Ghost Among Us Part 1

[Goddess Of The Impossible]

Intro:


The wind blew gusts so strong it nearly knocked me over. It had to be about twenty-five degrees, unusually cold for Halloween. Well it was long past Halloween, it had to be four or five in the morning. I pulled my jacket closer around me as I walked down the deserted street to my house. I still had three more blocks to walk so I stuffed my hands in my pockets thankful my mom had talked me out of the traditional hooker costume, complete with knee high heels and super mini skirt, and had instead sold me on low tight fitting jeans and a semi revealing halter top. I looked up to the sky, only five minutes ago it had been clear and perfect, able to count every star, but now there were clouds that looked some how darker then the sky and night. It sent a chill down my spine, but I shook my head. I'd had a weird feeling all day like something bad was going to happen, but nothing ever happened here. The crime rate was so minimal and it only consisted of a few guys loitering or boarding where they shouldn't be. It didn't help my subconscious mind that none of the street lamps were working, although it was close to Dawn so why would they be on?

This thought calmed my nerves ever so slightly, but enough to keep me from turning back or mad dash home. I started come upon my friend Sarah's elderly grandparents home. If I was really that scared I was sure they would be more then happy to let use their phone to call a ride or stay the night, after all Sarah and I were basically sisters. I thought about it for a second and decided I was just being absurd so I convinced myself not to stop. I kept my eyes forward as I passed by it, but a sound caught my ears. I froze. It came from the alley beside their house. I turned and looked in the sounds direction. I didn't see anything, not surprising. I just noted it off as a stray cat or dog, and in an extreme case a rat and continued on my way.

I rounded the corner not that far from the house when I had the sneaking suspicion I was being followed. I sped up just a bit, unable to keep myself calm anymore. My breathing picked up as did my heart rate. I passed another alley, more noise. My breathing sped up more as did my steps. I looked over my shoulder, I was right. There were three shadows walking not that far behind me. I panicked, faced forward again and sprinted. I wasn't that far from my house, just a little more then a block and a half. I could make it.

I looked over my shoulder again. The shadows were running and gaining up on me. I wasn't paying attention where I was running until I ran into someone. Who ever it was, he or she was strong and I bounced back a little. I looked up and saw it was a tall male. I couldn't see his face in the dark. He grabbed one of my arms and spun me around locking my hands together in one massive hand behind my back. Crap. I was done for.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Well it was long past Halloween-- comma after 'well'

it had to be four or five in the morning.-- this is an independent clause, so you need to either use a semi-colon, or make it a new sentence. I suggest a new sentence.

I still had three more blocks to walk so I stuffed-- comma after 'walk'.

my hands in my pockets thankful -- comma after 'pockets'

and had instead sold me on low tight fitting jeans-- change 'low' to 'low-rise', and add a comma after it, then hyphenate 'tight' and 'fitting'.

and a semi revealing halter top.-- hyphenate 'semi' and 'revealing'.

I looked up to the sky, only five minutes ago it had been clear and perfect, -- your independent clause needs another verb so as to incorporate the following dependent clause.

it had been clear and perfect, able to count every star-- the way this is written, 'it' can count the stars, instead of you. Just add a subject anywhere between 'perfect,' and 'able'.

that looked some how darker then the sky and night.-- 'somehow' is one word, and 'then' needs to be 'than'.

It sent a chill down my spine, but I shook my head. -- Wait... what sent a chill down your spine, and why would you shake your head to whatever it was?

I'd had a weird feeling all day like something bad was going to happen, but nothing ever happened here. -- comma after 'day'. Where is 'here'? Do you mean the town, the general vicinity of your character, what?

The crime rate was so minimal and it only consisted of a few guys loitering or boarding where they shouldn't be.-- remove 'so', add a comma after 'minimal', remove 'and it only', and change the tense of 'consisted'.

although it was close to Dawn so why would they be on?-- using 'although' as a transition does not work here. I'm at a loss to suggest anything, because your current sentence structure isn't very forgiving. De-capitalize 'dawn'. comma after 'dawn'. Note that street lamps are on even after dawn, so you might have to note how bright it is, otherwise the reader might be confused.

to keep me from turning back or mad dash home-- what are you trying to say here? This makes no sense.

I started come upon my friend-- ditto.

I was sure they would be more then happy to let use their phone to call a ride or stay the night, after all Sarah and I were basically sisters. -- okay, we are missing quite a few words in here, and a few commas. Add the missing words, then I'll do the commas.

I thought about it for a second and decided I was just being absurd so I convinced myself not to stop.-- comma after 'second' and 'absurd'.

I turned and looked in the sounds direction.-- 'sounds' needs to be possessive.

I didn't see anything, not surprising.-- change the comma to a dash.

I just noted it off -- what does this mean?

and in an extreme case a rat and continued on my way. -- comma after 'case'.

I rounded the corner not that far from the house-- comma after 'house'.

My breathing picked up as did my heart rate. -- comma after 'up'

I passed another alley, more noise.-- change the comma to a dash.

My breathing sped up more as did my steps. -- didn't you just say this? Re-phrase this, please.

I looked over my shoulder, I was right.-- change the comma to either a dash or a colon, depending on how long you want the pause to be.

I panicked, faced forward again and sprinted.-- comma after 'again'.

were running and gaining up on me-- 'gaining up'? remove 'up'.

I wasn't paying attention where I was running until I ran into someone. -- This sentence detracts from the action- I suggest merging it with the sentence immediately after it, and doing a little re-wording.

Who ever it was,-- 'whoever' is one word.

he or she was strong and I bounced back a little. -- comma after 'strong'.

I looked up and saw it was a tall male.-- comma after 'up'. Also, could we be a little more descriptive than 'tall male'? I have no idea what this person looks like based on that description alone.

He grabbed one of my arms and spun me around locking--comma after 'around'.

My opinion: First: what is this about, or for? Second: You have started nearly all of your sentences with 'I', or 'It'- variation in the first word of a sentence will help improve flow, and make your writing less choppy. Third: I don't think you wrote more than three sentences without a colloquialism. I did not edit them above, because I am not that mean to myself. Colloquialisms are very informal, and will make your writing seem mundane. Four: Your imagery is very general, and could apply to nearly any setting imaginable. Specifics will encourage the reader to create a mental image of your setting and characters, which will help them 'get into' your piece.