I NEED OPINIONS!

[foxy-kitty-meow]

I'm writning a story. The first one that I will finish, that isn't for English Class, and I was wondering if you guys could give me feed back.

It's a vampire/werewolf kinda story. A lot of mixed themes and all kinds of personalities.

I realized that my ain villain was kinda stupid and couldn't come up with what he's done...So, I deided to throw in a major plot twist. I decided that the mastr mind behind the events in my story would be Karl Haunshoffer. For those of you who don't know much about WW2, he helped Hitler get his alliance with Russia and Japan and gave Hitler the idea of the Arian race...So, I thought that he could be the leader of the Arian race and, obviously, be my villain.

Opinions please...I explain other aspects of my story if you ask...  

[Priestess of Neptune]

It will be easier for you to post a bit of what you have so far, so that we may examine how these ideas actually influence your story - you could just as easily write a story with a 'stupid' main villain, as you could with a more intelligent or easily disliked one, so long as you write it correctly.

I would ask more questions, but I don't have enough info to ask educated ones with. Perhaps you could describe the setting, what genre this is, and explain what vampires and the second world-war have in common?

Please include the modern spelling of "aryans"; you might also want to do a bit of research before potentially including historically inaccurate details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aryan

The more information you can give us, the more we can help you.

EDIT: I'm moving this to the Ideas Center, as it is a more fitting topic there.  

[foxy-kitty-meow]

I'm way too far to post all of my story, even what I've typed. It's almost sixty pages on word and I'm not even close to were I stopped physically writing and switched to typing...

Well, the main character, Jacky, was kidnapped as a young child and abandoned in the mountains. She was rescued by three people. A priest, a swordsmen and a military leader. The three of the are from different world. It's kinda like the golden compass's idea of multiple worlds but its easier to travel between them and, of the known ones, they aren't to much differnt from ours. The raised her with her adopted family, the Shimigamis, in the first part of my book is a war between the two main ampie clans. She looks like a teenager and young adult during the series.

In the second part, were I start my foreshadowing, she's kidnapped again cause she doesn't want her friends to get hurt. She over hears a conversation between her kidnapper and an unknown, but very old, man. I wanted him to be my main villian and very smart because for centuries he was trying to bring down major powers of the known worlds from behind the scenes. Yet most have no idea he's around because he, more or less, hides behind Dabura. Dabura is what appears to be in controll of his clan but, and I try to make it not very obvious, he can't lead it on his own.

In the fourth part, skipping the thrid cause it doesn't have much to do with this, I'm trying to made Dabura seem more angry so my villian, Haunshoffer, will slowly but surely come into veiw as the master mind. Only I'm not that far yet...I'm trying to type it up and edit it a bit so people can detect the foreshadowing a little bit more...


I wanted to use someone that was somewhat known of in that era of history because Yasha, a werewolf that loved Jacky's aunt, was a Japanese fighter pilot. Also Haunshoffer stood out becuase he was a great stratigist but few know about him. I've only known about him for about two years but his, almost uncanny, ability to blend in kinda stood out.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

What you have outlined seems to be feasible. What specifically did you want help with?  

[foxy-kitty-meow]

I just wanted to hear other people's opinions. About four people, including myself, are contributing ideas. I got Yasha from one, obsidain bullets from another and discusssing with the other. So, I just wanted to hear from some new ears because I thought that maybe the aryan race might be too much...but I've been emailing and asking people for their opinions to see if it was. It appears most think its a good idea.

So, opinions are usefull...as long as people don't yell at me...


I would like to know some good baby names, though...Two different people are haveing twins...  

[aryagirl-007]

Interesting plot. Definitely has some potential but when you're going the vampire/werewolf part, do something totally new. Vampires and werewolves have been overdone so much that i've given up hope for a decent story with them in it.

Another tip: DO RESEARCH! You probably have, and i totally commend you for it, but if you haven't, then do it. Trust me, it'll save you a lot of head ache.

I like your idea and would definitely like to see it in writing.  

[foxy-kitty-meow]

There's two different things I've done with the vamp werewolf combo.

Two of my werewoles are practically members of Jacky's family now. Yasha, were I'm curently writing, has a daughter that he had with Jacky's aunt. the other has a crush on someone.

The other way is my villian combo. Dabura is apart of a werewolf clan allied with Haunshoffer, who's a vamp.

I have done reasurch at my local library. this american at war thing on what was going on behinf the facade of the Nazis...I also reasurched the aryans a bit  

[sezuko]

The plot I find is very good. Its very different I'll give you that. It twists and turns and I find that it should be very interesting. I love the ideas you have the story once finished will be amazing. At least thats what I think. I dont think I see anywhere I could make an opinion for you to improve because it seems already great. I love how you added supernatural stuff, with history its so interesting! Two of my favourite things.  

[foxy-kitty-meow]

Thanks heart , I thought that'd be unexpected and fun to play with but I wasn't sure because I live in a very small town that isn't into the books I like. So, it's kinda hard to get good feed back.