An Aging, Straightening Road

[The Splendiferous Rufu]

I’m in a car, a key in my hand. It’s not to the car, though.
There’s another car on the left. It’s spotted with dirt. It hasn’t been driven in a long, long time.
Is someone there?
The headrest is inches above my head. I dropped the key, so I pick it up.
Someone’s there.
The key is pretty. Old, and carved to show wings and the sky. There’s a thin rope for a handle. I hold it up so the rope untwists. I put my arm down.
Who’s there?
I’m getting out of the car. My feet are bare, and the gravel-dust under them rises with the fear in my throat. There’s a fence with a gate, framing the sun and guarding nothing but some prairie grasses. I don’t know if it’s worth going. My feet tense. I should go.
No. Look back at the other car.
It’s a girl. Her lips are pressed together and her eyes are big and round.
I step back. So does she. What? She can’t walk in a car’s passenger seat. I step sideways.
She’s gone. I step back, and the windshield stretches my reflection and it’s still the girl, but she’s different.
I grip my key. I swing my arm forward and the key flies, ripping through the thin breeze. Cracks erupt from the key’s point on the other car’s windshield and I can almost feel the texture of the bent glass, the paper-thin layers of sand and heat, and the whitened shards, broken and proud.
I turn around and start running.


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Review, please. What's unclear? What's your interpretation of it? Is the title good? Please, say whatever comes to mind. I'm submitting this to a show at my school and I'd like it to be the best I can make it.

<3RUFU

 

[KirbyVictorious]

Your syntax is rather confusing. Some of these sentences need to be phrased in clearer ways. But I liked the idea...what I cuold get out of it. Was the speaker inside or outside the car? Where was the ghost-thing?  

[The Splendiferous Rufu]

KirbyVictorious

Your syntax is rather confusing. Some of these sentences need to be phrased in clearer ways. But I liked the idea...what I cuold get out of it. Was the speaker inside or outside the car? Where was the ghost-thing?

Kay, thanks. And she starts inside the car and gets out halfway through. And the ghost-thing was a reflection of herself on the other car's windshield.

<3RUFU

 

[KirbyVictorious]

*nodnod* Sorta makes sense now. But I shouldn't have to ask, y'know? The impotrant thing about writing is that the reader needs to be able to visualize.  

[in the flicker.]

i like this style. it does need revision, but i like the choppiness of it.

for example, maybe try "There's another car to the left, spotted with dirt." or something.

I really like the stream of consciousness you've got here. it feels real and it has a real sense of suspense. I can see it, if that makes any difference.

I don't like the headrest part. try "string" instead of "rope", unless there's a reason you used "rope."

i don't like the "gravel dust" part. "the gravel-dust under them rises with the fear in my throat" makes it sound a little like you're suggesting the dust is actually rising up to the girl's throat, which is a little dramatic.

that's all i got. this has a real feeling of surrealness, and i like it.  

[The Splendiferous Rufu]

Thanks, and I agree. It is in a sort of early state, so I'm quite open to suggestions and possible revisions.
The girl is supposed to be somewhat young, and straddling the line of simple and clumsy word choice is proving difficult.
I used 'rope' because it has more of a twisting image, more likely to unravel - strings have a more static connotation, if it makes sense.

I'm also glad it's clearly surreal, as it's supposed to be. ******** of metaphors here.

Kirby: I'm not sure why it was unclear that she gets out of the car halfway, but I see your point on the reflection bit. Thanks.

<3RUFU