Trouble with friends,School, and cutting

[16 Prayers]

It's the last week of school here and hopefully I'll start going to a new school.

The people I was best friends with last year or at the begining of the year are the people I hate now. It's funny cause they don't really know it. My grades are terrible and I'm partly doing that on purpose to get away from them.
All year long my moms been telling me if I don't do well this year in school she'll send me to go live with my dad. And all year long I've been asking my mom if I could start going to a new school. Since that hasn't happened I'm purposly geting bad grades to go to my dads now.
My friends are part of the problem.

I used to trust my old best friend kelce with everything. Even cutting. We used to be really close but now we're just not. We get in constant fights and if I'm not being made fun of then I'm being ignored. I've tried to get close with other people and trust them but most of them can't take me seriously cause I'm usually an over-happy idiot around them.
It's not that they hate me its just I'll tell them something thats been bothering me they'll say "oh, I'm sorry" and then they'll try to goof off with me like I didn't tell them anything.

I was talking on the phone with one of my friends, Katherine about how I will probably moving to portland. I told her it was because of my grades and partly because of somthing else. I told her it was kelce always geting pissed off over little things. She asked me "If thats the problem then why are you still friends with her?" I told her it because when kelce hates someone she makes sure no one hangs around that person. And katherine said "Well if that happens then I'll forget kelce and still be friends with you."

The next day during lunch I asked Kelce "What do you think about me moving to my dads" she said "I think it's really shitty. You still have time so why don't you get your grades up so you can stay here?" I told her "Well I kinda want to move to my dads." She asked me why and I said "Cause I just hate things around here." And she asked me "What do you hate?" I said it was the way they treated me and made fun of me. Thats when Katherine jumped in and said "We make fun of everyone." and I said "Yeah, But you make fun of me the most." and thats when they both said "It's because your the easiest." I realized Katherine isn't going to be taking my side on this one. Kelce asked "Besides if we're such shitty friends then why are you friends with us?" I couldn't answer

The only reason why I got the guts to tell them that was because I was positive I was moving in with my dad. But a little later that day I got called to talk to the counciler about my grades. He said that I was SO close to passing.
So I thought to myself "So I got in a fight with my friends when I might actually stay?" I ended up apologizing to them.

Kelce, Michael, and me were walking around town talking when kelce had to go home so Michael walked me home. Michael is Kelces ex-boyfriend the had broken up a little while ago and the entire walk home Michael was talking about how much he still loved Kelce. I just stayed quiet and thought "Michael she's going to ******** murder you. She's got you wrapped around her finger and your gonna get ******** beat." All that I told michael was "Kelce tends to switch from person to person. Like in 5th grade Kelsey brown was her best friend, in 6th and 7th grade I was her best friend, and now Katherine is her best friend. You either don't exist to her now or she hates you." He just kept talking like I didn't tell him anything.

A few days later Kelce came to school bragging. She said "Oh god you should've seen Michael yesterday he came to my house saying 'Please give me another chance' and I told him him 'No michael I ******** hate you now your never geting another chance' He started crying and I just laughed at him."
This pissed me off but if I told her that she would just get mad at me. Instead I just said "You didn't have to be that mean to him." and she said "Yes I did. I hate him."
Later that day in class I thought to myself poor Michael. I felt Pissed off at kelce but I couldn't do anyting or it would lead to a fight. I wanted to let my anger out somehow so I went to the bathroom

The words "It's because your the easiest" Kinda stuck in my head. I'm the easiest in the group to make fun of. The easiest to take down. It seemed it was always two-against-one with me it was always Kelce and Katherine against me. It made me feel so small. So I took my razor and carved "EASY" into my leg. I'm in 8th grade now and I've been cutting since 6th but this is the first time I carved a word in myself. I cut on my legs because cuting on my arms would be to noticible.
Thats when I decided I should try to stop cutting by geting help becaus I had tried by myself so many time before but never really did. I went up to the councilers office. Told him I cut and he called my mom to tell her so hopefully I'll be geting help now.

Later that day I told Kelce about the cutting and she asked me why I still did it. I thought to myself I could either tell her its because I hate how cold she is and then she would get mad at me or tell her that I can't stop. So I told her that I can't stop and she said "You know Leah a lot of your friends have crappier lives then you do." I knew that. This was just my way of dealing with my problems. It was almost impossible to talk to anyone about how I feel about something so I turned to cutting. It helped to calm me down because I was taking my anger out on something. Or it helped me feel better if I did something wrong because it felt like I deserved to be hurt.

When I got home from school my mom told me "So you couldn't tell me about your cutting problem for yourself?" I told her the only reason why I told the school was because I knew they would tell you to get me some help. She said "Well I have to get you help now that the school knows." and that was it.

So here I am now typing about just to let out how I feel. Hopefully I will transfer schools so I can get away from Kelce.
I know people have a lot worse problems. But I just needed to let this out.  

[Hikaru Akumu]

Wow, sweetie.
That's all I can say right now.
But to get to the point, it's a transition most likely.
I've experienced a situation quite similar to this, but not at the same.

First off, I know exactly how it feels to purposefully drop your grades for some silly reason. And I suggest you not do it. Yes, You may still have to deal with the people you strongly dislike, but it's something that you'll have to overcome. Since the year is coming to a close, end it well enough that you're passing and break the ties with old friends that you've come to dislike.

