Introduction
All of this information is word-for-word From this FREE online guide, unless otherwise referenced. Photos I use will also be referenced.
0-6 months
0-6 Months:
Captures by erin
Young infants are brand-new to the world.
They can’t make much sense of things. They are easily frightened.
They need to know that they are safe and protected.
It’s very important at this stage that parents provide the baby with
plenty of warmth.
Structure is not needed at this stage. Babies can’t understand rules or
explanations. They only need to know that their needs will be met.
Young babies don’t know any words. They cry to let us know when
they need something. They learn quickly whether they can trust us to
listen and respond.
The most important thing parents can do at this stage is to respond to
their baby and try their best to figure out what the baby needs.
One of things that babies need most is to be held, cuddled, rocked,
and carried.
Cuddling your baby is very important for your relationship. If your
baby feels safe with you, she won’t be afraid to learn new things
when the time comes.
Cuddling is also important for the development of your baby’s brain.
Rocking and carrying are like brain food, building connections
among brain cells.
Young babies don’t understand their own feelings. They also don’t
know how you feel. When they cry, they aren’t trying to make you mad.
They don’t even know what “mad” is! They don’t even know why
they’re crying! Sometimes, their own crying can scare them.
Remember that crying is normal. It is even normal for the crying to
continue when you try to comfort your baby. And it is normal for
crying to last a long time, especially in the evening.
Captures by erin
Young infants are brand-new to the world.
They can’t make much sense of things. They are easily frightened.
They need to know that they are safe and protected.
It’s very important at this stage that parents provide the baby with
plenty of warmth.
Structure is not needed at this stage. Babies can’t understand rules or
explanations. They only need to know that their needs will be met.
Young babies don’t know any words. They cry to let us know when
they need something. They learn quickly whether they can trust us to
listen and respond.
The most important thing parents can do at this stage is to respond to
their baby and try their best to figure out what the baby needs.
One of things that babies need most is to be held, cuddled, rocked,
and carried.
Cuddling your baby is very important for your relationship. If your
baby feels safe with you, she won’t be afraid to learn new things
when the time comes.
Cuddling is also important for the development of your baby’s brain.
Rocking and carrying are like brain food, building connections
among brain cells.
Young babies don’t understand their own feelings. They also don’t
know how you feel. When they cry, they aren’t trying to make you mad.
They don’t even know what “mad” is! They don’t even know why
they’re crying! Sometimes, their own crying can scare them.
Remember that crying is normal. It is even normal for the crying to
continue when you try to comfort your baby. And it is normal for
crying to last a long time, especially in the evening.
6-12 months
6-12 Months:
Alley Kat photography
At this age, babies usually are crying less and smiling more.
When they cry, it might be because they are afraid that you are gone.
A baby of this age will notice that you have left the room, but will not
yet understand that you will come back.
This can be very frightening for a baby. He can feel completely
helpless.
One of your most important tasks during this stage is to build your
baby’s trust in you. He needs to know that you are always close by.
Babies of this age also might cry because they are getting teeth.
Teething can cause a lot of pain, but the baby can’t yet tell you that it
hurts.
Another reason for crying at this stage is illness. Without language,
your baby can’t tell you when he feels sick.
Babies don’t know how to tell you that they have a fever, headache,
stomachache, sore throat, or nausea. They only can cry.
Another reason babies cry is that their brains are becoming “organized”.
It is normal for babies to cry at the same time each night. This is a
sign that their bodies and brains are developing a rhythm. Crying is
part of this process.
But your baby doesn’t understand what is happening to him. It helps
him to know that you are near when he is overcome by the feelings
that accompany crying.
One of the most exciting things that happens in this stage is
that babies begin to speak. First, they babble. They might make
sounds like “ba” or “da” or “ma”.
Babies learn the sounds of their native language when their parents
respond to their babbling. When your baby says “ba”, you can say
“ba ba ba” back to her.
When you respond to your baby’s babbling, she learns that “ba” is an important sound and she gets practice saying it. Soon that sound will grow into a word.
She also learns that when she speaks, you will listen and respond.
Responding to your baby’s babbling and first words encourages one of the most important building blocks of your relationship – communication.
At this early stage, you can help your child learn how to express
feelings. You can also show her that you will listen to what she has to
say and that you will respect her attempts to communicate with you.
Alley Kat photography
At this age, babies usually are crying less and smiling more.
When they cry, it might be because they are afraid that you are gone.
A baby of this age will notice that you have left the room, but will not
yet understand that you will come back.
This can be very frightening for a baby. He can feel completely
helpless.
One of your most important tasks during this stage is to build your
baby’s trust in you. He needs to know that you are always close by.
Babies of this age also might cry because they are getting teeth.
Teething can cause a lot of pain, but the baby can’t yet tell you that it
hurts.
Another reason for crying at this stage is illness. Without language,
your baby can’t tell you when he feels sick.
Babies don’t know how to tell you that they have a fever, headache,
stomachache, sore throat, or nausea. They only can cry.
Another reason babies cry is that their brains are becoming “organized”.
It is normal for babies to cry at the same time each night. This is a
sign that their bodies and brains are developing a rhythm. Crying is
part of this process.
But your baby doesn’t understand what is happening to him. It helps
him to know that you are near when he is overcome by the feelings
that accompany crying.
One of the most exciting things that happens in this stage is
that babies begin to speak. First, they babble. They might make
sounds like “ba” or “da” or “ma”.
Babies learn the sounds of their native language when their parents
respond to their babbling. When your baby says “ba”, you can say
“ba ba ba” back to her.
When you respond to your baby’s babbling, she learns that “ba” is an important sound and she gets practice saying it. Soon that sound will grow into a word.
She also learns that when she speaks, you will listen and respond.
Responding to your baby’s babbling and first words encourages one of the most important building blocks of your relationship – communication.
At this early stage, you can help your child learn how to express
feelings. You can also show her that you will listen to what she has to
say and that you will respect her attempts to communicate with you.
1 to 2 years
1 to 2 years:
margaretgruesbeck
This is a time of amazing changes!
During this stage, your child will begin to walk and he will have a
“language explosion”!
Walking changes everything. Now your child can go wherever he
wants to go. He can reach things that he couldn’t reach before.
He is thrilled with his new independence. He loves to explore every
corner. He loves to touch everything and taste everything.
This exploration is your child’s journey of discovery. It is how he
learns about his fascinating world.
All children need to explore, touch and taste. It is absolutely
necessary to their brain development.
When he explores, your child is a scientist. He will do experiments to
see which objects make noises, which ones fall, which ones float.
These experiments teach him about the objects in his world.
For example, he will drop a toy over and over and over again. He is
not doing this to annoy you. He is doing this to understand what
“falling” is.
He will put his hands in his food to discover its texture. He will put
toys in his mouth to discover their taste. He will spit out his food
to see how it feels.
