The Magical Unicorn of Oz (not really about unicorns!)

[medusa56]

Glad to see that you're interested in unicorn's, but I'm sorry. The Magical Unicorn of Oz is my cover up name for the book my friend Rachel and I are writing. So far I have one chapter typed, but being the lazy person I am, you can find it here. So, ya. comment on it in this forum. I'll update when I get a new chapter.

~Announcements~

February 16th- Forum open

February 16th- Chapter Two

February 16th-We have moved to a website! click the link to go there whee

Wow, is this fancy or what sweatdrop  

[H20edDownAzn]

Hmmm...I usually associate a fan fic with fictional characters so this was a little different for me. I suppose that you are the infamous Anna, then? Anyway, critique!

Even though this is just chapter one I still feel like it's too short. A lot of things are started but very little is described in any detail. I'm just a little confused about what exactly is happening I guess.

There were a few spelling mistakes and lack of capitalization, but not enough to really detract from the work. I just suggest you proof read or spell check.

The improbability of the meeting between Anna and Jonas is a little unbelievable. Not that Nick wouldn't fall for a girl, but the pure speed of the departure. When is he able to write down his information in order to slip it into the car? Why is Rachel in such a hurry? Maye you could save the meeting for a chapter of its own or at least go a bit more in depth?

The only other thing that I would recommend is more elaboration. A lack of descriptive language seems to be the most common problem with amateur writers, myself included.

Anyway, hope my comments give you something to consider. It's your choice as to whether you think I'm right or not, they're just opinions.  

[medusa56]

I'm glad someone read it, I noticed the spelling mistakes and I fixed most of them, and in chapter 2 (I'll probably combine thim in the final thing), Rachel wrote most of it. (Yes, she's real too.) So I'll post that in a minute.

Thanks for the critisism, I don't want my friends to read it yet (hence the unicorn)