Secondly, the people you 'hate' are the people you must overcome to move on in life. You can easily do what they do to you, like ignore them, dismiss them, or just not talk to them. If they ask you why, be blunt with them. You shouldn't have to lie so you can still be 'friends' with them. Remember, you're comfortability and happiness is more important than others. If you don't like how they are treating you, say something about it. If they pick on you, pick on them. Karma is a b***h, they should learn about it.

Next, the cutting thing, I sincerely do hope you get help. I used to, but I got over it. If you're mother is that inconsiderate of your feelings, then let her be. She is your mother, and she may act like she doesn't like you to you, but that does not mean that she doesn't want to help you. My mother told me that if I liked cutting so much, that I should keep doing it. My school called her, and she still didn't get me help. But I got over it because I knew I had to end it sooner or later or It might end up with me dead and someone hurt. Find an alternative, you shouldn't need medication unless it's necessary and if you do get a Counselor, talk to them. They are there to talk to you.

As well, don't listen to what people say about you. If they make fun of you, laugh at it because it is about you. You can easily turn those things into jokes and agree with an ironic sense of humor. It's like tripping or doing something embarrassing and laughing it off.

If you don't transfer schools, what do you plan on doing? You should face it head on. And if you are in the eighth grade now, you might end up not going to the same school as her if you go to High school, if you're high schools are like mine.

Really, sweetheart, you should face these kind of things head on. Because what doesn't break you or whatever obstacle you come up against, if you face forward and continue forward, it'll build up your character and make you feel better than ever once it's over with.  

[16 Prayers]

Okay so some things of changed since then.

A while ago my friends came over Kelce, Katherine, Marbella, and Ryan and we had planned to go out for a little bit. So we were just walking out the door when I whispered for Marbella and Ryan to run back and lock Kelce and Katherine out as a joke. So we did that and when we looked out the window Kelce and Katherine looked back, Ignored it and kept going. So we sat around for a while thinking that they would come back.

A little later we walked out to go look for them and found them sitting at a try near the park. Katherine seemed really hyper and happy but Kelce was pissed. So I apologized and offered for us to go out and get ice cream and that I would pay for it. She...Flipped me off. Katherine just said "C'mon it was just a joke we would probably do the same thing to them." but Kelce still didn't want to come. So Katherine stayed back with kelce and the rest of us left. Once we walked a little ways away Ryan said "God what a b***h."

Later that night I ended up calling Kelce and apologizing again and eventually we got into a conversation and she said that I act like someone I'm not. She said that I try to act depressed because I think it's cool. Which I don't if anything I act like a happy idiot most of the time. Or at least try to. And most of the time when Kelce does think I'm depressed I'm usually just tired. I usually have sudden burst of energy but then just crash.

The next day during lunch break I sat with Marbella and Got out my sharpies and just basically drew all over her hands and over my hands XP and Marbella said something out of random. I didn't bring up the subject or anything She said that she was getting a little more pissed at kelce and that she had purposley been trying to avoid her. I kinda just changed the subject cause I didn't want to think about Kelce.

Later that day in PE Kelce and Katherine were in a fight. No surprise. They get in fights a lot. It apperently had something to do with the day before after Me,Marbella, and Ryan had left. I didn't think it was a big deal and as usual I would stay with Katherine in the fight. This usually worked out for me because then Katherine can say things like "She's so ******** dramatic and its ok when she does something to you but when you do the same thing back its not alright." and I just sit there and say "I know."
Turned out this Fight was bigger then expected because Katherine ended up yelling and crying at kelce. And They've gotten in a lot of fights before. And I've know Katherine for about 3 or 4 years. and this is the first time I've seen her cry.

So I was pissed off about this beyond belief. I walked Katherine to her next class and gave her a hug. I was pissed off manly because Katherine is such a good friend to Kelce and now she's geting treated like this.
Word got around about this. I talked with Ryan a bit about it. He said that he likes everyone in our group of friends. Except Kelce. and I found out that Ryan also self injures to deal with certain things. I told him how I had purposely been trying to fail my classes just so I would get sent up to portland. He said "Yeah...I'd probably try to run away to if it wasn't for my friends."

So that weekend Marbella, Ryan, and Me all went to the mall. We ended up geting kicked out of a store for being to loud and I was really bored so I bought this toy axe and we played "terrorist tag." throughout the mall. It was pretty amazing. We were at the mall for about 5 hours. Its funny cause at first I said "You guys wanna see if kelce wants to come with us?" and both of them said "OH MY GOD NO!!" and I just thought "This feels ******** GREAT"

So Marbella spent the night and we went walking out around town the next and ran into Michael.(We live in a reaaaally small town. The biggest store here is Bi-Mart) So we went and sat on a bench and Michael just yelled at people who drove by like "BIG TRUCK, HUH!? THAT MEANS YOU HAVE A TINY p***s!!" and "Wow your so cool. Yeah. YOUR DRIVING A ******** FORD TAURUS!! No, seriosly, you are THE s**t around here!" Great times.

So FINAL day of school. Worked my a** off with A LOT of help from Marbella and now I've passed the 8th grade and heading into high school.
Things are geting a little better I guess.  

[Hikaru Akumu]

Seems like things are turning better for you.
And really, you should just not care about kelce anymore. It seems as though she doesn't care for you so you shouldn't care for her.
:] yay?  

[16 Prayers]

Hikaru Akumu

Seems like things are turning better for you.
And really, you should just not care about kelce anymore. It seems as though she doesn't care for you so you shouldn't care for her.
:] yay?

Yeah I've been trying to do that lately.
I'm becoming better friends with marbella and ryan. We hang out a lot but now it's summer break and Ryans gonna be at his dads all summer so it's just me and Marbella.