The Ending of the lie of Truth.(needs others opinions please

[Fakushin Danaraki]

Truth is covered in lies. even if you know the real ' truth' to understand it completely you must go back to the beginning.

The whole of the world is split into different empires and nations. In one nation to the west there is a young man who will change that. With this discorvery the End of The Lie of Truth.

Black threw a bail of hay on the wagons bed with a thud. He steped back from the throw and wiped his hand across his head, taking some sweat with it." There uncle! Thats the last one!" He said excitedly. He saw an old mans head pop out from the right of the wagon." Good black. Now we can sell this to the cattle farmers and make a little more this year." He said as he steped in full sight examining the wagons load." Alright then Black.Go wash and came back so we can leave." He said turning to black with a smile. Black nodded and smiled and ran back into the house, greeted his aunt as he came in washed up and ran back out and hoped aboard the wagon." Alright lets go!" Black said to his uncle who was sitting on the fallen tree in the yard, sense he tired to keep up with black." Now hold on boy, your just alittle too excited to go. Is it because were gonna let you bring you friend home with us?" Black just looked at him and smiled.

They rode into to town about noon. They saw the entire market busy with the consumers and merchants of all trades. Soon they pulled into the back of a stall and station themselves there and began to sell the bail. They had a rough start but i got going thanks to some help from Black's uncles friends. When black notice the had sold half of the bail he said." Hey uncle can i go out and explore the market?" His uncle turned to him and said." Sure but not for long ok Black?" Black nodded and was gone. He walked around the many stands of merchantdise and such and ignored the calls and offers from the merchants themselves. He slowly made his way into a back alley where he saw several people laying there either to catch there breaths or they live in that section of the city. He made his way quietly towards the end were he saw an young girl sitting in one of the blankets spread out and wraped up in a blanket to stay warm. Black smiled as he came up to her and said." Hey, sift." He said with warmth and softness as he knelt down by her. She looked away from the fire that she was by and looked at him the blanket fell off of her head and reveled her pointed ears. When black met her to his surprise she was an elf that was left behind when they wen tinto hiding in the forests of legasle and gratain. She smiled." Hi Black. Its been awhile sense youve been here. How are things at home?" Black replied." Fine. How have you been doing The past few weeks?" She smiled and said." Its been a little cold but thats all." Balck then said." Well good news my aunt and uncle said you can come and stay with us for the time being, until you family comes for you." She then said." Wow i cant believe they said yes." Black then said." I know right now lets go." As he pulled her up and began to lead her out of the alley. Before the left, she used her long hair brown her to hide your pointed ears.

A Black made his way through the crowd finnaly was pushed into an open spot which he pulled Sift into with him. He then tried to get passed the wall of people but it was impossible. a man nearly two feet taller then Black slamed into him. Black was sent to the ground with a thud. The man annoyed said." Why are you blocking the way, boy? " With a grunt. Black then sat up and Sift came to help him get up." Sorry about that iw as trying to figure out a way through these people." the man looked at Black" And that suppose to be an excuse?" He then shifted his eyes towards Sift and licked his lips." Lets make a trade...." He smirk as he grabed her and held her tight against his body." Ill forgive you for her." Black then got this really annoyed look in his eys." LIKE HELL THAT'LL HAPPEN" He said As he kicked the man in the groan and then watched as he fall to the ground. he then grabed Sift and said." RUN!"

When the two of them made it beack to the wagon and Black's uncle the bails of hay was gone and his uncle had cleaned up." What took you so long Black? Did the earth swallow you and send you to Horizon?" Black shooks his head." No, we just got into some trouble." He said refering to him and Sift. His uncle crossed his arms and said." So youll be staying with us?" She nodded and remained quiet sense she was shy of others." Well then welcome to the family!" he said with a big smile and patted her shoulders. He then noticed her ears and said." Your an Elf?" she nodded agian. He then turned to black" Can i talk to her alone." Black nodded and looked at her then left. His uncle then folded his arms again." Why is an Elf wanting to stay with us humans and farthermore, why would an Elf want to be friends with a human." She then narrowed her eyes at him an dhad this unreadable expression." Because my mission is the same as yours, Matthew Makon." His eyes widend as they stared at each other then he said." All right thos are the rules, you see!" with a smile and jsut loud enough for black to hear. She then then " Yes i do." calmly. black then came back and said." Lets go home!"

