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Beautifully Bitten

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MommiiDearest

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:56 pm
((This need critisized. This is the 1st chapter and part of the 2nd. It is still in rough draft form. So, re-ink it up!))

I hadn't always been like this, this way, this… Monstrous. I'd had a life with friends and a family! I hadn't asked for this either, who in their right mind would want eternal damnation? My new life was bestowed upon me without even asking me my name.
Now don't get me wrong, my life wasn't perfect. In fact, most would say I'm better off the way I am now, but no one knows the things I went through, the pain I felt, the people I lost, the life I had to give up, the life I had to learn to accept! The pain of the transformation was excruciating all in it's self.
How did it happen, you ask? Well, I'm sure people say that it happened that night at the wishing well, but I'm almost positive you'd agree with me that it happened the day I met Xavior.

******************

"Dance?" I repeated, confused. "Why do you want to dance with me?" I asked the dark haired boy standing in front of me.

Smiling he shrugged, "You are at a party you know, that entails a tad bit of dancing." He grabbed my hand and pulled me out onto the dance floor without any hesitation. We twirled around the floor, my aquamarine floor length dress swirling around me. I was at my best friend Savannah's 18th birthday party, which she had decided long ago would be a masquerade. I had my light red hair tumbling down my shoulders, pulled back loosely with a matching aqua Barrette, leaving tendrils of hair framing my face. Instead of a mask I wore green and purple glitter swirling designs around my right eye and down my cheek. The green set off my eyes perfectly, which where a blue-ish purple, but oddly more purple than blue.

"So…How do you know Savannah?" I asked, trying to make conversation as we moved to the music.

Chuckling softly his gray eyes glittered, "I don't." I looked up at him, noticing he wasn't much taller than my own 5 feet 5 inches.

"I don't get it, wasn't your name on the list?"

"Hun, I made the list." With this he bowed at the end of the song and disappeared through the crowd. I looked after him bemused, that must be the cousin she wanted me to meet, I thought reasonably. I walked away from the floor to try and find Savannah, having not seen her since the beginning of her party, two hours prior.
Spotting her bright pink Cinderella dress, I made a bee line towards her. Savannah was about the most amazing person I knew. She was funny, yet serious, outgoing, yet conservative, and we had been friends since kindergarten. She was my exact opposite but somehow we never fought and we always seemed to find a middle road on which we could both agree.
I stepped up behind Savannah and poked her in the sides.

Squealing, Savannah turned around, arm raised, to hit me. "Oh! If it was anyone but you Gwyn, I'd knocked they're heads off." Savannah gave a playful snarl and tweaked her tiara. "I can get this right," She whined, "Fix it for me??" Savannah pouted. I lead her to the bathroom and sat her in front of the mirror. Smoothing her hair back into her bun, I placed the tiara on her head and then smiling, I asked, "Better now?"

We walked from the girl's bathroom back into the main room. "I met your cousin!" I told Savannah. "A very lovely man, he is. Not to shabby looking either."

Savannah gave me a look of confusion. "What do you mean?? He called earlier and told me he couldn't make it." Just then as if having been summoned, the beautiful dark haired boy slipped from the crowd and stood in front of us. We looked at him and I felt Savannah tremble. "H-hello." She said to him.

"Hello, lovely party you have here." He shook hands with Savannah and introduced himself. "Xavior SinClair, I just moved here and thought I should make an appearance." Xavior turned his gray eyes to me and smiled, "And that is how I know Savannah."


Chapter 2

So that was the day I met Xavior SinClair. I remember the first time Xavior called me; I had made an utter fool of myself!

****************

The phone rang and, not recognizing the number, I assumed it was him calling. I answered the phone as calmly as I could with my heart thumping in my chest. "Hi!! Didn't think you'd be calling so soon!"

"How did you know I would be calling, dear?" Came the elderly voice of my Grandmother, Loretta.

Ugg, I was certain it was Xavior I pouted. "Hi Grandma, how have you been?" I asked, not answering her question. Now, my Grandmother was a wonderful person, if she was in a good mood. She had a tendency to be a little over bearing and sometimes she was very eccentric, but she was just like my mother, so I learned to deal.

"Oh, I've been exuberant lately, what about you?" Loretta asked me. I laughed; sometimes she was just too funny!!

"Do you have one of those 'word-of-the-day' calendars, Grandma? Haha, I've been just peachy, thanks for asking!" I smiled to myself as my Grandmother told me about her weekend and when she asked about mine I couldn't help but groan.

"What is it? What is wrong, dear?" She asked concerned.

Thinking quickly, not wanting to tell her about the awkwardness at Savannah's party, I threw out the first thing that came to mind. "I was… walking towards the door when I… fell asleep and lost my… dentures?" I told her uncertainly. Dentures?? Come on Gwyndollyn, you can do better than that! I scolded myself.

"Okay then dear, I'm going to let you go, tell Bob I said 'hi'!" Grandma Loretta said. After exchanging a few more words we hung up and I looked out the window. The sky was darkening and the last few wisps of pink finally faded away as I stared blankly.
I realized I was still clutching the phone. Setting it down on it's charger I sat down on the floor and laid my head back on the tan sectional sofa. I started to doze but was brought out of my ravine by the loud, shrill ring of the telephone. Groaning, I swiped the phone from it's hook and unwillingly answered.
"Yeah?"

"Well don't you sound happy to hear from me??" Xavior's smooth voice flowed from the receiver.

"I, nap… was taking one." I said hurriedly. Oh my goodness, what did I say? "I didn't think you'd be calling so soon." My voiced cracked embarrassingly.

"Oh, I see. Well, I wanted to know if you wanted to do something tonight, but if your to busy with a nap, taking one I mean, I understand." Xavior laughed and I felt like a moron. "I tried to call you earlier but the line was busy."

I nodded knowingly and then realized, dude, your on the phone! He can't hear your brains rattle! "Yeah, I was on the other line with my Grandmother." An awkward silence empended upon us. A minute passed and I couldn't take it anymore. "You want to go to the beach?"  
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:55 pm
Okay, I think I'm probably only nit-picking but here is all I can see wrong with it.

In the first paragraph you say "I hadn't asked for the either" but that doesn't make sense, so that bit needs sorting out.

Also, in the paragraph talking about what you were wearing, the description sounds a bit odd, like "my aquamarine floor length dress " also, when you say "Barret" I think your refering to those hair grip things, it is spelt "barrette". Yeah, I think that bit just needs sorting out, because it doesn't flow right.

Also, I don't think the bit about the height is necessary, you could easily say 'not much taller than me' and it would make it sound better.

When you're talking about the tiara, I think when you say "I can get this right," you mean "can't". Just pointing that out.

Plus, in the last two paragraphs, you use to instead of too (you're saying that she's too busy with her nap) and that Xavior should say 'busy taking a nap' because that makes more sense. Also, I think you use 'your' instead of 'you're' in the last paragraph and it's impended not empended.

That may look like a lot, but I was being quite critical, I think the idea is brilliant and I would really like to see how it plays out, so yeah.... Just make the descriptions flow better and try to make sure that you are using the right version of words and remember to check your spelling...

So yeah, other than those points, it's brilliant.  

XGamerRichy


MommiiDearest

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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:32 pm
Thanks.
I don't notice when I mix up words.
And about the nap part, it only sounds weird because Xavior is making fun of the way Gwyn said it.  
PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 10:15 am
Misery_Rose_SinClair
Thanks.
I don't notice when I mix up words.
And about the nap part, it only sounds weird because Xavior is making fun of the way Gwyn said it.

Don't worry, that's fine.  

XGamerRichy

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Writing: Prose

 
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