None of this behaviour is “bad”. It is your child’s task at this stage to
discover his world. He is an explorer.
It is a parent’s task to make sure that his world is safe for exploration.
If your toddler can explore safely, he will learn a lot very quickly.
He also will learn that his world is a safe place With all of his exploration, your child will learn an amazing number of new words very quickly. He will want to know the name of
everything that he sees.
This is a wonderful opportunity to give your child a rich vocabulary
and a love of words. It is important to:
talk with him
read to him
listen to him
answer his questions
During this stage, your task is to nurture your child’s growing
independence.
He needs to know that you will respect his need for independence and
that you will support his strong desire to learn.
Your toddler’s need for independence might lead to some conflict
with you.
At this stage, children start to say “No!” When a toddler says,
“No!” she is not being defiant or disobedient. She is trying to tell
you how she feels.
While toddlers know the names of many objects, they don’t yet know
how to name feelings. It’s very hard for them to explain their feelings.
When a toddler says, “No!” she might be trying to say:
“I don’t like that.”
“I don’t want to leave.”
“I want that.”
“I want to choose my own clothes.”
“I’m frustrated.”
Also, they don’t understand how other people feel. If they can’t name
their own feelings, they certainly can’t name someone else’s feelings.
When you’re tired and need some peace and quiet, your child is not
able to understand how you feel or what you need. If she’s noisy, it’s
not because she’s being “bad”. It’s because she doesn’t understand
how you feel.
When you’re in a hurry and your child isn’t getting dressed, it’s not
because he wants to make you late. It’s because he doesn’t
understand why you have to leave now – right when he’s drawing his
masterpiece.
When it’s raining and you want your child to put her coat on and she
says, “No!” it’s not because she is being defiant. It’s because she
doesn’t understand yet how it feels to get wet in the rain – or because
she wants to choose for herself what she will wear.
Toddlers experience a lot of frustration in their daily lives. They want
to be independent, but we can’t always allow them to do what they
want to do.
Not only do they say “No!” a lot; they also hear “No!” a lot.
Toddlers are frustrated many, many times throughout the day
because adults say “No!” to them so often. We are trying to keep
them safe and teach them important rules.
But they don’t understand our intentions. They only feel the
frustration of hearing “No!”
As a result, toddlers can have tantrums. The frustration builds up in
them and they don’t know how to let it out. Their language is not
developed enough for them to express their feelings.
So sometimes they collapse in sadness, discouragement and
frustration. They express their feelings through tears, screams,
and throwing themselves onto the floor.
Many parents can relate to this. When we don’t understand our
children’s intentions when they say “No!” we sometimes become
frustrated and have tantrums too!
In these situations, we can teach our children important things, such
as how to handle frustration and express feelings in a constructive way.
These early teachings in resolving conflict are another building block
in your child’s development. They will strengthen your relationship
and teach skills that will last a lifetime.
margaretgruesbeck
This is a time of amazing changes!
During this stage, your child will begin to walk and he will have a
“language explosion”!
Walking changes everything. Now your child can go wherever he
wants to go. He can reach things that he couldn’t reach before.
He is thrilled with his new independence. He loves to explore every
corner. He loves to touch everything and taste everything.
This exploration is your child’s journey of discovery. It is how he
learns about his fascinating world.
All children need to explore, touch and taste. It is absolutely
necessary to their brain development.
When he explores, your child is a scientist. He will do experiments to
see which objects make noises, which ones fall, which ones float.
These experiments teach him about the objects in his world.
For example, he will drop a toy over and over and over again. He is
not doing this to annoy you. He is doing this to understand what
“falling” is.
He will put his hands in his food to discover its texture. He will put
toys in his mouth to discover their taste. He will spit out his food
to see how it feels.
None of this behaviour is “bad”. It is your child’s task at this stage to
discover his world. He is an explorer.
It is a parent’s task to make sure that his world is safe for exploration.
If your toddler can explore safely, he will learn a lot very quickly.
He also will learn that his world is a safe place With all of his exploration, your child will learn an amazing number of new words very quickly. He will want to know the name of
everything that he sees.
This is a wonderful opportunity to give your child a rich vocabulary
and a love of words. It is important to:
talk with him
read to him
listen to him
answer his questions
During this stage, your task is to nurture your child’s growing
independence.
He needs to know that you will respect his need for independence and
that you will support his strong desire to learn.
Your toddler’s need for independence might lead to some conflict
with you.
At this stage, children start to say “No!” When a toddler says,
“No!” she is not being defiant or disobedient. She is trying to tell
you how she feels.
While toddlers know the names of many objects, they don’t yet know
how to name feelings. It’s very hard for them to explain their feelings.
When a toddler says, “No!” she might be trying to say:
“I don’t like that.”
“I don’t want to leave.”
“I want that.”
“I want to choose my own clothes.”
“I’m frustrated.”
Also, they don’t understand how other people feel. If they can’t name
their own feelings, they certainly can’t name someone else’s feelings.
When you’re tired and need some peace and quiet, your child is not
able to understand how you feel or what you need. If she’s noisy, it’s
not because she’s being “bad”. It’s because she doesn’t understand
how you feel.
When you’re in a hurry and your child isn’t getting dressed, it’s not
because he wants to make you late. It’s because he doesn’t
understand why you have to leave now – right when he’s drawing his
masterpiece.
When it’s raining and you want your child to put her coat on and she
says, “No!” it’s not because she is being defiant. It’s because she
doesn’t understand yet how it feels to get wet in the rain – or because
she wants to choose for herself what she will wear.
Toddlers experience a lot of frustration in their daily lives. They want
to be independent, but we can’t always allow them to do what they
want to do.
Not only do they say “No!” a lot; they also hear “No!” a lot.
Toddlers are frustrated many, many times throughout the day
because adults say “No!” to them so often. We are trying to keep
them safe and teach them important rules.
But they don’t understand our intentions. They only feel the
frustration of hearing “No!”
As a result, toddlers can have tantrums. The frustration builds up in
them and they don’t know how to let it out. Their language is not
developed enough for them to express their feelings.
So sometimes they collapse in sadness, discouragement and
frustration. They express their feelings through tears, screams,
and throwing themselves onto the floor.
Many parents can relate to this. When we don’t understand our
children’s intentions when they say “No!” we sometimes become
frustrated and have tantrums too!
In these situations, we can teach our children important things, such
as how to handle frustration and express feelings in a constructive way.
These early teachings in resolving conflict are another building block
in your child’s development. They will strengthen your relationship
and teach skills that will last a lifetime.
2-3 years
2-3 years:
rinnalynette
During this stage, you may see changes in your child’s behaviour that
worry you, but that are actually signs of her growing understanding
of the world around her. Commonly, these changes take the form of
fears.
