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Reply Writing: Prose
A Murder's Fear - Part 1 and 2

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DeMoNxDaVe

PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:53 pm
Heh heh, in a guild composed of a lot of women, I'm sure this will be very popular . . .

Anyways, This is pretty much PG-13 by Hollywood's standards (just a tad violent) and Part One has been edited due to the fact that it was poorly written when I posted it in the arena.

Enjoy! biggrin

Part One


The chain silently swung as the moonlight danced off of it. Clouds spawned from heavy breathing and whimsically floated away from his mouth. With his head hung low, he gripped the red stained dagger in his hand. The cold beating against his skin as all stood still. It was maddening, not knowing whether that man was still following him. He just wanted to rest but the trash of a man seemed to have a score to settle or something a long those lines. Murder is fun but I suppose some think it's wrong. What a wonderful night, the murderer thought as a menacing grin ripped his cheeks apart.

"Riker!!!" screamed a voice behind him. It just seemed to pass him and become one with the night.

Rustling noises behind Riker threatened to make him move but he couldn't. The things passing in and out of his muscles were too heavy. It felt as a thousand bricks had fallen on top of him. Alas, effort was still required. A figure, presumably the filth that cried as he killed an few short minutes ago, silently ran past him. It stopped several feet in front of him. What a satisfying kill this will be, Riker thought as he threw the dagger at the figure's back. A wonderfully sick stabbing noise lit up the night and the figure grunted and knelt onto one knee.

Riker was about to lunge at it but then a blissful light engulfed him. The world dissolved into nothingness. Sounds were gone and Riker could not feel his body. He questioned if it even existed anymore. But then his vision slowly came back, a bright blue quilt unfolded onto the skies. The white clouds dotted along the vast blue area looked like they could be plucked. Smells of salt then entered his noise, edging him closer to consciousness.

Riker looked up and noticed he was no longer in the forest where he had enjoyed so many wonderful kills. Panic tried to overcome him but he would allow such a thing to happen. Murders don't get scared that easily. Although, this was wrong, he shouldn't be here now! Chilled ocean water grazed his toes as it splashed upon the beach and slowly retracted. The warmth of sun is something that Riker had not been used too . . . everything was so surreal. He stood and looked out at the ocean. Tears rolled lazily down his cheeks as he realized he did not deserve to be in such a beautiful place. He was something too dark to exist in the place. He didn't not understand these feelings and refused to believe they were real. Letting out a hoarse cry, his knees feel to the ground and melted through the ground.

Silence once more.

It was too much. He could not handle the uncontrollable, for it was him who was supposed to be uncontrollable! As Riker faded out of what had been reality for a few short moment, he let out a terrified scream as sloped walls made of dirt and steel appeared beside him. Explosion and screams filled the death ridden air. Nothing but corpses and smoke could be smelled. Riker didn't know where he was and he didn't care, he just wanted out of this damnation! His arms carried him up the sloped walls and his legs started to run, but before they could a burning pain shot into his skull and his body fell. Dead at last, Riker cheered in his mind as everything faded. A eternity of nothing all for him. There was no better thing that could be asked for. Everything was black and nothing existed for what seemed like a long period of time. It's hard to describe nothingness. But it's easy to imagine and plead for.


Riker's eyes opened and then he felt true fear when you can't die.


Part Two



Riker's eyes opened and fear flooded his body. The non-existence he had experienced was gone and he was somewhere familiar. The smell of pine and blood glided through the air and silently crept into Riker's nostrils. His eyes quickly darted around the room and as he calmed down, a horrible sight had been acquired. This sight was of the decapitated corpses that were murdered by his own hand. The blood of the trash he had deposed of was still fresh and rolling toward his feet. Vomit spat out of his mouth as he fell to his knees and clenched his stomach. Everything span and his mind raced.What was going on? Was reality even real anymore? Had Fate watched his unspeakable acts and finally decided justice was required? Riker's head slowly tilted towards the door and the thought hit him.

Orion, the trash he had murder's father, probably just ran out of this stained building and began pursuing him. But how could he pursue Riker if Riker was here. None of this made sense. While trying to understand all of this nonsense, Riker came to a somewhat logical conclusion. Maybe if he didn't murder Orion, Fate would forgive his malicious soul. Yes, yes! He can erase this damnation and finally rest! Second chances are rare but this must be one of them! He had to stop Orion from running after him! Riker managed to get on his feet and stumbled out the door. The urge to save Orion was great now, so he tried running but simply crashed to the ground. With dirt in his mouth and ice in his lungs, Riker clawed the soil. Slowly and painfully, he gained the strength to rise again.

