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Reply Writing: Prose
Years Ago...

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Sabure Musouka

PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 6:31 pm
this is more like a song than a poem, but the words kindda came to me, and no, it's not a true story.

Years Ago…


It seems like sixteen summers ago, we were so young and to the world we were unknown. Playing hide-and-seek in the tall, tall grass, stealing cherries, from the cherry tree, sipping lemonade, and counting all the clouds in the sky naming the stars in the midnight sky and we never had to say good bye...

It seems like fifteen summers ago, we were so young and to the world we were barley known, rolling in the tall, tall grass, stealing kisses beneath the cherry tree, sipping lemonade, and counting all the clouds in the sky, and naming the stars in the midnight sky, and the moon reflected in our eyes…

It seems like fourteen summers ago, we seemed so young, and to the world we were known, stealing kisses beneath the cherry tree, sipping champagne, too busy to count the clouds in the sky, or name the stars in the midnight sky, we never thought we’d have to say good bye…

It seems like thirteen summers ago, we felt so young, and to the world we were well known, stealing kisses in the tall, tall grass, the cherry tree forgotten at last, drinking champagne beneath the clouds in the sky, and the stars remained name less in the midnight sky…

It was just one summer ago, you seemed so young, but in this world it was your time to go, someone cut the tall, tall grass, the cherry tree was forgotten at last now no one counts the clouds in the sky, the nameless star still cling to the sky, the midnight moon continues to shine, but no longer is it reflected in your eyes…

It feels like a life time ago, that we were so young, and to the world we were barley known, playing games in the tall, tall grass, stealing cherries from the cherry tree, sipping lemonade and counting clouds and naming stars in the midnight sky, I can’t believe I have to say good bye…

It feels like a thousand years ago, we played in the grass, those sixteen summers ago, I have no one to hold my hand, the grass is dead, the tree dried out years ago, still in my soul I feel you close; I never was able to let you go…  
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 8:53 pm
crying crying THAT's SOOO SAD! crying crying

it's really good though. I wish I could stay a kid forever... (I still am a kid, but... xd )

good job  

Alayna_blind_angel


H20edDownAzn

PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:21 pm
I like the progression of time that you present. However, I was a little thrown by your counting. Did you mean to go from 16->15->14->13? Because instead you go from 16->15->16->14. Also, you have a spelling mistake in the line about one summer ago. You forgot the 'g' in longer.

I'm not sure how I feel about the second-to-last stanza. On the one hand it has some important imagery. On the other hand I feel that having a thousand years ago and then a lifetime ago weakens the impact of both and seems a little bit repetitive.

So yeah, that's my two cents. (oh and a song is still a poem, it's just a poem set to music or a musical rhythm)  
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 5:17 pm
H20edDownAzn

I like the progression of time that you present. However, I was a little thrown by your counting. Did you mean to go from 16->15->14->13? Because instead you go from 16->15->16->14. Also, you have a spelling mistake in the line about one summer ago. You forgot the 'g' in longer.

I'm not sure how I feel about the second-to-last stanza. On the one hand it has some important imagery. On the other hand I feel that having a thousand years ago and then a lifetime ago weakens the impact of both and seems a little bit repetitive.

So yeah, that's my two cents. (oh and a song is still a poem, it's just a poem set to music or a musical rhythm)


okay, thanks (poems don't repeat as much as songs do though, but yeah, your right), and i'll fix the clumsy errors...  

Sabure Musouka


Sabure Musouka

PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 5:22 pm
Alayna_blind_angel
crying crying THAT's SOOO SAD! crying crying

it's really good though. I wish I could stay a kid forever... (I still am a kid, but... xd )

good job

Thanks! and the same goes for me, on both the staying a kid, and still being a kid.  
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Writing: Prose

 
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