Suddenly, your child might be afraid of the dark. Or she might
become afraid of animals, new sounds, or shadows. Or she might cry
and cry when you leave her.
Often, parents worry about these changes. They think that their
children are acting less mature, rather than more mature. Actually,
these changes are signs that your child is maturing.
As your child understands more about danger, he learns to fear
being hurt. As your child’s imagination grows and he can think
about things he can’t see, he begins to fear monsters and ghosts.
This can be a very frightening time for your child. He doesn’t yet have
enough experience to know the difference between make-believe and
reality. He believes that what he sees truly exists.
He might suddenly become fearful of masks, drawings in books,
cartoon characters, or scary-looking toys. This happens because he
has learned about danger, but he doesn’t yet know that some things
aren’t real.
In your child’s mind, everything is alive. If you put on a scary mask,
he thinks that you have become that creature. If he imagines that
there is a monster under his bed, he believes it is true.
Your child might also be frightened when you leave him. This is
because he understands about danger, but he still doesn’t understand
that you will always come back for him. He can be very frightened
when he is left alone or with people he doesn’t know very well.
At this stage, your child needs a great deal of reassurance and
support. He needs to know that you understand and respect his
feelings – and that you will keep him safe.
Another sign of your child’s development is sudden shyness. Even
children who were very outgoing as toddlers can act quite differently
at this stage.
Suddenly, your child might act shy around strangers. This is a sign of her
growing understanding of relationships. This new behaviour is not rudeness or
rejection. It is an intelligent response to the situation. Your child understands
danger and knows the difference between strangers and people she knows.
Your child’s caution around strangers shows that she is
understanding more and more about her world.
Another development that often worries parents is children’s sudden
refusal to be held by your friends or relatives.
When this happens, your child is not being rude. He is beginning to
want control over his own body. He wants to decide for himself who
can touch him.
This is a very important development. To teach children body safety
and body privacy, we need to respect their rights to control their own
bodies.
Remember that your child does not yet understand how other people
feel.
When he cries for you, he does not understand that you have to leave.
When he won’t talk to a stranger, he does not understand that she is
trying to be friendly.
Your child is just beginning to understand her own feelings. It will be
some time before he can understand the feelings of others.
The most important task for parents at this stage is to respect their
children’s feelings.
We teach children to respect others’ feelings by respecting theirs.
When children trust that their parents will respect their feelings, they
become more confident because they feel safe.
Respecting your child’s feelings means:
helping him put his feelings into words
telling him that you feel that way sometimes too
not shaming or embarrassing him
not punishing him for being afraid
rinnalynette
During this stage, you may see changes in your child’s behaviour that
worry you, but that are actually signs of her growing understanding
of the world around her. Commonly, these changes take the form of
fears.
Suddenly, your child might be afraid of the dark. Or she might
become afraid of animals, new sounds, or shadows. Or she might cry
and cry when you leave her.
Often, parents worry about these changes. They think that their
children are acting less mature, rather than more mature. Actually,
these changes are signs that your child is maturing.
As your child understands more about danger, he learns to fear
being hurt. As your child’s imagination grows and he can think
about things he can’t see, he begins to fear monsters and ghosts.
This can be a very frightening time for your child. He doesn’t yet have
enough experience to know the difference between make-believe and
reality. He believes that what he sees truly exists.
He might suddenly become fearful of masks, drawings in books,
cartoon characters, or scary-looking toys. This happens because he
has learned about danger, but he doesn’t yet know that some things
aren’t real.
In your child’s mind, everything is alive. If you put on a scary mask,
he thinks that you have become that creature. If he imagines that
there is a monster under his bed, he believes it is true.
Your child might also be frightened when you leave him. This is
because he understands about danger, but he still doesn’t understand
that you will always come back for him. He can be very frightened
when he is left alone or with people he doesn’t know very well.
At this stage, your child needs a great deal of reassurance and
support. He needs to know that you understand and respect his
feelings – and that you will keep him safe.
Another sign of your child’s development is sudden shyness. Even
children who were very outgoing as toddlers can act quite differently
at this stage.
Suddenly, your child might act shy around strangers. This is a sign of her
growing understanding of relationships. This new behaviour is not rudeness or
rejection. It is an intelligent response to the situation. Your child understands
danger and knows the difference between strangers and people she knows.
Your child’s caution around strangers shows that she is
understanding more and more about her world.
Another development that often worries parents is children’s sudden
refusal to be held by your friends or relatives.
When this happens, your child is not being rude. He is beginning to
want control over his own body. He wants to decide for himself who
can touch him.
This is a very important development. To teach children body safety
and body privacy, we need to respect their rights to control their own
bodies.
Remember that your child does not yet understand how other people
feel.
When he cries for you, he does not understand that you have to leave.
When he won’t talk to a stranger, he does not understand that she is
trying to be friendly.
Your child is just beginning to understand her own feelings. It will be
some time before he can understand the feelings of others.
The most important task for parents at this stage is to respect their
children’s feelings.
We teach children to respect others’ feelings by respecting theirs.
When children trust that their parents will respect their feelings, they
become more confident because they feel safe.
Respecting your child’s feelings means:
helping him put his feelings into words
telling him that you feel that way sometimes too
not shaming or embarrassing him
not punishing him for being afraid
3-5 years
3-5 Years:
shull
This is such an exciting stage! Your child wants to know everything!
Your child’s mind has developed tremendously by this age. Now she
understands that she is capable of learning anything!
When she sees something new, she wants to know what it’s called,
what it’s for, how it works, why it moves as it does, … At this stage,
children ask so many questions!
Sometimes, parents get tired of trying to answer all of their children’s
questions. Sometimes they don’t know the answers themselves!
But parents can build a strong foundation for their children’s learning
by responding respectfully to their children’s questions.
If we respect children’s curiosity, they will experience the joy of
learning. This feeling will stay with them as they enter school.
Parents who try to answer their children’s questions – or help them
find the answers – are teaching their children many things:
it’s ok to not know everything
their ideas matter
there are many ways to find information
searching for answers and solving problems is fun
Children who learn these things will be more confident when they
face challenges. They will learn patience. And they will learn that it is
good to want to learn.
Sometimes, though, children want to learn about things that are
dangerous. They might want to learn how to light a candle. Or what
will happen if they jump from a tall tree. Or what will happen if they
drop your favourite dish.
Because children cannot be allowed to do dangerous things, they
begin to learn about rules at this stage.
The more your child understands about the reasons for the rules, the
more likely she is to follow them.
Remember that your child wants to know “why?” Why do birds fly?
Why do fish swim? And why can’t I light the candle?
When your child asks “why?” she is not challenging you. She really
wants to know the answer.
At this stage, children love to play imaginary games. They pretend
to be all kinds of things, including grown-ups. Sometimes they
become lost in their play because it feels so real to them.
