A Madman's Excerpts

[Kelethor]

This is just something I add to occasionally for fun. This is not a serious piece of work, and while it is open for critique, it might be hard to given it's Journal/Diary format.

"Why am I here?" I had asked myself this many times now, wandering seemingly endlessly. I carried a tombstone on my back but for what purpose? Could it be my tombstone? Am I dead wandering for eternity? No it cannot possibly be. The tombstone is inscribed for 1920. How could I be dead if I'm not already born? Is it possible I have never existed in the first place? No, I must see the name of the dead man, the man who I am not, yet I carry the tombstone. Looking upon it I realize that indeed this isn't my tombstone, but the one of my grandfather. I cannot read the name clearly, yet I know it is him. Why though? Why do I carry this tombstone? And so I am brought back to my original question. One that I have no answer for. Why am I here? ~ A madman's excerpts #1



"Am I sane or truly a madman?" The question ran through my mind even as I looked back on previous thoughts. Thoughts that in truth, I couldn't understand myself. They were just random words, with no sequence constantly passing through my mind. Am I mad though? Does that justify my sanity, if any exists within my enclosed thoughts? Could I be sane just by knowing right now this very moment that I have the ability of rational thought, to question my sanity? Is that what makes a sane man? Are these thoughts running through my mind truly sane thoughts then? I suspect not, if they were I couldn't possibly question the rationality of my sanity. The questions running through my head are too many, too fast. They seem more distorted now, as if I can't recall them. Do these thoughts truly indicate either way my sanity? Am I sane or truly a madman? ~ A madman's excerpts #2



"Who am I?" I believe a man should know this answer without having to ask himself, yet do any of us truly know? I have dug into this many times now, each time though I seem to get farther from the answer. My name, my pure identity is lost to me know. Have I pondered this too long? Is it truly a hopeless cause? I sit here now at my desk, a man with no identity, no past, no present. Only my thoughts racing through my head, which seem to lead me nowhere. My mother, my father, any of my siblings, they are lost to me now. Lost in the eternal nothingness that has become who I am. If only I could remember my name! I sit here continually probing my inner thoughts, trying to find the answer. I must ask myself this again before I lose sight of the question. Who am I? ~ A madman's excerpts #3



"What does it mean to lose ones humanity?" I asked myself out loud even as I think it in my head. Does humanity define if you are human? If so I believe I contain neither humanity or a shred of a human in me. The images... oh the images. They flash through my head and yet I know they are my own actions. Will god save me? I know I believe in god, though I don't know why I believe or even when I started. Does that justify losing ones humanity? Falling from the lord? I think not, nor do I think it is justified by your actions. Even as I ramble on in my head, losing sight of my original purpose, I think that It is moreso something you are born with or without. No, that cannot be either, I constantly contradict myself sitting here, always leading me back to where I started. What does it mean to lose one's humanity? ~ A madman's excerpts #4



"Can a man's death justify the actions he has performed while in life?" I once again called upon my inner thoughts to answer the questions that seem unanswerable. If a man murders someone in his life, yet dies saving someone, does his last actions justify the previous? Can you truly redeem yourself, or crumble all you had accomplished in you life by your death? Can my own death determine, even reflect my actions in life? Why, how come I must deal with these questions? Oh dear, the images... so many.... so many horrible things dealt by my hand! If what I ponder is true than there is no hope for me. My death shall be as pathetic as my life, rotting, having my questions unanswered. This is not about me though, but rather about all mankind, how they live, and how they die. Do I have a right to ponder this question. To truly answer with my quickly slipping thoughts... Can a man's death justify the actions he has performed while in life? ~ A madman's excerpts #5

What does it mean to forgive?" Yet another question I must bring upon myself to answer. When one says "I forgive you" is it just for show? Can they truly forgive? Inside is that the last thing they're thinking in some excuse to move on? What is the point of it then? I once heard a man forgive me, but that hatred in his eyes... It was a lie, yes I know that, but to what end? What could one possibly be justifying by saying the words "I forgive you"? This question... I have sat here for what already seems like countless minutes... wasting away my time.. the time I fear might quickly be coming to an end... I fear I must stop for now. My thoughts... they are starting to grow distant again, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. I must ask yet again though, so I may look back apon this question another day and possibly find an answer. What does it mean to forgive? ~ A madman's excerpts #6