Day became night by the time they got home. Black helped Sift out of the wagons bed. She smiled and said " Thank you, Black." Black returned the smile and nodded. They all went inside where they enjoyed the night. They all went to bed. But they werent alone. A man then came up behind the house and lite the roof and several other lite the fields surrounding the house on fire. Sift woke up at that moment and said." So there here." She then sneak through the house and snuck into black's room. She krept up to his bed and the grabed him and said." Shut it, you bone head! We need to get out of here." Black looked at her tiredly " Why?" She then said." The house is on fire." Black woke up and said." WHAT!" with loud yell. She then smacked her head." Idiot!" Then a burst into the room carring a sword and charged at the pair." She raised her hand and said." Alcaret." And a burst of white lightning jumped form her hand to the man and surged through his body and killed him. Sift grabed black and said." Lets go!" Black then said." What about my uncle and aunt." Sift then stayed quiet" Its too late...the knights got them already." Black looked at her and said." We have to-" he was cut short by her putting her hand over his mouth." I said shut up you moron." She then took off her hand and said." Follow if you wish to live." she then walked on ahead. black gulped and followed.

When they reached outside The knights were waiting. Sift stopped just short of the door and said." Iclik Barin." And a small orb of ice appeared in her hand. Black looked at her and said." You can use magic?" She then turned to him and said." Elf remember." She then opened the door and threw the orb then slamed it shut. She stayed and the heard this explosive sound but no explosion. She opened the door slowly then turned to black and nodded and went out. When black saw the outisde everything with 50 yards was ice. Black watched his steps carefully as he looked around. Sift then relaxed her guard." Alright i think we-" She was cut off by an slash froma sword right next to her. She dodged at the last second and grabed a stick from the ground and chanted." Sif tick." And then stick became a thick staff of wood, she then hopped in a defensive position. Black then stumbled back as he saw who attacked. Its was the man from earlier. He looked back a forth between the two of them and smirked." So your the one im after huh? Not surprising at all. And your is third protector, i hope you better then the other two." He said with this chilling smile. She stiffend and black looked behind him to see two pairs of feet. Black stared at them for awhile then just shut down. Why is this happening to me? He thought as he sat their looking at the ground. Sift then said." You b*****d!" She then attack with her staff chanting " SULOT TRI SLASHER" Making the edge of her staff razor sharp with three different blades. The man just parried it away with his sword. She then pointed to finger of her left hand at him and said." TAKAR SNAR!" A net of white energy then hurled it self from her to him and completely entangled him and made a bag of him.

The man inside the magic bag said two words." Uncoil-Slith" And the bag burst and it reveled a massive snake and he said." You think your weak magic can spot me? I dont think so, elf." He said with a hiss in his voice. She stood there and treied to think of ways out but she couldnt find one." Damn it" She thought as she stood there. The man then said." Scared? Good!" he then snapped his fingers and the snake struck the at her, which she dodged gracefully as she went on the defensive and then strcuk the snake in the head. The snak wasnt too happy, it used its tail to coil around her body. She tried to dodge but the tail was too fast and it caught her. She looked at the snakes head in anger as it got closer and closer." I cant fail....not now...." The man just laughed" You already have and thanks to you the repersentive of darkness is ours." She looks shocked" But hes the repersentive of good?!" The man just laughed coldly" Then your way wrong."

Black watched the scene unfold infront of him but was just to shook up by his lose. He then heard this voice." Let me free and ill avenge them...." Black looked around for the voice then heard it again" I am Kratan. Now let me out..." Black just said" Why?" and there was a responses" Because i have power." Black remained silent and then said" How?" The voice laughed " follow what i say very closely." After abotu a minute of sitting there black stood up. the man turned his head and said." Youve finnally relized it have you? Good! Now show us what you got!" Black just stared at the man and said." Bare you teeth-Kartan" and he raised his arm up infront of him and a black orb arppeared in the space between. The orb became large mist and then began to take form of a lone black haired wolf, the mist itself became an arua surrounding the body of the wolf. " Brilliant! Amazing! Such power for a young man to hold! Come we have much to teach yo-" The man stoped short when the wolf ran full speed at the snakes head." WHA!" He yelled as the wolf jumped up and slashed its claws in its neck completely severing its head. Black stood there and watched and said." I am not a monster, unlike you." With this mature and emotionless look. " Now for your judgement. Kartan." The wolf looked at him for a moment and blinked then ran at the man and the wolf itself said." Dark master." and the wolf became energy and went straight through the man and pulled out the mans soul and ate it. The mans body stood there confused until the eyes rolled back into his head and the body fell to the ground." Your punishment is the spend eternity inside Kartans belly, where you will never find peace or rest!" Black the closed his eyes and passed out. Sift looked absolute confused." What is going on? Why is the Representive a tamer of darkness? Thats never happened." she said making her way to Blacks body. She looked down at him with confusion visible in her eyes." What exactle are you Black Danaraki?"  

