The N-Pire (Prologue.)

[Orphie]

Hm... I dunno. It was difficult to follow and those grammar errors were a bit annoying. The who was doing what was unclear, and the characters were hard to follow. They seemed to blend.

Also, I think some of the dialogue was a bit choppy. They were just like, "Hey, yeah, this guy is dead. What are we gonna call this place?" There was no mourning or silence from the other people. Yeah, sure, they weren't supposed to let it get to them, but they just found one of their comrades dead. They're not gonna try to figure out a name right then and there.  

[One Way to Troll]

Orphie

Hm... I dunno. It was difficult to follow and those grammar errors were a bit annoying. The who was doing what was unclear, and the characters were hard to follow. They seemed to blend.

Also, I think some of the dialogue was a bit choppy. They were just like, "Hey, yeah, this guy is dead. What are we gonna call this place?" There was no mourning or silence from the other people. Yeah, sure, they weren't supposed to let it get to them, but they just found one of their comrades dead. They're not gonna try to figure out a name right then and there.

YOUR dialogue is choppy. YOU are hard to follow. YOU was no mourning or silence from other people.  

[Meta_Fish]

Le Chapeau

Meta_Fish

Le Chapeau

Meta_Fish

Le Chapeau

Stop being so ******** cynical D<

But it was. And he's just trying to get more attention by posting it again...

Or maybehe's trying to post it so it can be saved before he posts a new one?

Why doesn't have just have a file on his computer to save them? Or put them all in one post together so people could read all of the profiles in one place?

Well I don't know Fish, rather than being so critical, why don't you suggest things and be the big boy we all know you are?
xD

Aren't I? I just suggested two things in the post you just quoted. And I suggested that he actually write a story.

Furthermore proving my point, there is now ANOTHER thread just for profiles. You, Cheesio and Omega have formed a trifecta of attention-whoring. You have the first two posts in this thread. You really don't need to make another one about this.  

[Waynebrizzle]

Geez, you guys go way overboard with your critiquing. "Almost the entire city is intact" instead of "the entire city is almost intact"? REALLY Fish?

oh fine get rid of it and make me look crazy  

[Meta_Fish]

Alright, I erased my critiques. I admit I went overboard.  

[Waynebrizzle]

I agreed with you on some of them, but really I'd say his only REAL problems are the grammar and the tackiness. The tackiness is somewhat warranted though, since it's the very first chapter, and that's usually how beginnings are. He'll be good as long as he tones it down later.

But like Orphie saying it's hard to follow characters I think is untrue. I had no trouble at all, and it's not like he plans on writing the entire thing like that. Then that Fish mourned over a death while the other two only thought up a name only tells things about the characters. Whether that was intentional or not is beyond me though.

I dunno. I always just like to keep my critiques limited to things that are really real problems instead of personal opinions and gripes. I'm not the biggest fan of this story either, but I'm not going to just tear him apart. At least he's finally posting stories.  

[otawara]

>_>
I love you Wayne.  

[Nomega]

I'd say it's pretty good currently, although it's hard to really tell at this point.

My biggest gripe would be the "the man with blue hair said" stuff. It's a real ear sore to read that over and over. I think it might've been better if you had been more subtle and written in a way that was more vague to who was talking. I think it would've given the begging more mystique and have made more of a hook to find out who is who and more of what happened.  

[J of The Wind]

*Sits and waits patiently for the next installment*


3nodding  

[Super Cheesio]

Meta_Fish

Le Chapeau

Meta_Fish

Le Chapeau

Meta_Fish

Le Chapeau

Stop being so ******** cynical D<

But it was. And he's just trying to get more attention by posting it again...

Or maybehe's trying to post it so it can be saved before he posts a new one?

Why doesn't have just have a file on his computer to save them? Or put them all in one post together so people could read all of the profiles in one place?

Well I don't know Fish, rather than being so critical, why don't you suggest things and be the big boy we all know you are?
xD

Aren't I? I just suggested two things in the post you just quoted. And I suggested that he actually write a story.

Furthermore proving my point, there is now ANOTHER thread just for profiles. You, Cheesio and Omega have formed a trifecta of attention-whoring. You have the first two posts in this thread. You really don't need to make another one about this.

Haven't I improved recently? I even let the CheesiOmega Dojo die...  

[otawara]

'Kay guys, a new chapter is gonna come up soon. If ever you get the urge to see the Prologue, it's in my Journal. The chapters will also be sent there as well.  

[Super Cheesio]

Hey Oaty, I've made a logo for the N-Pire, do you want me to do some art showing the mods as well? If yes, then you need to tell me what they should look like. Oh, and I also need to know what the N-pire or whatever the main base is called looks like.