"What is it.... to love and to hate?" I have seen it as many times as the images that haunt me, men and women, alone on the streets. The bitterness of one's company could make even me shiver, but why is this so. I have seen, men, women, screaming and even near acts of violence, only to fall into each others arms once more, delaying the inevitable that will burst and consume them one day. I believe they both can be justified as a delay, a delay for what I cannot know, or even why this delay is set forth. My memory grows hazy even as the creatures that have begun stalking my room have grown clear but I believe I had loved once. I have seen scattered notes on a woman, though what became of her is unknown to me, for I am destined to sit here and wait for the monsters that are slowly becoming my life consume me. Though it remains unanswered I must stop once more, the pain in my head is relentless. Oh Lord, what is it to love and hate? ~ A madman's excerpts #7

“What of my name?” It is a simple question now that I think of it. Looking through this riddling journal of mine though, the answer, nor the question are stored on it's pages. A name, is it truly what defines oneself? I have not heard mine, not thought of mine in what now seems to be decades. It resides somewhere in the catacombs of my mind, but in which of the tombs it lurks I know not. This brings me back once more, I have questioned my sanity, my very humanity, without my name I fear I am truly lost. The last substance of what I once was, the monster that takes form in my nightmares is no more. Now my only anchor is my journal... And damn it to Hell! I... I cannot though. God has doomed me to be haunted by my past, and my now slipping sanity. Lucidity is fading again, even as the last shred of hope that I may be redeemed, whether by God's forgiveness, or the grace of clear thoughts fades away. I must ask myself once more before I lose the purpose of my ravings completely. What of it? What of my name? ~ A madman's excerpts #8



“What can change the nature of a man?” I once more find myself in one of my infrequent bouts of lucidity. I cannot remember much, but there are two things I do remember, and know. I know I rave in between journal entries, many of which seem like mad mumblings themselves. The other thing I know, is regret. I can no longer call upon the memories of these “monstrosities” I have written of previously. Perhaps... that is for the best though. I am in a tomb of stone... No, it is not a tomb, this is a prison. I have been locked in here. My only view of the outside world is beyond reach, a single square cut in the stone, well out of reach. God has graced me with a moon though. Which has begun to slip from view. How I came to be here I know not... I have tried searching my memory, but all I can come up with are what I have stated previously. This... regret is so strong I shake in emotional agony. I must truly be a monster, whatever it is I did. I also find myself afraid, this appears to be the most lucid I have been since starting this journal. As described before I feel this lucidity... slipping from me. I know I will be soon lost once more, with this agony gripping me all the while. So... What may change the nature of a man? It must surely be this regret.~ A madman's excerpts #9



Why? Why must I keep asking these damnable questions only to find no answer?! The thoughts found in here as well, ravings? Mad? Crazy? I am no such thing! The very thought of such doubts infuriates me! Can a crazy man write?! Convey his thoughts as clearly as I?! I think not! I will get out of this prison! If it is the last thing I do before rotting away I wi- ~ A madman's excerpts #10  

[Priestess of Neptune]

There's a bunch of these, and I'm running out of time today, so if you don't mind too much, I'll do some of these today, then the rest, and your other piece, soon (tomorrow or later, depending on my time constraints).

#1

I carried a tombstone on my back but-- comma after 'back'

Am I dead wandering for eternity?-- optional comma after 'dead'

No it cannot possibly be.--comma after 'no'.

yet I carry the tombstone.-- 'of whom' after 'yet'

Looking upon it I realize--optional comma after 'it'

but the one of my grandfather.-- this is awkward. The easiest way to fix it will be with a possessive grandfather, but that won't sound as good.

Why though?--optional comma after 'why'

#2

"Am I sane or truly a madman?" --optional comma after 'sane'

Thoughts that in truth--comma after 'that'. 'in truth' is a bromide.

couldn't understand myself-- The contraction clashes with your previous style. Consider expanding it.

with no sequence constantly passing--comma after 'sequence'

Am I mad though?--optional comma after 'mad'

My opinion: Okay, I'm tired, and still have a few things to wrap up before bed, so I'll stop here for today. More later.

