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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 7:25 am
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:42 pm
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Your first paragraph (and many of the others) have multiple sentences beginning with the same word.
So why were they so mean to me.-- Question mark?
I tried to hide till it was over-- until
I didn't know what I did. I never knew what I did.-- The second sentence here sounds awkward, but I don't have any suggestions (sorry).
for a while. I was pregnant and the only-- perhaps you want to say 'became'? There is no mention of being pregnant until this point. You might also want to include a comma after pregnant.
I wasn't mean. I really wasn't.-- The qualifier weakens your argument. It's not necessary to remove it, but keep that in mind.
She even took me to the doctor to get help. The doctor said it was time for my babies. -- There is little transition between going to the doctor and his prognosis- I was caught off-guard a little bit.
I didn't want them to come in to life in this strange -- into. Even so, such wording is awkward.
With all the evil eyes and mean words.-- This is a dependent clause.
Again it was different. Soon they came-- What was different? I have no idea what you are referencing here.
I didn't know why but they took them-- Comma after why. Perhaps you want to let up on a few pronouns, too?
I don't know if I was sad--tense change.
Pretty soon I didn't feel so bad.--colloquialism.
Pretty soon I was healthier -- ditto.
After the babies were gone people kept coming-- comma after gone.
It was amazing how I could-- What are you referencing?
But all I ever had before was mommy and daddy.-- This sounds awkward- I suggest removing the 'but'.
Now there were so many. And so many others like me came in and out of the building too.-- What? Are you talking about people or dogs?
He took me out often and said nice things-- comma after often.
It didn't take much to tell that.-- Too many pronouns!
Pretty soon I didn't see the nice lady-- Colloquialism.
She had so much love to give.-- This is awkward, and in the wrong tense. Removing the qualifier will strengthen your argument.
appreciated everything she did for me.-- had done?
Soon the only real steady person who came-- the qualifier is wrong (should be 'very'), removing it will strengthen your argument.
I liked him and he seemed to-- comma after him.
And you know what.-- Don't talk directly to the reader; this should be a question.
George loved me so much that when -- comma after much.
Now George is my new daddy and you know what; I have never been happier.-- tense change (just make it a new paragraph). Remove the semi-colon, and don't talk directly to the reader.
My opinion: Okay, you said no flaming, which I assume means that you want us to tell you the truth. I'll start with a summary of edits to ease you into how I feel. You have started nearly every sentence with "I", and quite a few with "but". One (not two) sentences beginning with "but" would be okay, but you have at least three. Your apparent dislike of commas made me laugh- most people use too many commas, but you use too few. As a result of this, most of your sentences are simple, with very few compound or complex sentences. I don't think I encountered a single compound-complex sentence. Sentences were loose- I recall encountering any periodic sentences (that's not a bad thing). So here's the truth: I disliked this passage, for multiple reasons. 1: Sentences were short and choppy, with a single idea each, and some with no supporting details- the entire thing sounded like it was written by a second-grader. Such sentences are very hard to read, and cause your work to have no flow. 2: You did not 'show' us emotions, excluding the stabbing. Every single emotion was a 'tell'. 3: You used qualifiers and colloquialisms throughout the entire passage, whenever possible. 4: Almost every sentence started with "I". This also disrupts the flow of your passage, as such sentences may easily be compounded. Many other sentences began with "but"- great places to make complex sentences. In short, this was painfully hard to read. Yes, I am using a qualifier in denoting how I feel. I would not read the book this is from.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:37 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 5:31 pm
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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