[untitled]

[Voxxx]

Good start. A bit of refining to do, but I'm pretty sure Tak's given you a lot of advice. I'll come back and critique when I'm not "running for my life."

Best line of the whole damn thing:

She sighed. And I was daydreaming of rabies.

^ That was good.  

[moonkhist]

awww, thanks <3

and yes! xD that's one of my favorite lines I've ever written
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[Voxxx]

It was brilliant. GOOD teenage angst. And I love your avvi, btw.  

[Serenity Reed]

An avi with hair like yours wouldn't be allowed in my school.

Anyway, I've tried writing from two different perspectives and found it doesn't always work. However, it depends on the story itself as to whether it turns out good, so we'll see.

Don't try to put too much detail in one sentence. At most, try to keep it down to two words, without hyphenated words. Try to keep some balance.

Two hours seems way too unrealistic. Would anyone let their kid sleep in that long? Five minutes after my alarm goes off my mom comes in with a glass of cold water and ice cubes.

"She sighed. And I was daydreaming of rabies. " Agree. Great line.

Agree, it's far too short. Those are paragraphs, not chapters. I had that problem when I wrote like this too.

It's all a bit awkward; one can tell you're still a novice. Just more practice and you'll be fine. Rewrites are your friends. heart