Resident Evil Celebrity Roast!

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

I was watching Chris in his latest escapades the other day, talking to his new partner... What'sa matter Chris? Was Jill's booty not good enough for you? Or are you just a brother in disguise after that ghetto booty? Either way, I have to commend you, at least you're not a fairy in denial like Leon.

Ah Leon, you've been called gay so many times that everyone is starting to believe it... Including yourself! I saw how you kept eyeing Senator Ron Davis... I didn't know you were a chubby chaser too! However, you still give Hunnigan and Claire those same looks of 'Should I tap that, or not?'

Speaking of Claire, how's been life? You whoring out to the zombies pretty good? I mean, unlike Leon, you've faced nothing but zombies again, and again, and again... I'm starting to wonder what you do when enough zombies gang up on you? Or are you hoping for a Wesker miracle?

Wesker.... Wesker Wesker Wesker.... What is their to say? You ******** chinese a**, you can't keep your hands off of Chris, and you want to bone his sister... Oh yeah, and you have super powers, can't forget that. If you have super powers, why don't you break Chris' neck already? Hmm... Oh! It makes sense now! You don't kill Chris because you're a Dee Fee! Which is german for FAIRY! That would certainly explain why you hired Krauser when Ada was more than good enough...

Chris, so gungho, so macho, so..... Stupid. Seriously, Chris, what the ******** were you thinking? You took a knife into an obviously zombie infested mansion and thought you could win? .... Well, you did win, but only after Jill dropped her gun for you to pick back up. And I thought Jill was the master thief....

Jill.... Will you stop teasing us and show us your boobies already? 'Nuff said.  

[Biohazard EXTREME]

Haha.. Oh yes, Claire... That reminds me:

Claire! What.. The hell... Have you done... With your lip!? I thought Botox injections are supposed to make your lips fuller, not make you look like Val Kilmer in Batman Forever!
I used to like you, too, now you're so ugly even the Zombies don't get stiff for you!  

[Canas Renvall]

So basically, RE5 is a trainwreck. That's just common knowledge.

But anyone notice how all the good girls are getting ousted? Look at RE5 and Degeneration.

In RE5, mm, here comes some sweet mini-skirt action, Chris! Taaap thaaaaa-- NO. Sorry Jill, you have too many morals. Die. Hey, let's bring in this hot chick. She has a tan, so she's already better than that PMSing b***h of a ghost. And damn, if our home page is any indication... Sheva just may show Chris how well she can fire a gun.

And with Degeneration, Claire's ugly face signifies early on that, uh-oh, she's not getting screen time. People were so fed up with her being such a goody-two-shoes that they mugged her a** and sucker-punched her right in the face just before shooting the movie. Capcom took this to their advantage: "Hey, Claire, you look awful. Why don't you just... sit back for a while? We'll still pay, don't worry, we're just going to bring in someone more badass." Enter Angela.

While Claire is on her knees thanks to glass, she basically throws Leon an invite into her pants. "OH LEON, SAVE THE WORLD I'M SO WET" You'd think that Capcom would be more willing to let her back in on the action for being so naughty, right? 'Course not. Angela fired more bullets, so she obviously gets Leon to do the no-pants dance.

However, Leon will have none of it! First he can't have Ada, then he denies Ashley and Claire, and Angela. Goodness, Leon! You're really blowing your cover here. And that's not all you're blowing...  

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

We need Moar!!  

[karm_trebolo]

Resident Evil 5 isn't racist at all. How could it even be considered when the Left 4 Dead tank and Rihanna are running around Africa killing thousands of Africans and Mexicans? Oh, but it gets better. Once Jungle Jugs goes all natural, we're hoping the so-called "zombies" nosebleed long enough for us to go find some marijua- I mean, herbs. Oo, I hope we run into Kanye West (http://www.thekoalition.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/resident-evil-5-1.jpg), again so he can tell Bubble Boobies Italiano and Mr. Whiskers that we know about the cocaine. Maybe Whiskers will be upset enough to take off his snakeskin snuggie and tentacle rape Chris like Saddler did to his buddy Luis.

Speaking of Resident Evil 4, let's look into some similarities between it and Mario Bros. Krauser, hmm, sounds very similar to Bowser . They both just happened to steal a random blonde D-cup self-titled princesses and take them to castles. Krauser, the walking tumor, just more yarn that the mighty Whiskers has stuck in his claws. Ashley, the president's dog. I lost track of how many times Leon had to go fix his hair so he stuck Ashley in a box for a few hours. He whistles and she comes running "LLEEEEOOONN!!!" I don't get why she insists of always screaming so disgustingly loud, considering how huge her ears are. What's worse is that the cultists never found them when she screamed for her master. They were probably too busy listening to Justin Bieber secretly under the hoods of their robes to even notice. Frikkin' *****. Maybe Leon can hire Cesar Millan to teach Ashley a few things about behaving. If not, I'm sure poor Lisa Trevor would love a new pet.

Going back to good ol' RE 1, good times. Chris, go down that hallway with just this knife and nothing else by yourself while I wait with Jill in this very spacious room, where we could be doing anything. Sounds like a great idea, Mr. Whiskers! Thanks a bundle! 4laugh But in all seriousness, I don't know how a person could get any less intelligent than that. Unless of course you compare him to Ashley, but most dogs have the intelligence of a 4 year old, so she has him beat already. Meanwhile, Barry's waiting to spring the trap that will ensure his receiving of his precious Jill Sandwich, leaving Mr. I-should-be-DEADfield behind to follow the moaning sounds he hears, which turn out to be Lisa Trevor's cries of horniness for Chris.

That's my rant for the night *yawns*  

[Resident_Kyo]

i cant think of any topic that has lasted as long as "is RE5 racist".