Of strength and tears

[Skias onar]

She wants to cry. She wants to scream. She wants to break something, to hurt someone. She needs to. She needs some kind of release from all those feelings that are building up inside of her. If not, she fears she’ll choke in them. Pleadingly, she turns her face towards the weeping night sky, as if begging a non-existing god for mercy and relief. But relief does not come, neither does mercy. Raindrops trickle down her face. When she is soaking wet, she finally stops staring at the angry clouds and walks away. Because she has to move on. She has to deal with it and go on. After all, she is a strong woman.



People are staring at him as he walks by them. “His eye… did you see his eye?”. He doesn’t mind the stares or the whispers any more. It’s been almost a year now. His eye… It was quite painful when he lost his eye – or, should we say, when his eye was taken from him. Yet he remembers he didn’t cry. At one point, he recalls, he had asked his doctor whether that eye of his – the remains, anyway, of what used to be his eye – would ever cry again. The answer of course was “no”. After all, the wound had been cauterised. You can never be certain, though, unless you try. At least, that’s what he thinks. He also thinks that he might try tonight. He’s been strong up until now. He hasn’t cried. Tonight, he’ll be alone again for the first time. So maybe it’s okay to let himself cry a bit. Nobody will be there to see him, so it’s not a sign of weakness. Is it?

 

[Priestess of Neptune]

I hope you do not mind if I presume to make a few editing suggestions for grammar?

--"she fears she’ll choke in them." - I like your use of 'in', although it should be "on" (yes, American is a ridiculous language).

--"But relief does not come, neither does mercy." - There are two options here, depending on how you would like this to sound. "neither" may be changed to "nor", or instead you could change the comma to a semi-colon, and ignore that "neither does mercy" is a clause fragment (this is less orthodox, but artistically it makes sense).

-- "she finally stops staring at the angry clouds and walks away." - There is an optional comma between "clouds" and "and", depending on how you would like this to flow.

--"Because she has to move on." - This is a sentence fragment, but in-context it matches the rest of the piece.

--"She has to deal with it and go on." - There is an optional comma between "it" and "and", depending on how you would like this to flow.

-- "It’s been almost a year now." - Changing "It's" to "It has" will strengthen this sentence.

--"or, should we say," - This P.O.V. does not match the rest of the piece, and is distracting.

--"The answer of course was “no”." - Optional commas around "of course" depending on how you would like this to flow.

-- "You can never be certain, though, unless you try." - This is also a different P.O.V. than the rest of the piece, and detracts from the reading.

My opinion: I enjoy your third-person P.O.V. - this adds immeasurably to the emotion of the piece, and 'draws the reader in'. The ambiguity created by the brevity of the two paragraphs also adds to the atmosphere positively. Also, your juxtaposition of the two stories within a single piece increases awareness of your message. Even though sentence structure and fluidity are not polished, the amount of atmosphere and emotion generated by this is significant - I am not sure whether or not you ought to polish it any more, or if you do, please keep this edition as its own, separate entity.  

[Skias onar]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read it, and for the editing suggestions! I'm not used to writing in English, so this was very helpful. 3nodding  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Yes, I noticed that on your Deviantart account. No problem.