He began limping towards Orion. Limping soon turned to walking and walking turned to sprinting. The cold of the night whipped against his face, scratching and tearing it's pale, gauntness apart. His own blood was being spilled, but a second could not be wasted thinking about it. A white dance flickered in trees ahead of Riker and he knew it was Orion. Stopping him will be easier then thought. The sound of running could be heard from Orion now, both his and Riker's running created some primal rhythm as they beat the Earth. The trees closed in around them and began laughing. A game of cat and mouse is what they were playing but they didn't know neither cat nor mouse won, for if the cat bites the mouse he will only be playing the sadistic game that neither can escape. The trees swayed back and forth, their bellies bursting from the decay of enjoyment. The grass screamed as it was flattened into nothing. Hopes crushed as fools run. It's a pity too because they don't even know the game was just beginning.

Orion finally noticed he was being trailed and turned around but as he did so Riker kept running and delivered a punishing blow to his stomach. Orion's body crumpled to the ground and Riker's boot slammed his cheek. Orion was now out cold but Riker couldn't rest yet. He screamed his own name and continued bolting forward. He has to tell himself that the heinous acts he enjoys must stop now. He stopped in a clearing and surveyed the surroundings. All that could be seen was the stillness of night. The moon smiled as he glared on his chain. His eyes dropped to the chain he had worn so long. Did he even remember who gave it to him? Was it her? Had she really existed?

A tear dropped as one of Riker's knees sunk into the ground. A sharp pain rippled along his back and his eyes blurred. A warmth crawled down his back as ice filled his vein. Someone was laughing close by and suddenly a leg kicked him to the ground. The blow made him fall to the ground only, driving whatever was in his back further. He closed his eyes and his sluggish mind caught up to what was going on. Riker's face twisted into terror as he began screaming. His eyes shot open only to be staring at himself. The other Riker sneered but soon the sneer melted off and was replaced by shock. He fell backward into the dirt and began weeping. The real, or so he thought he was, Riker just laid there for a few moments. The life drained out of him, happiness wrapped around him and squeezed him tight. The other Riker's crying barely bothered him. Until voices disturbed this peaces. Broken voices, voices that spoke no words. They just made noise, an evil noise. Soon they formed a great black mass. The mass swayed wildly, slapping against trees and smashing them down. One fell on the other Riker, killing him instantly, then the mass stopped. Slowly, like a mist, It descended to the ground and gathered around Riker. It pulled him into the ground and to a place of all black. This again? Great, I guess being dead for a while then being absolutely horrified isn't so bad, thought Riker. What a lie. He laid there for what he believe to be centuries. Just waiting until Fate threw antoher fist at him and messed his mind up even more but maybe he was finally at peace and Fate was ready to leave him alone. That would be nice.


A screeching noise had cut into the silence of eternity and a bright like began blinking on Riker's chest. At least what he though was his chest. What was it? Was it the chain? The light began to growing more bright and intense, to the point of it burning his flesh. The only thing he could do was scream so he did and the screeching noise seemed to be muffled. The mysterious light began dying down also. It soon got down to the brightness of an average candle. Riker's vision readjusted and he noticed he was in a very cramped space. It smelled of pine and decay. His body began responding to him again as he wiggled around. He was just getting used to nothingness too. Air felt thin and so Riker began to panic. After not breathing for so long he had forgot the torment of suffocation was so aggravating. He started banging both of his fists against the ceiling of his prison. A breaking noise greeted his ear as dirt began piling into the prison. A coffin, to be exact, thought Riker. He grunted and began clawed at the dirt. Digging Upwards was like swimming but more hellish. It seemed like he was digging himself out of the ground for hours but he finally began to feel a soggy texture to the dirt and broke the surface. Light streamed into his eyes as his hand shot up from his hole.


Riker screamed as he pulled his torso out of the ground. Rain cried upon his head as he wiped the grime and dirt from his vision. He looked around lazily and noticed a chair. Sitting their all alone was a girl on this chair. She seemed completely calm considering a man had just dug himself out of a coffin right in front of her.


"Riker! You're home!"


. . . Terror, once again, was truly felt . . .


To be concluded . . .


Well that's it for now and yes. I am going to write a third and finally Part.

Oh and I wasn't stealing the "to be concluded" line from Back to the Future Part 2, I was just making a little nod to it, also Part Two, was like one giant nod to Back to the Future because it has time travel-like elements. The trilogy is really amazing and if you haven't seen it you should watch it!

Please leave some feedback and I hope you didn't completely hate it. mrgreen

Have a nice day!  
PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:06 pm
It was a very very VERY interesting piece.

Grammatical Errors . . .

In the paragraph before "Silence once more"
I assume that panic tried to overcome him, but he wouldn't allow such a thing to happen
and his knees fell to the ground

The Paragraph after "Silence once more"
a few short moments.
did the walls surround him or appear just beside him? After reading through it seems like they surrounded him like he was in a pit, but my first impression was something of being in an alleyway where there's a way out in front of you and behind you.
smelled is a funny word that doesn't quite fit in the style that you've been writing in. Maybe instead of writing it smelled funny, talk of the smell that hung in the air.
"A eternity of nothing, all for him."

