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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 4:14 am
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 11:16 am
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 11:54 am
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 8:14 pm
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 8:38 pm
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 10:49 pm
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 9:43 am
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I like the second one, your writing style is interesting. There's a couple things you could brush up on though. Dialogue is a hard thing to do without making it sound forced. All of the dialogue seemed good except for the first line.
Quote: “We are adding the drug into your body.”
It seems like you were trying for a euphemism, but I don't think 'adding' is a word anyone would use for that sentence.
Sometimes your writing is a little redundant, and you repeat things.
Quote: Steven had changed. He had the look of a crazed beast in his eyes. He’d changed.
Saying that he had changed twice just sounds repetitive. And sometimes the wording of your sentences come off as a little confusing.
Quote: Who… who is this creature? He smells… smells of… waste. Waste… waste must be… destroyed! This creature must ALSO BE DESTROYED!
The 'also' in the sentence doesn't make sense. But, all of these problems are small mistakes that are as easily fixed as a typo. So having someone read your work to notice things you might skip over would fix something like that. =) All in all, great work, keep it up.
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 3:06 am
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