EDIT:#3

I have dug into this many times now, each time though I seem to get farther from the answer.-- This sentence just sounds wrong. Comma after 'time', and 'though'. I suggest changing 'dug' to another word, something more fitting to the passage. You probably ought to insert 'yet' before 'each', and remove 'though. There are many ways to make this sound better; You may decide how you would like to fix it.

is lost to me know-- now?

I sit here now at my desk-- optional comma after 'now'. Very optional comma after 'here' if you use the other comma. I don't advise adding many more commas to this sentence, though.

Only my thoughts racing through my head, which seem to lead me nowhere.-- This is a fragment- you are missing a subject.

My mother, my father, any of my siblings, they are lost to me now.-- I suggest removing 'any of', as the qualifier weakens your argument.

Lost in the eternal nothingness that has become who I am.-- Nothingness has become you? Do you mean you have become nothingness?

I sit here continually probing my inner thoughts,-- This sentence sticks out when I read it. I'm not sure if it doesn't match the style, but it doesn't flow/match the rest of this piece. Maybe it's the sentence structure.

#4

mean to lose ones humanity?"-- 'ones' needs to be possessive.

I asked myself out loud even as I think it in my head.-- comma after 'loud'.

Does humanity define if you are human? -- This makes no sense. Remove 'if', and replace it with 'whether or not' or something equivalent.

If so I believe I contain neither humanity or a shred of a human in me.-- comma after 'so', and change 'or' to 'nor'. Also, 'a shred of a human' sounds awkward because of the proximity of two 'a''s, even if they are parallel. I suggest changing the first one to 'the', although that still won't sound as good as it could with a bit more fiddling, which I leave to your specific intent for this particular sentence.

They flash through my head and yet I-- optional comma after 'head'.

I don't know why I believe or even when I started.-- barely optional comma after 'believe'.

Does that justify losing ones humanity?-- 'ones' should be possessive.

Falling from the lord?-- What are you getting at in this sentence? I see no immediate connection to either of the adjacent sentences that suggests a reason for this.

Even as I ramble on in my-- you may optionally remove 'on', which will strengthen this sentence.

amble on in my head,--this is the third time you have used 'head'. The first two were okay, but I suggest changing this to 'mind' or something similar.

I think that It is moreso something you are born-- If you are really intent on using 'moreso', you need to move it before 'it is', and place commas around 'moreso'. And please de-capitalize 'it'.

something you are born with or without-- Optional: place 'either' before 'with, and add a comma after 'with'.

No, that cannot be either,-- this needs to be its own sentence, because the dependent clause after the independent clause following this independent clause does not match this independent clause. Got it?

constantly contradict myself sitting here-- I don't think you contradict yourself by sitting. Add a helping verb to 'sitting'.

always leading me back to where-- This sounds bad, and does not make grammatical sense. Try removing 'always', then using a synecdoche to talk about yourself, instead of using 'me'.

My opinion: Watch your comma use. Commas are very important in setting the rhythm, and consequently the tone, of your writing. These two entries tend toward rambling- I suggest either doing a bit of bowdlerizing, or including more imagery or argument to enhance or supplement what you already have. I have a Physics test tomorrow (Wed), so I might have time to do your large work on Wednesday, after school.  

[Kelethor]

Take your time. While I want Officially Dead to be criticized, I'm not in a huge hurry to get my ego bashed.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Don't worry about it. You'll be doing all the ego-bashing yourself, as you read my objective, honest editing advice and criticism (the same thing I have done above).

Today (Thurs) I'm at a track meet, so I might or might not have time after school on Friday. This weekend looks hectic too, but I'll see If I can find some time.

EDIT: There is lightning, so the meet has been canceled. Let me do some homework and studying, then we'll see if there is some time tonight to get through some more of these.  

[Kelethor]

Priestess of Neptune

Don't worry about it. You'll be doing all the ego-bashing yourself

Which is so much better than having my ego bashed by someone else.

Thanks though, for taking the time to sift through this.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

I thought you'd be pleased. *impish grin*

You're welcome. I just need to finish the laundry and my two poems for the week, then I'll get going on your stuff.  

[dragongirl187]

Besides the obvious (grammar errors, which Priestess of Neptune seems to have covered), this is really good! I like the writing's flow. It feels like it has a heartbeat. It borders on confusing at times, which works well for the subject. I really like how each entry leads up to the next. Great job!