The Coffee House

[Rad Disease]

"Well I've done a bit of an introduction. Its not complete yet as I haven't started with the main characters yet. But here it is." He said and handed her the piece of paper he had.

He smiled. It was something that he hadn’t done in years. The man that stood in front of him was scared. He was shaking as he approached the man he feared. The man stood before him, saying nothing. “You called me?” The fearsome man asked. The man looked as if he couldn’t speak. Finally, his mouth opened and words poured out. “Sir, subject group 001346, their powers are starting to wake.”
He looked out over the map. The map was lit up all over the world with small colored dots. Each red dot represented test subjects that hadn’t discovered their abilities. The yellow dots were test subjects whose abilities were on the verge of revealing themselves. The green were those who had stumbled on their abilities and had already been taken care of. There was a few green on the map, though red dominated. But there was only four yellow dots.
The man that had stood before him just a minute ago looked up at him. “Agent Ryan? What should we do?” Agent Ryan almost laughed. The ones that had given them the most trouble were coming around. He couldn’t wait to wring their necks with his bare hands. He jumped the rail onto the ‘platform’ where the computer workers did their thing.
“Send out the packages. I want them delivered by 0800. Prep the helicopter. We’re going to catch some mice.” Agent Ryan said as he pointed his finger at the yellow dots on the map. The group of computer workers stared at him blankly. Agent Ryan’s face became a mask of anger. “Am I talking to a bunch of cardboard cut outs? GO!” He shrieked.
The men at the computers finally started to move as they realized their life was on the line. The agent smirked. It was pure chaos. He looked back up at the map. “I’m coming for you vermin. You better be ready,” he said. Then left the room to get ready for his trip. This time, he wouldn’t fail in killing them.
 

[PandaEnlightenment]

She read through it slowly, nodding as her eyes moved across the page before she pointed to the first paragraph. "A well done introduction. Is this your first draft? Um, I have a suggestion, if you don't mind," Eliot said.

 

[Rad Disease]

"Uh, yeah. Its completely unedited right now." He said, then took another drink of his coffee. "You have a suggestion? What is it?"  

[PandaEnlightenment]

"Well, its just something small. In the first paragraph, you used the word 'man' five times, referring to two different people. That could be a bit confusing, but that's all, really. Good intro," she said again.

 

[Rad Disease]

"Hhhmmm....good point. Thank you. I'll have to change that." He said as he started to erase and rewrite. "Do you have anything else?"  

[PandaEnlightenment]

"Well, I can think of one other thing." Eliot pointed to the beginning of the second paragraph. "So here are the things I would suggest changing," she said, and began reading it out loud.

He looked out over the map. The map was lit up all over the world with small colored dots.
"Use use the word map twice here, right next to each other. I would suggegst combining these two sentences to something like 'He looked out over the map, and the small colored dots that lay scattered over its surface." She continued to read.
Each red dot represented test subjects that hadn’t discovered their abilities. The yellow dots were test subjects whose abilities were on the verge of revealing themselves. The green were those who had stumbled on their abilities and had already been taken care of.
"Okay. Here you have three sentences that are actually fine, but they all start the same way, and have exactly the same sentence structure, which is, for a lack of a better phrase, not the most exciting thing to read. I would suggest using dialog between your characters to reveal this information. And... that's pretty much it," she said, nodding. "Oh wait, one more thing. The second last sentence is a fragment. Easy to fix."

 

[Rad Disease]

Dogma scribbled some notes on the back of the paper. "Thanks, but what I meant was have you written anything else lately?" He said as he looked up and smiled at her.