Personal Projects and Creation Myth

[Hybrid Defect]

I created a planet called Thea. It sat between Mars and Earth but was destroyed during an ancient war. I have it like this because Thea and Mars (who were an extremely conservative hive race) had a relationship from being two civilized neighbors that don't meet until Thea gets into space (second) to make first contact. Mars and Thea were allies who fought an ancient war against another superpower of the time. This ends with a lifeless solar system with the exception of Earth and it's simple life.
When I used to write stories about Earth and Martian colonies, I had some archaeologists and terraformers discover some clues about the Martians who lived there back in the day.
Anyway, I decided to dedicate all my efforts into Thea and have different projects that take place during different times and places of it's history. I have a map and have been expanding the story of the planet from those projects. I have a series in the Arena that takes place during their dark ages which lasted into their industrial age. One of the characters makes reference to a religious text that I have been writing random passages for.
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I cleaned up a creation myth that I wrote a while ago. It still needs some work. Comments are welcome. Let me know what you guys think.

In those days we were in touch with the Primordial Spirits. There was Thea, the cradle of souls, soil and rock, water and air. Where there was void and particle and no life, Thea sat in the void and pulled with all her might until the void became filled with rock, air and water. With water, Thea cut the land and pounded it to make it whole and draped it with a cloak of air. With her feet, Thea stomped the oceans and with her hands, she dug the valleys and piled the hills. Pleased with her creation she entered the world and swam around the void.
Thea swam until she found a proper place to make nest in a reef of stars and there she waited until a traveler named Sol carried a torch that was bright and warm. Thea went to Sol and placed herself near his path for warmth. When Sol was near, Thea had the light to see her world and called it Day and when Sol was away Thea called this Night and rested.
The world was empty and only the air and the waters moved. The ground did not move unless moved by the waters or by the air or by Thea in her boredom. When Sol went away and the world went dark, Thea rested. As Sol returned Thea stretched out her arms one last time and scattered seeds and soil and breathed life into the world. As Thea labored, an island with companions traveled near Thea. This island spoke only once and said "My companions light up the sky at night but they are too heavy for me and I must travel far."
Thea decided "I will receive two of your companions." So Thea took the two most troublesome companions and said to them "You may travel as you will to keep my night skies lit while Sol carries his torch away." Thea worked through the night and created all living plants and things great and small that flew the skies and walked and crawled the ground and swam in the waters.
The land and sea were ruled by giants exotic and strange and the world was hot.
Thea said "There is life rich and diverse but there is no room to grow." and went far from the path of Sol where she struck the world with her fist and killed the giants that walked the land and swam in the sea. Thea waited in cold and darkness and was saddened by her act.
In darkness, Thea saw the ones that still lived and was pleased. "You will receive my gift. I will not interfere with your life as I have and leave it to you who will make council. I will rest inside the world where I leave you to do my will." Thea gave to these survivors her power and wisdom and traveled along the path of Sol once more. Thus the Primordial Spirits came to be.
In the time of the Primordial Spirits the animals great and small thrived. They saw the changes of Thea's mood and called them seasons. They saw the seasons move them close and far from the path of Sol and called them years. In the trees and the swarms and the animals great and small, those that fly in the skies and those that dwell in the sea, hunter and grazer, Thea gave wisdom and power to fulfill her labors.

The Primordial Spirits made council in a temple without form of rock and tree. In council were the spirits of life diverse from Thea. The pack hunters and the solitary hunters. The grazers and the foragers. Parasites and scavengers. Birds and fish. The swarms and the plants. For many ages, they talked and discussed and grew in wisdom age and power. The plants held council with Thea and grew in wisdom but their power and wisdom was not absolute for there were things hidden from all the world that only Thea knew.

The world had shaken off it's ice and life covered the world again. The pack hunters saw a creation that did not look like any other animal. The serpents sitting in the sun and saw this awkward creation run from view. Birds that surveyed the land saw this creation and flew back to the temple of rock and tree. The birds perched and asked the serpents, "Have you seen the beings that hide from my view?" The serpents who was closest with the swarms said to the birds."I have seen them. The trees and the swarms hear their whispers. If we all listen, we can hear Thea speak 'These Humans are my workers in whom I have given my inheritance." The horses spoke on behalf of the grazers "Humans are hunters. Thea has doomed us as they will become great and devour the world." Then, for the first time, the trees spoke "They will enslave and hunt and devour the world. But Thea has spoken and they will inherit the world. Do not lose heart for we may prod and whip them for their actions that they may learn.”
The Primordial Spirits knew much about the will of Thea but in this even they did not understand. The age of the Leviathan was fast approaching.  

[Kasi Karra]

Grammar (since I'm so bad at this, this section is small)
I just noticed that ocassionaly when you list things, you forget the commas.
Many of your sentences are fairly long and in some cases it's okay, but in others they just kind of run on and on.
Third sentence last paragraph, the beginning either has too many words or is missing a word.


In my opinion this sounds a little more like a short story then it does a myth. Most myths that I can think of have a little bit of an ending, but they don't hint at what's to come. If this was like the introduction to your book I think it would be great, but if it's just a myth you refer back to like ancient text I'd say don't include the last sentence.

I'm a little confused as to what the swarms are. I noticed that the animals were divided into different groups, but I was a little confused about them from time to time. But if you're going to have this be part of a greater story, I'm sure you'll explain all of that stuff in greater detail.

You said that Thea gave the survivors her power and wisdom. Can you explain a little more who the survivors were? Now that I'm looking back on it, it looks like those are the animals, but on the first read I thought that there were giants she hadn't killed.  

[Hybrid Defect]

Thanks for the feedback. A story is no good if it's not understandable.
The run on sentences are a result of me trying to be biblical. I'm still working on cleaning it up as I go. It's not meant to be a literal story but a "Genesis" book. Ive been trying to make it read like an ancient story of creation. It's the mythology of a fictional setting and is not meant to be the true story of the setting.
The swarms are bugs: pollinating bugs and bugs that aerate the soil, decomposers, devouring swarms and things like that.
The survivors that Thea gave her power and wisdom to are the animals. This represents the niches that animals fulfill in an ecosystem. The giants were supposed to be dinosaurs other mega-fauna and flora.
Their explanation of what separates Humans from nature are the gifts that the spirits gave them. In the next part, a character named Leviathan receives the gifts which result in the humanities ejection from paradise which I wanted to represent their transition to agriculture and domestication; the idyllic and simple times of the hunter gather days are gone.
I need to make a distinction between regular animals and the primordial spirits; the primordial spirits are responsible for guiding the animals they represent. Leviathan eventually becomes as powerful as the primordial spirits and starts to manipulate humanity's destiny, sometimes in very brutal ways.
The different tribes of the offspring of Leviathan eventually disperse and colonize the world. This specific myth follows two tribes in particular which is why I created it. I'm working on a manga that takes place during their iron age with the main character hearing a story about his ancestors. A character in a story I have in the arena follows this religion as well.