Playing is your child’s “job”. It’s how he practices feeling what other
people feel. He puts himself into other people’s situations and
sees things through their eyes. Play is extremely important to the
development of children’s empathy.
Play is also important for your child’s brain development. Through
play, children solve problems, invent new things, do experiments,
and figure out how things work.
Children need time to play. It is another building block in their
development.
If they have time to develop theirimaginations, they will become more
creative problem-solvers.
If they can take things apart and put them back together, they will
realize that they can figure things out.
If they can draw and sing, they will become more confident in
expressing themselves through art.
If they have opportunities to work out arguments, they will become
better at resolving conflict.
Another feature of this stage is children’s desire to help. They want to
sweep the floor, make treats, wash the clothes, paint the house, and
build things.
By helping, they are “apprenticing”. They learn and practice
important life skills by watching and helping.
When children help, they make many mistakes. They don’t do things
perfectly. They have little experience with these tasks, so they might
not do them as we would like them done.
But this is how they learn. Just as we are not always good at things
the first time, children also need a chance to make mistakes and to
learn.
When we encourage children to help, we give them a chance to learn.
And when we let them practice, we are showing them that we respect
their skills and their capabilities.
This message has a big impact on children. If they see themselves as
capable, they will be much more confident about learning new things.
An important task for parents at this stage is to foster their children’s
confidence in their abilities, by:
answering their questions, or helping them to find the answers
making sure they have time to play
encouraging them to help
A young child’s confidence in his ability to learn is the foundation of
all future learning.
He will face many challenges in the years ahead. If he begins this
journey believing that he is capable, he is much more likely to
overcome those challenges.
shull
This is such an exciting stage! Your child wants to know everything!
Your child’s mind has developed tremendously by this age. Now she
understands that she is capable of learning anything!
When she sees something new, she wants to know what it’s called,
what it’s for, how it works, why it moves as it does, … At this stage,
children ask so many questions!
Sometimes, parents get tired of trying to answer all of their children’s
questions. Sometimes they don’t know the answers themselves!
But parents can build a strong foundation for their children’s learning
by responding respectfully to their children’s questions.
If we respect children’s curiosity, they will experience the joy of
learning. This feeling will stay with them as they enter school.
Parents who try to answer their children’s questions – or help them
find the answers – are teaching their children many things:
it’s ok to not know everything
their ideas matter
there are many ways to find information
searching for answers and solving problems is fun
Children who learn these things will be more confident when they
face challenges. They will learn patience. And they will learn that it is
good to want to learn.
Sometimes, though, children want to learn about things that are
dangerous. They might want to learn how to light a candle. Or what
will happen if they jump from a tall tree. Or what will happen if they
drop your favourite dish.
Because children cannot be allowed to do dangerous things, they
begin to learn about rules at this stage.
The more your child understands about the reasons for the rules, the
more likely she is to follow them.
Remember that your child wants to know “why?” Why do birds fly?
Why do fish swim? And why can’t I light the candle?
When your child asks “why?” she is not challenging you. She really
wants to know the answer.
At this stage, children love to play imaginary games. They pretend
to be all kinds of things, including grown-ups. Sometimes they
become lost in their play because it feels so real to them.
Playing is your child’s “job”. It’s how he practices feeling what other
people feel. He puts himself into other people’s situations and
sees things through their eyes. Play is extremely important to the
development of children’s empathy.
Play is also important for your child’s brain development. Through
play, children solve problems, invent new things, do experiments,
and figure out how things work.
Children need time to play. It is another building block in their
development.
If they have time to develop theirimaginations, they will become more
creative problem-solvers.
If they can take things apart and put them back together, they will
realize that they can figure things out.
If they can draw and sing, they will become more confident in
expressing themselves through art.
If they have opportunities to work out arguments, they will become
better at resolving conflict.
Another feature of this stage is children’s desire to help. They want to
sweep the floor, make treats, wash the clothes, paint the house, and
build things.
By helping, they are “apprenticing”. They learn and practice
important life skills by watching and helping.
When children help, they make many mistakes. They don’t do things
perfectly. They have little experience with these tasks, so they might
not do them as we would like them done.
But this is how they learn. Just as we are not always good at things
the first time, children also need a chance to make mistakes and to
learn.
When we encourage children to help, we give them a chance to learn.
And when we let them practice, we are showing them that we respect
their skills and their capabilities.
This message has a big impact on children. If they see themselves as
capable, they will be much more confident about learning new things.
An important task for parents at this stage is to foster their children’s
confidence in their abilities, by:
answering their questions, or helping them to find the answers
making sure they have time to play
encouraging them to help
A young child’s confidence in his ability to learn is the foundation of
all future learning.
He will face many challenges in the years ahead. If he begins this
journey believing that he is capable, he is much more likely to
overcome those challenges.
5-9 ears
5-9 Years:
This stage marks a major turning point in the life of the child – and of
the parents. During this stage, most children will start school.
When a child enters school, her world changes. She must quickly
learn how to:
manage on her own, without her parents
get along with many new children
meet the expectations of many new adults
follow new schedules and routines
Children’s first school experiences can affect their feelings toward
school and learning for many years to come.
Although all children start school at the same age, they are not all
ready at the same time. Children can have very different temperaments
that can greatly affect how they respond to school.
A child’s temperament is inborn. It cannot be changed. It is a big part
of what makes your child who she is.
There are no “good” or “bad” temperaments – just different ones.
Our temperaments are what make us unique. Every temperament has
its own strengths.
Let’s look at some important dimensions of temperament.
1. Activity level
Some children are highly active, wanting to run, jump, or climb most
of the time. They hardly ever sit still, even at mealtimes. They seem
to be always in motion.
Other children are inactive, preferring quiet activities, such as looking
at books or playing with puzzles for long periods of time.
Other children’s activity levels fall somewhere in-between.
2. Regularity
Some children have predictable rhythms. They get hungry at regular
intervals, and wake up, fall asleep and go to the bathroom around the
same time each day.
Other children have changing rhythms. They might be very hungry at
noon one day and not at all hungry at noon the next day. They might
wake up very early on Monday, but sleep late on Tuesday.
Other children have rhythms that fall somewhere in-between.
3. Response to new situations
Some children approach new situations. They smile at strangers, walk
up to new groups of children and join in their play, easily make new
friends, like to try new foods, and enjoy going to new places.
Other children withdraw from new situations. They move away from
strangers, take a long time to join new groups, spit out new foods,
and hesitate or avoid going to new places.
Other children’s responses to new situations fall somewhere
in-between.
4. Adaptability
Some children adjust quickly to new routines, places, people and
foods. It might only take a day or two for them to adjust to a new
schedule, living in a new house or going to a new school.
