Their Grande Finale

[XGamerRichy]

Okay, I'm writing a story, and here it is! Well, the prologue anyway.(Feedback would be great!)

Prologue
The night was glowing with flames. A woman stood on top of a podium, her sapphire dress shimmered under the coloured light, her hair cascaded over her shoulders and the crown on her head shone like the sun. She spoke, her voice was soft and sweet, but it was ravaged by a sense of despair. She spoke with wisdom, and she spoke with confidence. Her voice radiated across the arena.

“Life wasn’t always like it is now, life used to be hard, and we lived in a world where everyone was scared of death. That was until someone came from death and gave us all life. That person saved us from oblivion, yet no one knows about him. Except me. I was there on that night, and now, I’m telling everybody the truth about the boy who saved us all.”

“Princess Rosalina, what happened?” a little girl in the crowd asked.

“Death is the fate of all things that enter this world. Death is unavoidable, and if you’re lucky, it’s quick and painless. Yet, those that live do not know what lies behind the doors of Death. Those who die see what is there, and they see the past, present and future at once, in another world, in another dimension. Those that die live in that world until a great portal lets them slumber until the ends of time. On the planet, which is called Grande Finale, the portal could only take those who were ready, and it rejected those that were not dead, yet it held a deadly secret.”

“Only one person would ever find out about this secret, and even then, that secret would never leave their lips as it would take that person down along with all those that slumber in its halls. That person was a boy of only sixteen when he died, but he was the only boy to be born and die on the planet of death. The only boy to find out the portal’s secret. The only boy to see the land of the living and the land of the dead. The only boy to know his destiny. The only boy to see what lies beyond eternal slumber.”

“That boy’s name was Akiyo.”

“What happened to him?” the little girl asked.

“That is what I’m about the explain child, those two years I spent with him will forever be engraved in my head. Forever, until the day I die, and I will never forget. I never want any of you to forget Akiyo. He was this planet’s saviour. Yet no one ever knew.” Rosalina said wisely, her voice echoed that of a lover’s plea, but the plea was lost in the wind.

Rosalina smiled, “He sang to me when we first met. He whisked me off my feet and sang to me. I’ll never forget that song…”

“What was it?”

She smiled and began to sing, “In this world, where life is strong. In this world, life’s an open book. In this world, where compromise does not exist. In this world of worlds every step meets the rest. In this world, where one is all. In this world, never fear the fall. In this world, where compromise does not exist. In this world of worlds every step meets the rest.”  

[Audini]

That was quite good! The description of the princess in the beginning was wonderful. The only thing that confused me a little bit was the whole death portal thing. I'm not sure I quite understand the concept. So, are there three world? One of the living, one of the dead, and one of eternal rest? And how can Akiyo be born in the land of the dead? Maybe this will get explained later on but I know it helps me if I know what people don't understand about what I've written.  

[XGamerRichy]

Audini

That was quite good! The description of the princess in the beginning was wonderful. The only thing that confused me a little bit was the whole death portal thing. I'm not sure I quite understand the concept. So, are there three world? One of the living, one of the dead, and one of eternal rest? And how can Akiyo be born in the land of the dead? Maybe this will get explained later on but I know it helps me if I know what people don't understand about what I've written.

Thanks. mrgreen Well, you're right with the three worlds thing, and the thing with Akiyo being born in the land of the dead is explained in Chapter 1.  

[XGamerRichy]

Chapter 1: Escape from Death

Akiyo looked at the door. It glowed in the dull light. His hand shook as it grabbed the handle. Pain seared through it. He winced the kind of wince you wince when you have to bear the pain and get through to what lies on the other end. Akiyo was getting out. The blackness of death was ruining his life. The darkness was suffocating him. He had to get out.
He yanked the door open with a roar, the pain being released in that single noise. The door flew open and light flooded into the bleak world. It was light that was bright, like that on a hot summer’s day where no clouds are in the sky. It cascaded across his body and he stepped through into the light.

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Akiyo had lived on Grande Finale for all of his life. He had never seen the true light of life, but the dull light of death. The brightest light he had ever seen was that of the portal.
His mother had gone though just after his birth with his father. The Death Planet is like no other. When spirits go to it, their bodies re-grow, every inch of them is replaced. Some of the residents of the planet do try for children, but only one pair ever succeeded. Akiyo’s parents. Then, the moment Akiyo was born, they went to the portal to sleep forever.
From that moment on, Akiyo was cared for by many parents. He learnt a lot from all of them, but the one who had taught him the most was a mysterious woman called Maya.
She was an enchantress, not a witch, or a sorceress, but a woman who leaked enchantment. She was graceful, peaceful and very extravagant. She looked after Akiyo for the last seven years he spent on the planet.
She taught him everything she knew. How to cast magic, how to fight with a sword, how to play music, how to dance, how to read and write, how to understand people, how to draw and many more things that she knew would set him in good stead when he left.
Yet, she never taught him how to love. She never even mentioned love to him. He grew up never knowing what love, care and nurture were. He grew up colder than he should have ever done and it was all because of Maya.