[Fakushin Danaraki]

no ones like posted in this crying it makes me sad.  

[Kasi Karra]

sorry I'm attempting to tutor three people at a time in computer programming and it's not going extremely well sweatdrop
I'll read it when I have spare time, but from what I've glanced over there's quite a few grammar and spelling errors.  

[Kasi Karra]

Fakushin Danaraki

Truth is covered in lies. even if you know the real ' truth' to understand it completely you must go back to the beginning. I would stick the entire phrase real truth in quotation marks, but that doesn't have to be changed

The whole of the world is split into different empires and nations. In one nation to the west there is a young man who will change that. With this discorvery the End of The Lie of Truth. When I read this the first time I thought you were still describing reality, not the world in your book. Does that make sense. You start the entire peace with something somewhat philosophical and then immediately jump into setting the scene and there's no transition. You need to have a comma or something after discovery in my opinion so that the reader actually pauses instead of reading the entire sentence. It just adds a little uumph I guess to the sentence

Black threw a bail of hay on the wagons bed with a thud. He steped back from the throw and wiped his hand across his head, taking some sweat with it." There uncle! Thats the last one!" He said excitedly. He saw an old mans head pop out from the right of the wagon." Good black. Now we can sell this to the cattle farmers and make a little more this year." He said as he steped in full sight examining the wagons load. "Alright then Black. Go wash and came back so we can leave." He said turning to black with a smile. Black nodded and smiled and ran back into the house, greeted his aunt as he came in washed up and ran back out and =red]hopped aboard the wagon." Alright lets go!" Black said to his uncle who was sitting on the fallen tree in the yard, since he had[/color[ tired to keep up with black." Now hold on boy, you're just alittle too excited to go. Is it because we're gonna let you bring your friend home with us?" Black just looked at him and smiled.
When characters say something it's a new paragraph. You have a run on sentence in the paragraph. Black nodded and smiled and ran . . . it's too many ands, and then you need a pause because I'm hoping he didn't wash as he created his house all while running out of the house at the same time. And then is Black embaressed that his uncle knows he's bringing someone home or excited about it? You could add a little more to Black's reaction at the bottom of this paragraph.

They rode into to town about noon. They saw the entire market busy with the consumers and merchants of all trades. Soon they pulled into the back of a stall and stationed themselves there and began to sell the bail. They had a rough start, but i got going thanks to some help from Black's uncle's friends. When black noticed the had sold half of the bail he said." Hey uncle can i go out and explore the market?" His uncle turned to him and said." Sure, but not for long ok Black?" Black nodded and was gone. He walked around the many stands of merchantdise and such and ignored the calls and offers from the merchants themselves. He slowly made his way into a back alley where he saw several people laying there either to catch their breaths or they live in that section of the city. He made his way quietly towards the end were he saw an young girl sitting in one of the blankets spread out and wraped up in a blanket to stay warm. Black smiled as he came up to her and said." Hey, sift." He said with warmth and softness as he knelt down by her. She looked away from the fire that she was by and looked at him the blanket fell off of her head and reveled her pointed ears. When black met her to his surprise she was an elf that was left behind when they went into hiding in the forests of legasle and gratain. She smiled." Hi Black. Its been awhile since youve been here. How are things at home?" Black replied." Fine. How have you been doing the past few weeks?" She smiled and said." Its been a little cold but that's all." Balck then said." Well good news my aunt and uncle said you can come and stay with us for the time being, until you family comes for you." She then said." Wow i can't believe they said yes." Black then said." I know right now let's go." As he pulled her up and began to lead her out of the alley. Before the left, she used her long brown hair her to hide your pointed ears.
You have a couple more run on sentences. He walked around the many stands and and and and. He slowly made his way to an alley where or or or. He saw a girl wrapped in a blanket and she had the blanket wrapped around her.
You use the word said far too often and it makes it a little bland. I'm assuming that when sift gets the new she can stay she's fairly excited, but she doesn't sound too excited cause that's all she said.
And I'm curious how they actually met. The alley you described doesn't seem like a place any one would just randomly travel to for the fun of it. And do the people in the alley know she's an elf too? Do they just not worry about it?