Other children adjust slowly. It might take months for them to make
friends in a new neighbourhood, feel comfortable in a new school, or
follow a new schedule.
Other children’s adaptability falls somewhere in-between.
5. Distractibility
Some children are easily distracted. They move from one thing to the
next, depending on what they happen to see or hear that moment.
It takes a long time for them to finish tasks because their attention is
constantly being drawn off in different directions. But when they are
sad or disappointed, it is easy to shift their attention to something
else and change their mood.
Other children are not easily distracted. They will sit and read for long
periods. And when they are hungry or sad, it’s not easy to shift their
attention.
Other children’s distractibility falls somewhere in-between.
6. Persistence
Some children are very persistent, sticking with a challenging task
until it is done. They have a goal in mind and they will keep going until
they achieve it. They don’t give up in the face of failure. But it’s not
easy to convince them to stop doing things that they want to do.
Other children are less persistent. If they fall, they will stop climbing.
If they don’t succeed in solving a puzzle quickly, they lose interest.
And it’s easy to convince them to stop doing things that we don’t want
them to do.
Other children’s persistence falls somewhere in-between.
7. Intensity
Some children have very intense responses to events and situations.
If they have difficulty with a puzzle, they yell and throw the pieces.
They show intense anger and sadness, but they also show intense
happiness. They cry loudly when they are sad and laugh joyfully when
they are happy. You always know how these children are feeling.
Other children have subdued reactions. When they are sad inside,
they cry quietly. When they are happy, they smile quietly. It’s difficult
to know how these children are feeling.
Other children’s intensity falls somewhere in-between.
Your child’s temperament has a powerful influence on his readiness
for school.
Some children will find the new environment interesting and exciting,
will adapt quickly to the new routines, and will enjoy making new
friends.
Others will find the new environment stressful, will take time to adjust
to the new routines, and will find it difficult to make new friends.
It is important for parents to recognize their children’s temperaments
and respect their individuality.
It is not possible to make an active child into an inactive one, or to
make a less persistent child into a persistent one.
But we can identify each child’s strengths and build on them. We can
also identify each child’s unique challenges and create a supportive
environment that allows each child to thrive.
Not only does you child’s temperament affect her behaviour.
Your temperament also affects her behaviour – and it affects your
behaviour, as well.
Parent-child relationships are strongly affected by the match between
the child’s temperament and the parent’s temperament.
Think about a parent who is not very active. This parent likes to stay
indoors, read quietly and listen to gentle music.
Now think about what might happen if this parent has a child with
a high activity level. What will happen if this child is kept indoors
and is expected to sit quietly?
If this parent recognizes that her child has a higher activity level than
she has, she will be able to adjust her expectations and find ways to
meet her child’s needs for activity. If she doesn’t realize that her child’s
behaviour is due to his temperament, she might think that her child is
being “bad”.
It’s very important for parents to think about their own temperaments
and consider how well they match their children’s temperaments.
Doing so can help us to understand the reasons for many family
conflicts.
The match between your child’s temperament and your own can have
a powerful effect on your relationship. By recognizing the role of
temperament in your child’s behaviour and your behaviour, you can
begin to understand the reasons behind many conflicts that arise.
You can also understand why hitting and yelling don’t help.
Your child is an individual, just as you are. His temperament cannot
be changed and neither can yours.
Where your temperaments don’t match, you can find ways of
resolving the difference without fights or arguments. You can find
ways of respecting your differences and working them out.
During the early school years, children’s social relationships become
more and more important. Their growing interest in friendships is a
sign of their growing independence.
Your child’s world is expanding. She is learning more about how
others think, what others believe, and how others behave.
Sometimes, parents worry that they are losing control over their
children at this stage. They worry about all of the new influences on
their children.
But this is a necessary and important part of your child’s
development. During this stage, she will learn a lot about other
people. She will learn even more about herself.
In this stage, children must figure out very complicated issues for the
first time. They must learn how to:
manage conflict with other children
communicate with others, even when they disagree
stand up for themselves
stand up for others
deal with bullies
be loyal, even when it is difficult
be kind, even when others are not
The skills and confidence that your child acquired in earlier stages will
give her a strong foundation for facing these new challenges.
Children who see themselves as good, caring and capable are more
likely to make good decisions.
Children who feel supported and accepted by their parents are more
likely to turn to them for advice and help.
Children who have watched their parents handle conflict, anger and
stress without aggression or violence are more likely to resolve their
own conflicts well.
Children who learned from their parents how to listen, communicate
and treat others with respect are more likely to do the same with their
peers and teachers.
Everything that you did to build a strong, trusting relationship with
your child in the earlier years will now give him strength to handle
difficult situations.
For a child, figuring out all of the complicated parts of relationships is
a huge challenge. He is brand-new at this. He will make mistakes
because he doesn’t understand everything that we understand.
But as he tries, fails and succeeds, he will learn a lot about other
people and about himself. His empathy for others will increase. And
his understanding of his own beliefs and values will grow and grow.
Parents’ major task in this stage is to support and guide their
children. Children look to us as their models and guides
As their first and most important teachers, we can show them through
our own behaviour how to:
respect the rights of others
show kindness
help others
understand when they have hurt others
make amends for their mistakes
apologize from the heart
be loyal
act with integrity
This stage is a very important one because it is a bridge between
childhood and adolescence.
We can build on the foundation we created in the early years. And we
can set the stage for independent decision-making in the teen years.
This stage marks a major turning point in the life of the child – and of
the parents. During this stage, most children will start school.
When a child enters school, her world changes. She must quickly
learn how to:
manage on her own, without her parents
get along with many new children
meet the expectations of many new adults
follow new schedules and routines
Children’s first school experiences can affect their feelings toward
school and learning for many years to come.
Although all children start school at the same age, they are not all
ready at the same time. Children can have very different temperaments
that can greatly affect how they respond to school.
A child’s temperament is inborn. It cannot be changed. It is a big part
of what makes your child who she is.
There are no “good” or “bad” temperaments – just different ones.
Our temperaments are what make us unique. Every temperament has
its own strengths.
Let’s look at some important dimensions of temperament.
1. Activity level
Some children are highly active, wanting to run, jump, or climb most
of the time. They hardly ever sit still, even at mealtimes. They seem
to be always in motion.
Other children are inactive, preferring quiet activities, such as looking
at books or playing with puzzles for long periods of time.
Other children’s activity levels fall somewhere in-between.
2. Regularity
Some children have predictable rhythms. They get hungry at regular
intervals, and wake up, fall asleep and go to the bathroom around the
same time each day.
Other children have changing rhythms. They might be very hungry at
noon one day and not at all hungry at noon the next day. They might
wake up very early on Monday, but sleep late on Tuesday.
Other children have rhythms that fall somewhere in-between.
