Untitled Work. Please, please read!

[5thmarauder]

Please read this and give me some feed back. Also if you have an idea for a title feel free to let me know. Please be as honest as possible. No sugar coating. Just cold hard fact. I wont be hurt if you think it sucks just let me know.

heart marauder  

[5thmarauder]

I sat in the corner of my small, dark cell staring at the opposite wall. It had been days, maybe weeks since I had seen the light of day. It was finally starting to get to me. The slimy, dark air, the stone cold walls, and the huge iron monstrosity of a door were starting to drag me into madness. It wasn’t like I thought it would be to go insane. I always pictured it the typical stereo type where you start hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t there, but it wasn’t like that. It was like slowly drowning. My mind buzzed at first, thinking nearly every second. I was panicked. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating.
As I stayed in my prison my mind slowly came to halt, and if I was still breathing I was completely unaware of it. I leaned my head back against the wall and sighed. The boredom was definitely getting to me. I probably should have gotten up and paced, or done something else to pass the time, but from the judge of how often I’d slept, I hadn’t been fed in two days and I couldn’t muster up the energy to get up and move. The silence of my cell was interrupted by the sickened churning of my empty stomach. Maybe it had been more than two days, it was impossible to tell stuck behind the same four windowless walls. I silently cursed at my stomach. I refused to satisfy my captors with the complaining, that included complaints that came from deprived internal organs. I sighed again as my stomach quieted bringing back dull silence. I almost managed to drift to sleep when a creaking noise came from the small square hatch in the bottom of my prison’s door.
A tray of food was pushed through and then the hatch was slammed. I scrambled to it on my hands and knees. It was a small bowl of soup, a bowl the same size of water, and a piece of bread. I tore into the bread with my teeth and swallowed it almost whole. It had definitely been more than two days. I tried to think back to how many times since I had eaten since they took me as I let the slimy vegetables slither down my throat. I remembered maybe one or two meals, but I also remembered being taken out and tortured. Each time my captor had had on different clothing. I could only assume it meant a new day. I shoved the thought from my mind. At least I had food now. All too soon the food was gone and my little water along with it. I pushed the tray away and crawled to the corner. I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head in my hands. Today was going to be a long day.
I sat there for what seemed like hours though I knew it was only a minutes. I looked up and shielded my eyes as blinding light fell across my face from a two inch gap in the door. “Are you alive in there?” A deep male voice asked from the door. “Constantine told me to come get you.” I nodded my head but kept my mouth shut. I refused to talk to them; they weren’t going to get any noise out of me. He opened the door and walked in. He grabbed my wrist and practically pulled me out of the door. I closed my eyes as the shock of the light hit them. He didn’t seem to care that my eyes needed to be recovered and dragged me down a long hallway. At the end of the hallway was a large oak door. He opened it and shoved me through. Then he closed the door behind me as I flew into the dark abyss of the room. I landed on my knees completely dazed, though I knew what was coming. I was no doubt in for another torture session.
I tried to stand up but the light came on, blinding me again. I fell to my knees once more and heard footsteps coming my way. I let my eyes recover and looked up to see Constantine staring down at me. “Well hello there my dark little flower.” His black eyes digging into me, “I have quite the surprise for you today.” I cringed away from him waiting for the pain to start, but it never came. He laughed at me with his maniacal laugh. “Did you seriously think I would torture you again?” he asked viciously, “You are getting quite full of yourself. No, I found a new, more entertaining toy.” I looked up at him with confusion in my eyes. He laughed again and waved to someone behind me. “Bring the boy forward please, Dylan.” I turned around and saw the man who had thrown me into the room dragging a teenager with soft red hair that was falling in his face. He was tall and gangly, and behind his hair I knew that there was a pale, kind face. He was Kyle, my super dreamy, and apparently super stupid, boyfriend. From the way James was dragging him he looked to be semi-unconscious.
“Kyle?” I whispered in disbelief. How could they have him? I had made sure he was no where to be found. I had kept him completely safe. His head snapped up as he heard my words, and my heart skipped a beat as I looked into the two beautiful jewel-like, emerald green eyes that I had been dreaming about for days. “Rosalie?” he whispered with a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god your ok, Rose. I looked everywhere and you weren’t with Anna. I knew you hadn’t left me. I knew you wouldn’t, not without giving me a reason. Kayla is such a liar. She told me that you had left and...” he broke off with a blood curdling scream and crumpled to the floor twitching. “NO! Kyle!” I yelled struggling as fast as I could to his side but I was stopped as Dylan pulled my arms behind my back. I pulled against him trying desperately to get to Kyle. “Stop it! STOP IT! Leave him alone!” I yelled frustrated tears forming at the corners of my eyes. “Please. I’ll tell you anything! Please stop, please!”
A small smile twitched at the corner of Constantine’s mouth as I begged hysterically. The screaming from Kyle stopped and I stopped struggling toward him. Dylan relaxed his grip on me but not enough to let me run to Kyle who still lay on the floor gasping for air. “Well Rosalie it is nice to hear that beautiful voice of yours.” Constantine said flashing a dazzling smile that didn’t make it to his eyes. “Here I was thinking I’d never get to hear it. Sounds like music. Now I know why Demetrius made us go to all this trouble to fetch you, other than the information of course.” I glared at him in response. I knew who Demetrius was. He was the one person I knew that was just like me. He was also the only man I knew who could find me without even breaking a sweat. He was an excellent tracker and I should have known he was the reason behind all of my torturing. Who else would have been so interested in what they were? All they had been asking about the entire time was the chest, that stupid chest. That chest was the sole reason I existed and it had plagued me since the start of my life. I was doomed to the Chest’s fate, and it to mine.  

[dragongirl187]

I really like it! A few of your sentences seem a bit choppy, but I love your descriptions and the plot so far. I want to read more of the story!  

[5thmarauder]

thanks for the imput. ill try to get more up as soon as i can!
heart marauder  

[penandpaper67]

Yes, more information would be very helpful. It is quite confusing without background information, but overall it is quite good. like dragongirl187 said, a lot of your sentences are choppy and you use awkward sentence constructions quite a bit. But I think you can fix that if you read through a couple more times. It's a little confusing with all of the names. I think you need to clearly introduce each character. And unless you're planning on one later, a description of Constantine might help the reader visualize the scene. And the beginning is a little bit slow. I think you only need one paragraph before the food is brought in, as opposed to two, but that's just me. But overall, it's pretty good. I would like to know what happens next!  

[5thmarauder]

penandpaper67

Yes, more information would be very helpful. It is quite confusing without background information, but overall it is quite good. like dragongirl187 said, a lot of your sentences are choppy and you use awkward sentence constructions quite a bit. But I think you can fix that if you read through a couple more times. It's a little confusing with all of the names. I think you need to clearly introduce each character. And unless you're planning on one later, a description of Constantine might help the reader visualize the scene. And the beginning is a little bit slow. I think you only need one paragraph before the food is brought in, as opposed to two, but that's just me. But overall, it's pretty good. I would like to know what happens next!

Thanks so much for your imput
I actualy end up describing how she gets there later on, the same with Constantine. I actualy went through and read it over and realized that I had one too many names there. Dylan actualy used to be called James and I believe that when I went through and changed all the James' to Dylan I missed one, so I understand were that would have been confusing.
thanks again for your help though. I'm definatly going to go back through and look at the sentences and try to change them. I'm planning on adding more to it soon.