The Grieving Process

[[.Disposable Dweeb.]]

"Just as suddenly as we truly realized that he was not as happy as he let on, he was gone. I'll always miss him, until the day I die. Every moment that we shared seems so much more significant now than ever before.

To my baby boy, my heart and joy. Nobody will ever replace what you were and still are to me, nobody can ever replace the room you have in my heart."
I know it wasn't meant to sound the way it did but it still hurt. It hurt much more than anything she'd said before he passed and I imagined that it would hurt much more than anything else she could say to me after all this was over and forgotten.

Granted he was her first child, I was the middle child in the family. I'd given up on a need of her attention many years before. The worst part was that I felt selfish the whole time, I wanted their attention, I needed it much more than ever before.

"I'm not sure if my sons have anything to say about their brother, but I think it would be nice if they could say their goodbyes."

This took me by surprise, my mother seemed to expect me to have something ready. I'd told her I didn't want to speak, I hated funerals, they made me feel akward and yet, here I was, fifty pairs of eyes set solely on me.

I was fuming on the inside as I stood up and walked over to the microphone, my mother was standing beside me shooting me quick glances that implied that I'd have to be an idiot not to speak. After a deep breath a few mumbles came from my mouth. I realized that no one could understand me when I noticed questioning looks from nearly everyone. I was already embarassed enough as it was. I cleared my throat and tried a second time. "My brother" it was a start, I had no idea where I was going to go with it, I wasn't ready for this; I couldn't say anything. "...my brother was nothing less than my hero." I knew this already sounded corny, but I had to continue. "When he was home, he was always there for anything, to help with school work, with my social life. He taught me how to play sports and he encouraged me to do my best in everything I could... When he wasn't home, I knew that he was going to make responsible choices, I knew that he was a steady and unchanging factor in my life. I even believe that to this day, he will remain the unchanging factor, the anchor. I know that if there was anyone who I'd want to take after in my family it would be him."

As everyone began to leave I began to panic, I did not want to be left alone with my mother. I hated the idea of leaving little Zac alone, but I could not handle how I felt if they were around. It was a foggy night and there were occasional drops of rain every here an there, without thinking about it I snuck out into the dimly lit streets. The city was silent as I walked and nothing seemed to be able to take away my concentration of everything that I'd lost, which I was partially grateful for but at the same time, worried about how I'd carry on. The whole night seemed like a blur and before I knew it, it was one in the morning and I was standing in my lonesome at my front gate.

Walking inside quietly was no easy task, but I'd managed. I slipped past my mother, curled up on the couch asleep, a glass of wine on the coffee table. I knew that if her drinking was going to get worse, my home life would probably do the same. Zac was asleep in my room, he'd probably wanted to talk to me and assumed I'd be home earlier. Noah, my oldest brother, used to tell me his room was always open if I needed to talk. Now I just needed to be near him, or anything that reminded me of him.

Noah's door opened with a familliar creak and looked the same as ever. His bed still messy, his computer still running. Nothing had changed about the room except the designer was no longer at work. I took a seat on the bed and felt something sharp against my back. Pulling up the covers there was the family's old photo album from when we were just little children. Flipping the book open there were pictures of Zac as a baby, Noah's graduation, Zac's first day of school, nothing that I was ever really a part of.

Then I saw it, and everything strong and sophisticated that I had tried to be the past week just shattered into a million pieces. There in the centre of the page sat the picture of Noah and I from years ago, when he took me on our fishing trip. It was just he and I, this was my fondest memory of any time spent with family. I could see the corners of something tucked just behind the picture. A fresh piece of paper that I began to unfold which was adressed to me. I could already feel tears beginning to build up behind my eyes but I had to continue reading.

'Dear Vincent,

I know that you are probably already upset, and I know that you are more than likely to hate me for what I'm going to do, and I just want you to know, you have the right. I know what I'm thinking is messed up, but I can't help it, no medications work, no amount of counselling is taking this off my mind.

I hate to say it, but things are going to get even harder, I already know. Mom's not going to have time for you while she tries to pick herself back up. Zac is going to expect you to have all the answers and in all honesty, I don't even know what you are going to do. But this is a letter to help you realize that I am gone, I'm not going to be there to help you keep strong.

I'm sorry, but I don't have anything left to say.

I love you Vince,

Your brother, Noah.'

My mind was buzzing but my body could not move. The tears began to pour and all I could do was curl up and shake. I cried myself to sleep that night.



Author's note

This is not complete, but before I start second guessing myself I want to put it up so I will have to continue when the time feels right.

Thank you.  

[KirbyVictorious]

crying

last paragraph too long.