3. Response to new situations
Some children approach new situations. They smile at strangers, walk
up to new groups of children and join in their play, easily make new
friends, like to try new foods, and enjoy going to new places.
Other children withdraw from new situations. They move away from
strangers, take a long time to join new groups, spit out new foods,
and hesitate or avoid going to new places.
Other children’s responses to new situations fall somewhere
in-between.
4. Adaptability
Some children adjust quickly to new routines, places, people and
foods. It might only take a day or two for them to adjust to a new
schedule, living in a new house or going to a new school.
Other children adjust slowly. It might take months for them to make
friends in a new neighbourhood, feel comfortable in a new school, or
follow a new schedule.
Other children’s adaptability falls somewhere in-between.
5. Distractibility
Some children are easily distracted. They move from one thing to the
next, depending on what they happen to see or hear that moment.
It takes a long time for them to finish tasks because their attention is
constantly being drawn off in different directions. But when they are
sad or disappointed, it is easy to shift their attention to something
else and change their mood.
Other children are not easily distracted. They will sit and read for long
periods. And when they are hungry or sad, it’s not easy to shift their
attention.
Other children’s distractibility falls somewhere in-between.
6. Persistence
Some children are very persistent, sticking with a challenging task
until it is done. They have a goal in mind and they will keep going until
they achieve it. They don’t give up in the face of failure. But it’s not
easy to convince them to stop doing things that they want to do.
Other children are less persistent. If they fall, they will stop climbing.
If they don’t succeed in solving a puzzle quickly, they lose interest.
And it’s easy to convince them to stop doing things that we don’t want
them to do.
Other children’s persistence falls somewhere in-between.
7. Intensity
Some children have very intense responses to events and situations.
If they have difficulty with a puzzle, they yell and throw the pieces.
They show intense anger and sadness, but they also show intense
happiness. They cry loudly when they are sad and laugh joyfully when
they are happy. You always know how these children are feeling.
Other children have subdued reactions. When they are sad inside,
they cry quietly. When they are happy, they smile quietly. It’s difficult
to know how these children are feeling.
Other children’s intensity falls somewhere in-between.
Your child’s temperament has a powerful influence on his readiness
for school.
Some children will find the new environment interesting and exciting,
will adapt quickly to the new routines, and will enjoy making new
friends.
Others will find the new environment stressful, will take time to adjust
to the new routines, and will find it difficult to make new friends.
It is important for parents to recognize their children’s temperaments
and respect their individuality.
It is not possible to make an active child into an inactive one, or to
make a less persistent child into a persistent one.
But we can identify each child’s strengths and build on them. We can
also identify each child’s unique challenges and create a supportive
environment that allows each child to thrive.
Not only does you child’s temperament affect her behaviour.
Your temperament also affects her behaviour – and it affects your
behaviour, as well.
Parent-child relationships are strongly affected by the match between
the child’s temperament and the parent’s temperament.
Think about a parent who is not very active. This parent likes to stay
indoors, read quietly and listen to gentle music.
Now think about what might happen if this parent has a child with
a high activity level. What will happen if this child is kept indoors
and is expected to sit quietly?
If this parent recognizes that her child has a higher activity level than
she has, she will be able to adjust her expectations and find ways to
meet her child’s needs for activity. If she doesn’t realize that her child’s
behaviour is due to his temperament, she might think that her child is
being “bad”.
It’s very important for parents to think about their own temperaments
and consider how well they match their children’s temperaments.
Doing so can help us to understand the reasons for many family
conflicts.
The match between your child’s temperament and your own can have
a powerful effect on your relationship. By recognizing the role of
temperament in your child’s behaviour and your behaviour, you can
begin to understand the reasons behind many conflicts that arise.
You can also understand why hitting and yelling don’t help.
Your child is an individual, just as you are. His temperament cannot
be changed and neither can yours.
Where your temperaments don’t match, you can find ways of
resolving the difference without fights or arguments. You can find
ways of respecting your differences and working them out.
During the early school years, children’s social relationships become
more and more important. Their growing interest in friendships is a
sign of their growing independence.
Your child’s world is expanding. She is learning more about how
others think, what others believe, and how others behave.
Sometimes, parents worry that they are losing control over their
children at this stage. They worry about all of the new influences on
their children.
But this is a necessary and important part of your child’s
development. During this stage, she will learn a lot about other
people. She will learn even more about herself.
In this stage, children must figure out very complicated issues for the
first time. They must learn how to:
manage conflict with other children
communicate with others, even when they disagree
stand up for themselves
stand up for others
deal with bullies
be loyal, even when it is difficult
be kind, even when others are not
The skills and confidence that your child acquired in earlier stages will
give her a strong foundation for facing these new challenges.
Children who see themselves as good, caring and capable are more
likely to make good decisions.
Children who feel supported and accepted by their parents are more
likely to turn to them for advice and help.
Children who have watched their parents handle conflict, anger and
stress without aggression or violence are more likely to resolve their
own conflicts well.
Children who learned from their parents how to listen, communicate
and treat others with respect are more likely to do the same with their
peers and teachers.
Everything that you did to build a strong, trusting relationship with
your child in the earlier years will now give him strength to handle
difficult situations.
For a child, figuring out all of the complicated parts of relationships is
a huge challenge. He is brand-new at this. He will make mistakes
because he doesn’t understand everything that we understand.
But as he tries, fails and succeeds, he will learn a lot about other
people and about himself. His empathy for others will increase. And
his understanding of his own beliefs and values will grow and grow.
Parents’ major task in this stage is to support and guide their
children. Children look to us as their models and guides
As their first and most important teachers, we can show them through
our own behaviour how to:
respect the rights of others
show kindness
help others
understand when they have hurt others
make amends for their mistakes
apologize from the heart
be loyal
act with integrity
This stage is a very important one because it is a bridge between
childhood and adolescence.
We can build on the foundation we created in the early years. And we
can set the stage for independent decision-making in the teen years.
10-13 ears
10-13 Years:
Your child is about to enter puberty. Many exciting changes are about
to take place.
His body will change. He is no longer a little boy. Your child
is preparing for adulthood. But he is still a child.
This situation can lead to family conflict.
Why is family conflict so common at this stage?
Reason 1
At this stage, children want more independence from their parents.
But parents worry that their children do not yet have all of the
knowledge and skills that they need to make decisions on their own.
Reason 2
The huge changes happening in your child’s body can lead to
moodiness. A child who used to be cheerful might suddenly become
sullen and easily angered.
Reason 3
Children are spending more time with their peers and less
time with their parents. Sometimes, they want to do what their peers
do, even if their parents disapprove.
Reason 4
Children realize at this stage that they might disagree with their
parents. They are forming their own beliefs and figuring out who they
are as individuals.
Reason 5
During this stage, parents can feel afraid for their children. They
might worry about their safety or their health. They might worry that
their children will get into trouble or do poorly in school. Sometimes,
parents feel powerless.
