Lily, The Void Swallowed Us.

[Tak-Jak]

Lily,

The spaces between moments drag on in ways I could never imagine. And this coffee cup of mine is always being refilled. That chemical mixture that only makes the thoughts rush. Up and down. Left to right. I can’t keep track of myself.

They're putting me on medication again. I'm “no longer manageable.” It's supposed to make me focus. Focus. The one thing I’ve never been able to do. Not on one person, one thought, one moment. There are always one million thoughts within a moment. A rush of brain activity that has never happened upon a stop sign.

Lily, do you know what it’s like to experience something, only to have it instantly fade from your memory? To not retain a great deal of your life because you were never fully present for any of it? The static always got in the way. The background noise of a fully occupied mind leaked into everything.

I spent a year awake. Sleep came twice a week, but aside from that, I was always wide awake. I was not tired, I was infinite. They gave me these little white pills that made my body feel so very heavy. My eyelids felt like boulders suspended by frail threads. But the mind kept racing.

They performed a test on me. Stuck various wires to my head and flicked the lights on and off, over and over. I wanted to say, “this is it! This is what it feels like all day long! These wires are like all the thoughts I have in any given moment, and this quick flickering is how swiftly I go from one thought to the next.” But before the test began I had been told not to speak unless I felt dizzy, and so I remained silent. One cannot become dizzy if the current they operate on has not been altered.

Sleep did not come last night. Instead, I found myself staring at the ceiling, only to see it dissolve. Matter itself melted away, and only the field remained. Everywhere I looked, objects could not be seen, only the energy they are comprised of. A giant mass of vibrating energy. The universal pulse. This happens nightly but it never ceases to amaze me. Lily, have you seen the things I speak of? Or is this one of those things people don’t mention to others except in a whisper?

The spaces drag on until the moment dissolves. Falls back into that mass of memories that cannot be separated from one another. You decide what to hold on to, and what to let go of. And moment by moment, fragment by fragment, the past, the present, and the future, slowly fade into one timeless field.

Eventually, the static melts.


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Author's Comments

Lily is still out there, waiting, in the dirt.  

[KirbyVictorious]

I know how this feels. Only not quite so severe...to always be disconnected. Not fully present.

I don't know if Lily is a real person or not...but I wonder if she can understand too.  

[Chrysanthemum Moon]

First off, I want to say thank you to you, Tak.

Many of my friends call me brave and fearless because I stand up for my beliefs, even when they are against society's norm. Sometimes, I let myself be washed away in those delusions. But I know the truth. How can I be brave if I can't even face myself and see who I truly am? Everyone calls me the 'good kid' , the 'ideal child of every parent', but all that requires is a mask, a role played by me so I can have my so-called freedom once the scene is over. I don't even have the strength to write down my own feelings because I am afraid of the truth of my words.

And that's exactly what you wrote. So, arigato gozaimasu.

Now, secondly, stop being so modest! You're a awesome writer. blaugh heart domokun  

[Xahmen]

You ever notice that people always read more into literature than the author usually puts in?

I liked it, and like usual, I have no idea why you made it, nor can I make some bold statement about what I think it's about.

Anyways, write more, and keep it up.  

[BlackHawkGS]

Ah, but Zahmen, isn't that part of the point of literature? A form of art that let's your imagination mix with the original author's to create the image you see in your head?

... the part about the universal pulse really stuck out to me. Interesting stuff, Takky. Write more biggrin  

[Tak-Jak]

Everything in there has happened or is happening to me.
Usually I just use fragments from my life for writing, but that one was 100% me.
Sometimes we get tired of hiding behind metaphors; we just want to speak our truth, plain and simple.


Needless to say, things are a bit messy at the moment.
May is kind of a whirlwind month.
Far too much to do,
I try not to think about it.


"At last there is nothing left to say."
Except perhaps that sleep would be really grand.



There is no bravery in this... only a tired soul.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Don't really know what to say, except I sympathize ): *offers comfort*  

[Voxxx]

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

Miles to go before you sleep?  

[Xahmen]

That line was in Southland Tales.  

[Voxxx]

The poem's Frost. Never heard of Southland Tales. A book?