A fight for a story I'm working on

[Kyrie-Otaku]

http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=29490099&u=18932801

This is a "Fight Scene" I guess you could call it, from a story that I'm working on. I'm wondering if it any good.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

I'm on a time limit right now, so I won't do any editing, but I will say that if you read this to yourself, you will notice some misspellings, grammatical mistakes, and a few places where you have illogical statements, or statements that appear to be made by a person who you did not intend to have say them.

I will note an important logical fallacy, that must be revised:

John says: "“Tell me, did you have fun killing those solders? They had live too, and who knows maybe even family.”", but earlier, he had said

"“You can come if you want, but your life is not my problem.”"

in order to have round characters, they ought to have consistent personalities, until some significant change that might happen, after a few hundred pages.

After reading the entire passage, I must ask: are you a halfway decent cartoonist? This is much more fitting as an anime than as an essay. After fixing spelling, grammar, and logic, this would be fine for literature, though.  

[Kyrie-Otaku]

Priestess of Neptune

I'm on a time limit right now, so I won't do any editing, but I will say that if you read this to yourself, you will notice some misspellings, grammatical mistakes, and a few places where you have illogical statements, or statements that appear to be made by a person who you did not intend to have say them.

I will note an important logical fallacy, that must be revised:

John says: "“Tell me, did you have fun killing those solders? They had live too, and who knows maybe even family.”", but earlier, he had said

"“You can come if you want, but your life is not my problem.”"

in order to have round characters, they ought to have consistent personalities, until some significant change that might happen, after a few hundred pages.

After reading the entire passage, I must ask: are you a halfway decent cartoonist? This is much more fitting as an anime than as an essay. After fixing spelling, grammar, and logic, this would be fine for literature, though.

Thank you for the comment, But I guess I should explain.
When John ask Xai about the solders, it's not because he cares. He's just trying to get inside her head.
As for being a cartoonist, I am planing on having one of my friends make this a manga  

[Priestess of Neptune]

That makes more sense. If that is what you are trying to do, then perhaps you ought to include more thoughts amongst the action, eg. more of what the characters are thinking and feeling. I realize that you have done this in some places, but those few places in which you have done so are that much more blatant, because they are (currently) unique.

I thought so.  

[lakita_phoenix]

I also recommend more thought. Fight scenes are the hardest cause it's supposed to be a climax but you have to detail and proportion it according to the plot.
You have to look at both sides of the fight, not just the hero or main character.

It takes practice.
I'm not even that good at it yet. sweatdrop

 

[Kyrie-Otaku]

lakita_phoenix

I also recommend more thought. Fight scenes are the hardest cause it's supposed to be a climax but you have to detail and proportion it according to the plot.
You have to look at both sides of the fight, not just the hero or main character.

It takes practice.
I'm not even that good at it yet. sweatdrop

Actually neither of these characters are main characters and both of them have the own secret agenda.
I'm going to reread chapter one to remove as many typos as I can and also fix some grammar problems then I'll post it.
If you were interested in the fight and you want to see what Chapter one is like, you can tell me if it's interesting or not.  

[Kyrie-Otaku]

I fixed up the fight a little bit better. Less typos and a little bit more detail
I also Posted the First chapter of the story that this fight belongs to.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

The first chapter seems lengthy. I'll see if I have time to peruse it tonight - no promises.