Together, these reasons can lead to frequent family conflict.
Friendships become increasingly important in this stage.
Friends are very important to children’s emotional well-being. They
can be a great source of support, comfort and enjoyment. They can
teach your child skills and help your child to develop new interests.
Children need social supports just like adults do.
But children’s growing interest in making and keeping friends can also
lead to parental concerns. Parents often worry about “peer pressure”
at this stage. Sometimes children will do things that their parents
disagree with just to feel accepted by their peers.
A major parenting challenge at this stage is to keep your child safe
while respecting his growing need for independence.
Ways of Building a Safety Net for Your Child
• Spend time together
° do things together as a family
° talk with him about his friends
° listen to his worries and concerns
° recognize his accomplishments
° tell him about the challenges he will face in the coming years
and let him know you’ll be there to help
° be honest with him
° be affectionate with him
° try to understand the feelings behind his behaviours
• Build her self-esteem
° help her to discover – and to like – who she is
° encourage her to believe in her own abilities
° help her to see her strengths and her special characteristics
• Be involved with her school
° go to school events
° get to know her teachers
° talk with her about her homework and offer your support
° take an interest in what she is reading and discuss it with her
• Get to know his friends
° let them spend time at your home
° meet their families
° attend events that he and his friends are involved in
• Stay close – but at a distance
° know where she is and who she is with, but respect
her growing needs for independence and privacy
° show her that you trust her and believe in her
Ways of Encouraging Your Child’s Independence
• Help him develop his own sense of right and wrong
° talk with him about risky activities and explain why he should
avoid them, like smoking, taking drugs and dangerous
physical dares
° talk with him about your values and listen to his
° talk with him about the physical and emotional changes he will
experience at puberty
° talk with him about the pressures he will face to do things that
he thinks are wrong or dangerous
° help him to plan ahead so that he feels prepared to face
peer pressure
° help him to find ways of resisting peer pressure that will
work for him
• Help her develop a sense of responsibility and competence
° keep her involved in household activities
° talk to her about money and how to use it wisely
° involve her in developing rules and expectations for the family
• Help him develop empathy and respect for others
° encourage him to help people in need
° talk with him about what to do when others are unkind
• Help her to think about the future
° help her set her own goals
° talk with her about the skills and knowledge she would like to
have when she is older
° encourage her to have a dream, a vision of what she wants
her life to be
° help her find ways to reach her goals
All of the building blocks that parents put into place in earlier years
become very important now.
Children who learned early in life that their parents can be trusted are
now more likely to listen to their advice.
Children whose parents nurtured their independence when they were
young are now less likely to be negatively influenced by their peers.
Children who had their feelings respected when they were little are
now more likely to express their fears and worries to their parents.
Children whose parents fostered their confidence early on are now
more likely to believe in themselves.
Children who have received support and guidance from their parents
are now more likely to go to them before trouble strikes.
The relationship you have built with your child will be her anchor as
she makes her journey through adolescence.
Your child is about to enter puberty. Many exciting changes are about
to take place.
His body will change. He is no longer a little boy. Your child
is preparing for adulthood. But he is still a child.
This situation can lead to family conflict.
Why is family conflict so common at this stage?
Reason 1
At this stage, children want more independence from their parents.
But parents worry that their children do not yet have all of the
knowledge and skills that they need to make decisions on their own.
Reason 2
The huge changes happening in your child’s body can lead to
moodiness. A child who used to be cheerful might suddenly become
sullen and easily angered.
Reason 3
Children are spending more time with their peers and less
time with their parents. Sometimes, they want to do what their peers
do, even if their parents disapprove.
Reason 4
Children realize at this stage that they might disagree with their
parents. They are forming their own beliefs and figuring out who they
are as individuals.
Reason 5
During this stage, parents can feel afraid for their children. They
might worry about their safety or their health. They might worry that
their children will get into trouble or do poorly in school. Sometimes,
parents feel powerless.
Together, these reasons can lead to frequent family conflict.
Friendships become increasingly important in this stage.
Friends are very important to children’s emotional well-being. They
can be a great source of support, comfort and enjoyment. They can
teach your child skills and help your child to develop new interests.
Children need social supports just like adults do.
But children’s growing interest in making and keeping friends can also
lead to parental concerns. Parents often worry about “peer pressure”
at this stage. Sometimes children will do things that their parents
disagree with just to feel accepted by their peers.
A major parenting challenge at this stage is to keep your child safe
while respecting his growing need for independence.
Ways of Building a Safety Net for Your Child
• Spend time together
° do things together as a family
° talk with him about his friends
° listen to his worries and concerns
° recognize his accomplishments
° tell him about the challenges he will face in the coming years
and let him know you’ll be there to help
° be honest with him
° be affectionate with him
° try to understand the feelings behind his behaviours
• Build her self-esteem
° help her to discover – and to like – who she is
° encourage her to believe in her own abilities
° help her to see her strengths and her special characteristics
• Be involved with her school
° go to school events
° get to know her teachers
° talk with her about her homework and offer your support
° take an interest in what she is reading and discuss it with her
• Get to know his friends
° let them spend time at your home
° meet their families
° attend events that he and his friends are involved in
• Stay close – but at a distance
° know where she is and who she is with, but respect
her growing needs for independence and privacy
° show her that you trust her and believe in her
Ways of Encouraging Your Child’s Independence
• Help him develop his own sense of right and wrong
° talk with him about risky activities and explain why he should
avoid them, like smoking, taking drugs and dangerous
physical dares
° talk with him about your values and listen to his
° talk with him about the physical and emotional changes he will
experience at puberty
° talk with him about the pressures he will face to do things that
he thinks are wrong or dangerous
° help him to plan ahead so that he feels prepared to face
peer pressure
° help him to find ways of resisting peer pressure that will
work for him
• Help her develop a sense of responsibility and competence
° keep her involved in household activities
° talk to her about money and how to use it wisely
° involve her in developing rules and expectations for the family
• Help him develop empathy and respect for others
° encourage him to help people in need
° talk with him about what to do when others are unkind
• Help her to think about the future
° help her set her own goals
° talk with her about the skills and knowledge she would like to
have when she is older
° encourage her to have a dream, a vision of what she wants
her life to be
° help her find ways to reach her goals
All of the building blocks that parents put into place in earlier years
become very important now.
Children who learned early in life that their parents can be trusted are
now more likely to listen to their advice.
Children whose parents nurtured their independence when they were
young are now less likely to be negatively influenced by their peers.
Children who had their feelings respected when they were little are
now more likely to express their fears and worries to their parents.
Children whose parents fostered their confidence early on are now
more likely to believe in themselves.
Children who have received support and guidance from their parents
are now more likely to go to them before trouble strikes.