A Black made his way through the crowd finnaly was pushed into an open spot which he pulled Sift into with him. He then tried to get passed the wall of people but it was impossible. a man nearly two feet taller then Black slamed into him. Black was sent to the ground with a thud. The man annoyed said." Why are you blocking the way, boy? " With a grunt. Black then sat up and Sift came to help him get up." Sorry about that i was trying to figure out a way through these people." the man looked at Black" And that suppose to be an excuse?" He then shifted his eyes towards Sift and licked his lips." Lets make a trade...." He smirked as he grabbed her and held her tight against his body." I'll forgive you for her." Black then got this really annoyed look in his eys." LIKE HELL THAT'LL HAPPEN" He said s he kicked the man in the groin and then watched as he fell to the ground. he then grabbed Sift and said." RUN!"
I'm confused as to what the setting actually is. You started out kind of funny. What I got was they some how go into this crowd and then tried to keep going when someone ran into them, but even that is fuzzy.
Usually when a fight is started people start to gather.

When the two of them made it back to the wagon and Black's uncle the bails of hay were gone and his uncle had cleaned up." What took you so long Black? Did the earth swallow you and send you to Horizon?" Black shook his head." No, we just got into some trouble." He said refering to him and Sift. His uncle crossed his arms and said." So you'll be staying with us?" She nodded and remained quiet since she was shy of others." Well then welcome to the family!" he said with a big smile and patted her shoulders. He then noticed her ears and said." Your an Elf?" she nodded agian. He then turned to black" Can i talk to her alone." Black nodded and looked at her then left. His uncle then folded his arms again." Why is an Elf wanting to stay with us humans and farthermore, why would an Elf want to be friends with a human." She then narrowed her eyes at him and had this unreadable expression." Because my mission is the same as yours, Matthew Makon." His eyes widend as they stared at each other then he said." All right those are the rules, you see!" with a smile and just loud enough for black to hear. She then then " Yes i do." calmly. black then came back and said." Let's go home!"
Wouldn't someone have followed them back, I know when you kick a guy they're down for a while, but usually they get back up (especially the angry ones)
Add a little more detail to your sentences to express emotions more.
I thought that sift was hiding her ears with her hair, how did the uncle notice them?
Maybe if you told us why the elves were hiding in the forest, we'd get a little more foreshadowing into this conflict that's about to explode and engulf our main characters.

Day became night by the time they got home. Black helped Sift out of the wagon's bed. She smiled and said " Thank you, Black." Black returned the smile and nodded. They all went inside where they enjoyed the night. They all went to bed. But they weren't alone. A man then came up behind the house and lite the roof and several other lite the fields surrounding the house on fire. Sift woke up at that moment and said." So they're here." She then snuck through the house and snuck into black's room. She crept up to his bed and then grabbed him and said." Shut it, you bone head! We need to get out of here." Black looked at her tiredly " Why?" She then said." The house is on fire." Black woke up and said." WHAT!" with loud yell. She then smacked her head." Idiot!" Then a burst into the room carring a sword and charged at the pair." She raised her hand and said." Alcaret." And a burst of white lightning jumped form her hand to the man and surged through his body and killed him. Sift grabed black and said." Lets go!" Black then said." What about my uncle and aunt." Sift then stayed quiet" Its too late...the knights got them already." Black looked at her and said." We have to-" he was cut short by her putting her hand over his mouth." I said shut up you moron." She then took off her hand and said." Follow if you wish to live." she then walked on ahead. black gulped and followed.
the way you worded the house being caught on fire didn't make sense. One man suddenly became many. There wasn't a lot of suppense in that paragraph though I know this is a life or death situation.
Something burst into the room, but you didn't say what did.
light is spelt light or if you want the past tense it's lit.