The moment the woman had stepped into his life, she had changed it. Nobody could tell how, but in time, that person would be the end of her. It would be all her fault. She was going to cause her own death. She knew that, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Yet she carried on with the task she knew she had to complete.
************************************************************

Akiyo looked at Maya, “Maya, can I leave this place now?” he muttered in a typical fourteen year old manner, “I am fed up of death. I want to see life!”
Maya looked across at him. He was still so young. His brown hair was messy. His eyes were bright with life but so sullen with the darkness of death. His smile was nearly non-existent. She had done that to him. “Yes…” she said bluntly, “You can go.”
Akiyo looked at her, his eyes seemed to pierce her soul, she looked at him with the same look, “Maya, can I go with your blessing?” Akiyo asked, “I know that everyone would frown upon me if I went without your blessing…”
Maya nodded, “You have my blessing Akiyo. Now go and live your life to the full. Ok?”
Akiyo grinned, it was the first time Maya had seen him smile, he grinned madly, “Thank you!” he said as he picked up his stuff and ran off to find a way to escape this hell hole.
******************************************************
Maya watched Akiyo go. A single tear fell down her cheek as she was swept off her feet and entered a purple portal. It was the portal. Maya went to sleep, waiting for the moment when she would awaken. When everyone would awaken. Death would never be the same…

*******************************************************
Akiyo spent weeks finding his way across the planet, there was only one possible place for an exit to be. The Temple of Life.
He journeyed across bleak dreary lakes. He crossed black sullen mountains. He flew past grey rotting grass, which seemed to have died the moment it touched the planet’s soil.
Bleakness was all he saw in those few weeks. Death and despair followed him every step of his journey and he hated it. It was the main reason he wanted to leave in the first place. The paleness of the planet had driven him crazy.
He drove forward with such vigour that he reached the only colourful place on the planet. The Temple of Life.
It was a magnificent sight. Every colour that ever entered the planet was used on its beauty. It wasn’t just grey and black, it was crimson, turquoise, pink, purple, blue, green and everything you could ever imagine. The stones rose high over the bleak landscape and shone light on the planet. The statues of the many gods and goddesses people believed in stood tall on the top of the domed roof in a golden circle. A great glass pillar stood in the middle; the dreary light shone through it and glistened out in the colours of the rainbow. The windows were pure stained glass, and they depicted the story of Terra in its entirety from its birth to its death.
Akiyo walked up the incredible fleet of steps, he bounded up them in sparkles of colour, his smile seemed to be getting bigger and bigger as fountains of colour flowed down on his shoulders.
He entered the building and saw what he could only describe as a dream. A big shining door stood in the centre. He entered the vast space and smiled as colour and light shone and glistened down onto him and the door.
The door seemed to be beckoning him, it seemed to say, “Open me and you will escape this horrid place.” Akiyo also noticed that it seemed to say, “I’ll come with you.” But, wood can’t talk so he dismissed the random messages the door seemed to be portraying.
Then, he grabbed the handle.
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Light attack him from all sides. It threatened to kill him it was that bright. Akiyo yelled as he ran forwards into the blinding light. He ran with his eyes closed and remarkably didn’t bump into anything. Not that there was anything to bump into apart from air.
He edged his hand along his back until he found his sword, he wanted to be prepared for what lay ahead, and a sword seemed like a good idea. He grasped the hilt and pulled it out. He could sense the magic in the metal, and he could sense the magic rushing through him.
He smiled and brought some of the magic into his eyes; he carefully opened his eyes and saw what he was running through. A tunnel of pure light. There was nothing in it apart from light and air, and it seemed to go on forever. He stopped where he was and turned around.
The door was there.
Akiyo ran a bit further and turned around.
The door was still there.
Akiyo looked at the door and then continued running away from it. He looked back and saw the door. It seemed to say, “I told you I’d come with you…” but Akiyo dismissed the talking wood idea again.
**********************************************************

It took hours for Akiyo to get to the end of the tunnel. He found another door. The door from the temple was still there too. It had followed him. Akiyo now thought that talking wood wasn’t such a stupid idea and walked through the new door.
Right into the middle of a wedding in a church.

“Who is this boy?!” someone yelled angrily.
Akiyo looked around like a cornered rabbit, and scuttled away into an alcove. He didn’t like his first impression of life. It seemed very angry.  

[XGamerRichy]

Please can somebody give me feedback on the prologue and chapter 1.... I really do want feedback, because if the style I've used so far is good then I'ma gonna need to redo chapter 2 and 3.....  

[Volatile Rainbow]

You have some run-on sentences, and some switching between past and present here and there. But your descriptions are great, and I think you should continue on in this vein. It's an interesting story so far.  

[XGamerRichy]

Volatile Rainbow

You have some run-on sentences, and some switching between past and present here and there. But your descriptions are great, and I think you should continue on in this vein. It's an interesting story so far.

Thank you for coming in and giving me feedback! mrgreen
Oh, and just wondering, what do you mean by run-on sentences?

To be honest with the tense thingy, I kinda flip through the past.... Since it's being told about 20 odd years later... So, yeah...