This is astounding, not to sound odd, but you are what I could have become...
I was suffering approximately the same way in my younger years, but I moved to a different path. I learned to repress everything. As bad as that may sound, as long as my anger is in check I'm a fully functioning member of society. If you want my advice, I suggest you learn to repress your thoughts and memories as well. Feel free to PM me for techniques on how to repress your painful past and loneliness. I'm proud of you for communicating this on Gaia though, it must have taken some courage to post your past on the forums and leave yourself undefended like this. Which is a positive step towards recovery.
(some people may use the term suppress, bu I consider that only a temporary fix. To repress is to lock away your memories by mentally closing them off from your current frame of mind.)