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 Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 1:41 pm
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~~H-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s is a Warm Gun ~~
(Tell me what you think so far, it's going to be a story. Would you want to read more?)
If you aren't ready for the truth, I advise you to stop reading. This has the hard truth that no one wants to hear. It may make you angry,sad, or insane. Believe me, it's the truth.I used to be naive like you, reader. It seemed like I was always aware. You see, this isn't a story from the past or the future, it's happening right now. It's not anything unusual, you've lived with it your entire life. It's not a "conspiracy theory", to me it's proven. Your life, each and every part of it is being controlled. Reading this, well, it's the first step to breaking away from that.
What if I told you that everyone and everything around might be a part of something greater then you can imagine? Ever think that something was odd, even too odd to be real? Well, reader, you and I may have something in common.
My awakening started when I was hospitalized a few months ago. I was hospital for trying to end my life. When I was there I felt like, the staff was part of some kind of evil group against us.It was like they knew something I didn't know. They would have diagnosed me "paranoid", but I know better then that now.
Then I met her.If you are like me you are probably rolling eyes thinking "why does there always have to be a her or a him?". Luckily for you reader, I am a girl as well, a straight one at that. She gave me the same odd feeling the staff did. It was like they had brain washed her with all the medications they put her on. Her name was Vicky.
Silly me, I almost forgot. Awakening is the world the ones who have been "awakened" to the truth call when you see the truth, as the truth.
Vicky, it seemed like she knew something, but she was willing to tell us. Us, being the one who aren't part of the "guild". The guild would be everyone involved in this plot to control the Earth.
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 2:03 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 2:51 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 3:03 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 3:33 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:22 pm
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I enjoy the blackwoods-article style, it's not really fresh, but I don't see it very often. I will say I personally prefer an in medias res approach to novels, but that's just me. If you shortened up your first paragraph, and included just a little setting or plot, it would sound very similar to the intro of a Twilight Zone episode. Most conventions are against speaking directly to the reader, which I usually support, and support in this case also. In speaking directly to the reader, you immediately distance them from your story, so it becomes like a story, rather than the reader in the story, right there in the action.
Editing: Avoid using the same word to introduce every sentence, especially if they are adjacent - change an "It" or two, please?
The sentence "It seemed like I was always aware." is kinda random, and needs some explanation.
"The hard truth" is a bromide, which are (hopefully) avoided in writing.
"it's" should be changed to "It is", unless it is used as a character's thought or speech- contractions are a no-no in formal essays.
I'm not by any means a master of grammar, but I think that the second-to-last sentence ("Ever think that") is missing a subject, even if it is an implied one, because it just doesn't sound right. It's okay if that's a character speaking, though.
The style is different from mine, so i'll skip on that phase of editing.
Please fix your line breaks and tabbing? Also, you missed a space b/w angry and sad. Those things just bug me (sorry).
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:25 am
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:13 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 8:51 am
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 5:56 pm
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 8:41 am
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Trigger Warning If you aren't ready for the truth, I advise you to stop reading. This has the hard truth that no one wants to hear.
Good hook, but I agree with Priestess of Neptune, hard doesn't sound quite right... maybe pick a different adjective? (Personally I would change has to contains... but that's maybe more of a style thing..? Not sure... kinda new to this criticising thing)
Trigger Warning It may make you angry, sad, or insane. Believe me, it's the truth.
I feel like there should be a 'but' between insane and believe instead of a full stop.
Trigger Warning I used to be naive like you, reader. It seemed like I was always aware. You see, this isn't a story from the past or the future, it's happening right now.
Again, I agree with Priestess of Neptune and it seems like 'I was always aware...' is quite random. If I really wanted to keep it in there, I'd try to make the sentence more relevant by (for example) putting a comma instead of a full stop after 'like you, reader'.
Trigger Warning It's not anything unusual, you've lived with it your entire life. It's not a "conspiracy theory", to me it's proven. Your life, each and every part of it is being controlled. Reading this, well, it's the first step to breaking away from that.
I can understand how you may need to use "it" a lot since you're trying to keep whatever "it" is a mystery but I think it would flow a bit better if you changed "it" up a bit (no pun intended). More Hi*5's to Priestess of Neptune (Should I call you Neptune or what? It's getting a bit long to type now with the amount I'm agreeing with you and all..)
Also I feel like you make a profound, revealing sort of statement (in relation to "it") with "Your life, each and every part..." but then you go back to explaining the mystery with...
Trigger Warning What if I told you that everyone and everything around might be a part of something greater than you can imagine? Ever think that something was odd, even too odd to be real? Well, reader, you and I may have something in common.
...when you'd already sort of revealed it.
I would move this somewhere above the revealing statement with all the other teasing/mysterious statements.
Trigger Warning My awakening started when I was hospitalized a few months ago. I was hospital for trying to end my life. When I was there I felt like, the staff was part of some kind of evil group against us.It was like they knew something I didn't know. They would have diagnosed me "paranoid", but I know better then that now. Then I met her.If you are like me you are probably rolling eyes thinking "why does there always have to be a her or a him?". Luckily for you reader, I am a girl as well, a straight one at that. She gave me the same odd feeling the staff did. It was like they had brain washed her with all the medications they put her on. Her name was Vicky.
Just general grammatical and tense errors.. but otherwise still want to know what happens! I also love how you added the rolling of eyes about stories always having a romantic interest.. hehe.
Trigger Warning Silly me, I almost forgot. Awakening is the world the ones who have been "awakened" to the truth call when you see the truth, as the truth.
Just generally a sentence that's hard to follow, as in, may take the reader a few goes to understand it.. I think.
Trigger Warning Vicky, it seemed like she knew something, but she was willing to tell us. Us, being the one who aren't part of the "guild". The guild would be everyone involved in this plot to control the Earth.
Again, just general grammatical and tense errors.. otherwise all good.
Definitely an interesting premise. I totally get the kind of ambiance/atmosphere/style you're trying to achieve here. A little more structure and direction perhaps, but keep writing!!!
I hope that was constructive... but I guess it's all subjective at the end of the day. |
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:39 pm
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