When they reached outside The knights were waiting. Sift stopped just short of the door and said." Iclik Barin." And a small orb of ice appeared in her hand. Black looked at her and said." You can use magic?" She then turned to him and said." Elf remember." She then opened the door and threw the orb then slamed it shut. She stayed and the heard this explosive sound but no explosion. She opened the door slowly then turned to black and nodded and went out. When black saw the outisde everything within 50 yards was ice. Black watched his steps carefully as he looked around. Sift then relaxed her guard." Alright i think we-" She was cut off by an slash froma sword right next to her. She dodged at the last second and grabed a stick from the ground and chanted." Sif tick." And then stick became a thick staff of wood, she then hopped in a defensive position. Black then stumbled back as he saw who attacked. It was the man from earlier. He looked back and forth between the two of them and smirked." So your the one im after huh? Not surprising at all. And your is third protector, i hope you better then the other two." He said with this chilling smile. She stiffend and black looked behind him to see two pairs of feet. Black stared at them for awhile then just shut down. Why is this happening to me? He thought as he sat their looking at the ground. Sift then said." You b*****d!" She then attack with her staff chanting " SULOT TRI SLASHER" Making the edge of her staff razor sharp with three different blades. The man just parried it away with his sword. She then pointed to finger of her left hand at him and said." TAKAR SNAR!" A net of white energy then hurled it self from her to him and completely entangled him and made a bag of him.
So the guy shows up, I would give a little foreshadowing to this a little while previous to this. Have yell something about regretting kicking him in the groin or something as Sift and Black escape.
I assume her staff would be the stick she picked up, though staff is usually used to describe a weapon someone's had for a while.
Her last spell didn't make too much sense when you described it cause of your wording.

The man inside the magic bag said two words." Uncoil-Slith" And the bag burst and it reveled a massive snake and he said." You think your weak magic can spot me? I dont think so, elf." He said with a hiss in his voice. She stood there and tried to think of ways out but she couldnt find one." Damn it" She thought as she stood there. The man then said." Scared? Good!" he then snapped his fingers and the snake struck the at her, which she dodged gracefully as she went on the defensive and then strcuk the snake in the head. The snak wasnt too happy, it used its tail to coil around her body. She tried to dodge but the tail was too fast and it caught her. She looked at the snakes head in anger as it got closer and closer." I cant fail....not now...." The man just laughed" You already have and thanks to you the repersentive of darkness is ours." She looks shocked" But hes the repersentive of good?!" The man just laughed coldly" Then your way wrong."
representative sounds strange and I would suggest just making another name for him. That gives us another question to keep in our mind that propels us to keep reading so that we can answer it.
A few other grammar errors

Black watched the scene unfold infront of him but was just to shook up by his lose. He then heard this voice." Let me free and ill avenge them...." Black looked around for the voice then heard it again" I am Kratan. Now let me out..." Black just said" Why?" and there was a responses" Because i have power." Black remained silent and then said" How?" The voice laughed " follow what i say very closely." After abotu a minute of sitting there black stood up. the man turned his head and said." Youve finnally relized it have you? Good! Now show us what you got!" Black just stared at the man and said." Bare you teeth-Kartan" and he raised his arm up infront of him and a black orb arppeared in the space between. The orb became large mist and then began to take form of a lone black haired wolf, the mist itself became an arua surrounding the body of the wolf. " Brilliant! Amazing! Such power for a young man to hold! Come we have much to teach yo-" The man stoped short when the wolf ran full speed at the snakes head." WHA!" He yelled as the wolf jumped up and slashed its claws in its neck completely severing its head. Black stood there and watched and said." I am not a monster, unlike you." With this mature and emotionless look. " Now for your judgement. Kartan." The wolf looked at him for a moment and blinked then ran at the man and the wolf itself said." Dark master." and the wolf became energy and went straight through the man and pulled out the mans soul and ate it. The mans body stood there confused until the eyes rolled back into his head and the body fell to the ground." Your punishment is the spend eternity inside Kartans belly, where you will never find peace or rest!" Black the closed his eyes and passed out. Sift looked absolute confused." What is going on? Why is the Representive a tamer of darkness? Thats never happened." she said making her way to Blacks body. She looked down at him with confusion visible in her eyes." What exactle are you Black Danaraki?"
I would split this paragraph into two paragraphs. In the middle of Sift's Battle have Black learn of Kratan's existence, go back to Sift's battle and then let Kratan finish the guy off.
I understand how the battle worked, but you need some more description to make it clear what happened instead of fuzzy.

Your two favorite words must be said and and. You use them far too much in the story and it starts to get repetitive in a way that isn't good.
Also your grammar and spelling could use some work. I would suggest reading the story out loud before posting it next time and that will clear some of the errors.
The story plot is good and the characters I think are starting to form, but I believe if the grammar is worked on, the story will be clearer and it will make more sense.  

[Fakushin Danaraki]

Thanks for your corrections ^^ it helps
i knew there would be alot fo errors from the begin so i called this one a 'rough draft.'
Im kinda lazy when i write.so when i use And or Said because im lazy at the time or can tthink of anything.
And thanks for the foreshadowing idea. after i wrote it i notice that that scene didnt make much sense and i was planning on adding some stuff to it.
And the fght scene i knew it was worded bad when i finished typing it but i havent had time to retype it and add some more suspense to it.