A Magic-man of the Heart

[Priestess of Neptune]

Okay, so nobody has submitted anything new for a while. I'm submitting one of our SAT-prep deals from Creative Writing again, since it's already written and because I need a break from polar-coordinate systems. This was written in appx. 30 minutes, with minimal editing etc. to simulate an SAT essay, even though we would have no such freedom on the SAT. Anyway, the prompt for this is "Begin with 'Did you know...?'". Generally prompts are no fun (I might upload one of those un-fun ones, sometime), but this one was pretty good as far as a prompt goes, in my opinion. My title is kinda random, and is only funny if you know what I'm alluding to. Okay, it's not funny even if you know that. But I find it funny, and that's what matters. Feel free to criticize this to your 'heart's content'; I will probably change this more readily than some of my other stuff, due to its relative brevity.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

"Did you know that?" An august and elderly gentleman stood beside me as I waited for a trolley. His words had taken me by surprise, but confident in my ego, I 'played along'.

"No, nothing prepared me for such a realization! How strange that such a thing should not be false. I say, what other strange things do you know of?" I trailed off as a caustic northern wind swept the street of propaganda fliers, depositing them against walls, to flutter perpetually, yet with no displacement.

"Well, there is that case in our mutual friend attempted to withdraw from his ordeal two years ago. Do you remember? I know that I shall not forget, unto my last sleep even." He seemed preoccupied, and swayed with the wind, as if not entirely in control of his body. He saw everything at once, but did not comprehend in his apparent circumspection.

"Such an event that you speak of! I recall few of the details; I must have stricken them from my mind. But why would such be so cleanly removed from my memory as a string of fate is snipped? My mind warns of an approaching geas from the end of this trail which we peruse, so the suggestion of a different subject matter is drawn easily to the foreground of my thought." This matter of spontaneous conjuration began to wear upon my resolve, making chaff of what had previously seemed a finely collated self-proposition. A path of escape which I suddenly espied was deemed chivalrously exquisite for the task of extricating my self from his self. "What a fine mackintosh you bear! If I may be so presumptuous, from what locale does it originate?" As sharply as a lamppost falls in an earth-quiver, the gentleman's expression returned from its hiding place behind his features, presenting a bemused smirk.

"That is the first logical statement you have made this entire conversation! I had begun to think you were a madman, talking to one such as me as if you and I knew of each other before this present time!" The trolley chimed from around the corner, and then appeared with a puff of smoke, as if summoned as a familiar by the gentleman who had just vanished though its portal.

A chime, and the street is left silent, wondering what business a trolley had with its un-tracked cobbles.  

[Collote]

An august and elderly gentleman ----> An august, elderly gentleman. (?)

depositing them against walls, to flutter perpetually, yet with no displacement. <--- I think you should look that over... it's kind of confusing.

I recall few of the details; I must have stricken them from my mind. <--- I get it, but the reference to "them" is confusing. Do you mean that "I striked" most of the details, leaving a few left?

as if summoned as a familiar by the gentleman who had just vanished though its portal. <--- I feel like something is missing between 'summoned' and 'as'

Overall, it's good! biggrin  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Thanks for the suggestions!

august-- You are right on this one, but the rhythm doesn't sound as good without the 'and'. I think I'll change it though.

flutter-- I agree.

recall-- I see what you are saying, although "I striked" sounds kind of weird to me. (My spellchecker is highlighting it, too) I don't know if I will change my verb, although I will probably mess with the pronoun.

summoned-- no, nothing is missing grammatically, although that whole phrase is kinda awkward. I had trouble getting my thought into a nice, single flowing sentence. I might have to break down and make it two sentences. Oh well.  

[Collote]

Priestess of Neptune

Thanks for the suggestions!

august-- You are right on this one, but the rhythm doesn't sound as good without the 'and'. I think I'll change it though.

flutter-- I agree.

recall-- I see what you are saying, although "I striked" sounds kind of weird to me. (My spellchecker is highlighting it, too) I don't know if I will change my verb, although I will probably mess with the pronoun.

summoned-- no, nothing is missing grammatically, although that whole phrase is kinda awkward. I had trouble getting my thought into a nice, single flowing sentence. I might have to break down and make it two sentences. Oh well.

Okay, I get the 'summoned sentence' now... I just had to read it over.  

[serephemeral]

Wow. That was a bit of a swamp: lots of vocab words. Since it's for the SAT, I can see why they're in there, but I'm more of a fan of simple language myself. It's think, and the sheer density of the sentences started to trip me up a bit.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

If you need a nice list of vocab words, ask away: I finished my first run of the SAT last weekend, after six weeks of prep. Sorry about the sentence structure- I'm a fan of complex and compound-complex sentences. A few other people have complained about that, too. I don't know if I can change that, though- it's how I write, unless I'm doing poetry (I have some poetry here too, if you feel like checking it out).