?

I'm leaving now, i feel unloved. ):  

[BlackHawkGS]

Shoo, Kirby. Shoo.

Post more. This was too short to cut off where you did scream

But tis a good intro, nonetheless.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Jerkfish! I thought you were looking for Gaia lovers! crying  

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

Kirby you're posts have always been loved and appreciated. Tak's are as well. I look forward to reading both of yours every time I post something new.  

[Tak-Jak]

Well, I hardly do this anymore.. which is saddens me when I think about it. Anyways, lets get tot his.

Within the sentence Kirby pointed out, "She seemed completely devoured by it, enthralled and engaged like I rarely saw the average idiot here." I believe.. you are missing a word, only because the statement seems incoherent.. try adding.. "in" after "I rarely saw.." and before "..the average idiot."

It seems to make the whole sentence more clear.

What intrigued me was the metaphores of sheep. It is the same ideal as cattle, but then again.. not. Though the grammar seems a little strange in this line.. this is what I suggest.

"..watching the sheep that came in here,; always amazed by how simple they seemed."


And to be honest, the italic quotations, left me speechless. They added a whole new dimension, feel, like they stand alone.. but mean everything to the story that is to come.

Other then that, the writing is fantastic. You have always enthralled my senses with your vibrant and visual pleasing (and may I say, plausible, in my mind) words.

There you are Satanas. One comment from the infamous Tak-Jak. Sorry for making you wait.  

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

As always hun it is well worth the wait. I'll definitely take the changes into consideration... I think it does flow better the way you changed it.  

[Tak-Jak]

Yes, feel special. No one has recieved a full blown Tak-Jak comment like that in a very long time.  

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

I feel very privileged.  

[Tak-Jak]

3nodding Anything for you Satanas.  

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

Tak-Jak

3nodding Anything for you Satanas.

I'll have more soon. I've found a muse 3nodding  

[Tak-Jak]

Can't wait. But you can't expect much from me tonight..
And I will try my best throughout the week.  

[[ In Nomine Satanas ]]

Tak-Jak

Can't wait. But you can't expect much from me tonight..
And I will try my best throughout the week.

I work 8-6 doing construction every day. So that's why I don't write much now.