The last sentence of Part 1. "he felt the true fear of when you can't die." just for a little clarification, but you're welcome to tweak it how you like, or leave it like it is.

Part 2 paragraph 1
Everything spun and his mind raced.

Part 2 paragraph 3
I'm a little confused how limping turns to walking, but I think I understand you were trying to say he was starting slow and getting faster.
"scratching and tearing its pale gautness apart." and was the wind doing that to itself?
". . . neither cat nor mouse won, . . . " maybe "would win" would be a little more clarifying. or even "could win" because it sounds like you're going to doing something like a time jump, skip this chasing and go straight for the end.

Part 2 paragraph 5
ice filled his vein or veins?
In the next sentence I think I would leave the word only out because the way you've written so far, it felt like you were going to switch from physical to emotional or psychological. Without the only, it helps stay in the realm of physical actions and make it run a little smoother.
he believed to be centuris
. . . Fate threw another fist at him and messed his mind up even more , but maybe . . .

Part 2 paragraph 6
" . . . a bright light began blinking . . ."
". . . at least what he thought was his chest."
"The light began to growing more bright . . . " The light began to grow, or the light began growing.

final note - there were a few spots I thought commas would have been nice, just to pause midway through a long sentence instead of a run on, but I didn't want to make this grammar section too much longer sweatdrop Sorry it's so long.


I like the style of your writing. It's very descriptive and you rarely use the same adjective twice adding variety to your work.
You have an image of all of this playing out in your mind and I think that you effectively convey this image to us as readers.
Can't wait til the next part blaugh  

Kasi Karra
Crew


DeMoNxDaVe

PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 5:40 pm
Kasi Karra
It was a very very VERY interesting piece.

Grammatical Errors . . .

In the paragraph before "Silence once more"
I assume that panic tried to overcome him, but he wouldn't allow such a thing to happen
and his knees fell to the ground

The Paragraph after "Silence once more"
a few short moments.
did the walls surround him or appear just beside him? After reading through it seems like they surrounded him like he was in a pit, but my first impression was something of being in an alleyway where there's a way out in front of you and behind you.
smelled is a funny word that doesn't quite fit in the style that you've been writing in. Maybe instead of writing it smelled funny, talk of the smell that hung in the air.
"A eternity of nothing, all for him."

The last sentence of Part 1. "he felt the true fear of when you can't die." just for a little clarification, but you're welcome to tweak it how you like, or leave it like it is.

Part 2 paragraph 1
Everything spun and his mind raced.

Part 2 paragraph 3
I'm a little confused how limping turns to walking, but I think I understand you were trying to say he was starting slow and getting faster.
"scratching and tearing its pale gautness apart." and was the wind doing that to itself?
". . . neither cat nor mouse won, . . . " maybe "would win" would be a little more clarifying. or even "could win" because it sounds like you're going to doing something like a time jump, skip this chasing and go straight for the end.

Part 2 paragraph 5
ice filled his vein or veins?
In the next sentence I think I would leave the word only out because the way you've written so far, it felt like you were going to switch from physical to emotional or psychological. Without the only, it helps stay in the realm of physical actions and make it run a little smoother.
he believed to be centuris
. . . Fate threw another fist at him and messed his mind up even more , but maybe . . .

Part 2 paragraph 6
" . . . a bright light began blinking . . ."
". . . at least what he thought was his chest."
"The light began to growing more bright . . . " The light began to grow, or the light began growing.

final note - there were a few spots I thought commas would have been nice, just to pause midway through a long sentence instead of a run on, but I didn't want to make this grammar section too much longer sweatdrop Sorry it's so long.


I like the style of your writing. It's very descriptive and you rarely use the same adjective twice adding variety to your work.
You have an image of all of this playing out in your mind and I think that you effectively convey this image to us as readers.
Can't wait til the next part blaugh


Wow. Thanks for the amazing feed back! biggrin

The "scratching and tearing" was a literal thing but at the same time not. Since he was running through a forest, branches could be whipping his face. So in all the panic Riker was experiencing I thought he'd probably think it was actually the wind. It's a really vague metaphor-type thing.

The whole smelled thing I realized I should of used smelt. Accident.

And the walls of steel and dirt is actually referring to the trenches of War World 1. A very sneaky reference. ninja

But yeah I'll probably write Part 3 in the next two weeks cuz iI really want it out of my head haha  
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 5:56 pm
okay, that makes a little more sense, I just thought the first time I read it that the wind was ripping at itself by the wording.

That makes more sense now. the trenches, I want to say maybe you could explain that a little more in the writing, but I don't know how you'ld do that.

Yay blaugh part 3!!!  

Kasi Karra
Crew

Reply
Writing: Prose

 
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