The relationship you have built with your child will be her anchor as
she makes her journey through adolescence.
14-18 ears
14-18 Years:
This is a stage of incredible richness. Your child is now on the edge of
adulthood.
Throughout childhood, he has been practicing for this stage. He has
learned how to:
respect others
resolve conflict without violence
communicate his feelings constructively
stand up for himself and others
During this stage, your child will put all of these important skills to use
every day.
Parents often find that they don’t see their children very much at this
stage. Your child now must use his skills on his own.
Parenting an adolescent can be a joyful experience.
Your child is almost an adult, able to communicate with you about
almost anything. She can think about new ideas, develop her own
ideals and set her own course.
There will be many challenges along the way as you negotiate your
changing relationship. But, as always, those challenges provide
opportunities to teach your child how to make good decisions,
resolve conflict and cope with failure.
In this stage, your child experiments with all kinds of possibilities in
an effort to find out who he really is. His primary task is to find his
own unique identity.
Your child has a powerful drive to express who he is, not who others
expect him to be. He may express himself through a sudden change
in his choice of:
music
clothing
hairstyle
friends
beliefs
food preferences
out-of-school activities
academic interests
plans for the future
Parents sometimes become fearful at this stage. They might think that
everything they have taught their children has been lost.
Their children might develop new religious or political beliefs. They
might stop going to religious services or eating particular foods.
They might dye their hair or dress only in black.
Just as your toddler experimented with objects, your teenager is now
experimenting with his identity. He is trying on different ones to find
out which one fits him best.
To do this, he first must cast off some of his old ways. He is like a
caterpillar shedding his cocoon. He must do this in order to emerge
as his own unique person.
Often, adolescents try on identities that are very different from those
of their parents. They listen to music that their parents don’t like, wear
clothes that their parents don’t like, and hold viewpoints that their
parents disagree with.
By becoming very different from their parents, they are better able to
figure out who they are.
But parents often worry about where their adolescents’ experiments
might take them. Sometimes, youth consider experimenting with
drugs and alcohol. Or they might consider experimenting with sex
and relationships.
Adolescents have difficulty understanding that bad things can happen
to them. They don’t yet fully understand that they can be hurt, that
they can get pregnant, or that they can die. Sometimes they do very
risky things because they believe that nothing will go wrong for them.
They try on adult roles and experiment with things that have been forbidden.
They want to do the things that they have always seen adults
do – including their parents.
Parents often worry that their children are being influenced by other
youth who might lead them to do dangerous things – or by adults
who are poor role models.
Now your child’s trust becomes extremely important. She needs to
know that she can turn to you without fear for information and advice.
She does not want to be controlled. But she does need to know
that you are there, providing clear and honest information, clear
expectations and structure, and a safe environment.
Now the confidence, decision-making ability, communication skills,
self-respect, empathy, and conflict resolution skills that your child has
learned will be put to the test. This is when he needs them most.
Sometimes, in his efforts to make independent choices, he will make
mistakes. Just as he was hurt sometimes as a young child when he
wanted to learn about objects, he may be hurt in his new desire to
learn about life.
And just as you kept his environment safe, gave him information, and
supported his growth as a young child, you can do this now as well.
Your child is testing his wings. He will fall sometimes. But he will
learn to fly with your help.
The most important things that parents can do in this stage are:
strengthening the parent-child connection
monitoring the child’s activities
nurturing the child’s independence
Strengthening the parent-child connection
The parent-child connection began forming when the child was born.
Through building trust and attachment early on, and making this
connection more solid as the child grew, the parent has shaped the
relationship that will launch the teenager into adulthood.
Children are more likely to go through adolescence successfully if
their connections with their parents are:
• warm, kind and loving
• stable, consistent and predictable
Teenagers with strong connections to their parents are more likely to:
• have positive relationships with other adolescents and adults
• feel trusted by their parents and want to maintain that trust
• respond to others with respect and empathy
• have self-confidence and higher self-esteem
• be more cooperative with others
• have better mental health
• listen to and act on their parents’ advice
Parents who treat their teenagers with respect and kindness are more
likely to be treated in the same way in return.
On the other hand, when the parent-child relationship is controlling
and punitive, teenagers are more likely to:
• fear and avoid their parents
• lie to escape punishment
• become depressed and anxious
• feel angry and resentful
• take their anger out on other people
• rebel against their parents
The emotional connection between a parent and an adolescent is the
context for all of their interactions.
A connection that is warm, kind and loving makes it much easier to
guide the youth successfully through this stage.
Monitoring the child’s activities
Providing structure for teenagers is especially challenging because of
their need for greater independence. But even though they need
independence, they also still need their parents’ guidance.
The parent’s task is to provide a map to guide the youth. The parent
will show the youth where the rough roads are and what the safest
routes are to her destination. But the youth will decide which
direction to take.
One of the best ways for a parent to provide the map and guide a
youth along safe routes is through monitoring.
Monitoring means knowing what a teenager is doing, in a way that
respects her need for – and right to – privacy and independence.
Parents can monitor their teens by:
• taking a genuine interest in their activities
• talking with them often
• being around them as much as possible, but not in an
intrusive way
• attending events they are involved in
• knowing who their friends are
• welcoming their friends into their homes
• inviting their friends along on family outings
• knowing what they are doing in their free time
• finding activities that they both enjoy and doing those things
together
• supporting their children in achieving their goals
Monitoring is most successful when parents find ways of interacting
frequently with their teenagers in ways that are positive and fun.
When youth enjoy the time they spend with their parents they are
more likely to:
• see their parents’ monitoring as caring
• spend more time with their parents and less time unsupervised
• feel relaxed about talking with their parents
• listen to their parents’ advice
• want to maintain a positive relationship with their parents
However, when a parent’s interactions with a child are negative,
angry and punitive, teenagers are more likely to:
• see their parents’ monitoring as control and interference
• spend less time with their parents and more time unsupervised
• be afraid to talk to their parents when they have concerns
• reject their parents’ advice
• rebel against their parents
It is extremely important that monitoring is done within the context of
a warm, kind and loving relationship.
Nurturing the child’s independence
Adolescence provides parents with a final opportunity to help their
children practice their decision-making skills in a safe and supportive
environment. Soon the child will be an independent adult.
Parents can make use of this opportunity to nurture their children’s
independence by:
• genuinely respecting their children’s ideas, even when they are
different from their own
• encouraging their children to decide what their values are
• showing unconditional love
• engaging in discussion with their children as equals
• showing confidence in their children’s abilities to make decisions –
and to cope with the outcomes of their decisions
• respecting their children’s feelings
• supporting their children when they make mistakes
• encouraging their children to try again after they fail
• considering their children’s point of view when they feel unfairly treated
• negotiating solutions to disagreements
These experiences lead teenagers to feel trustworthy, optimistic and
capable.
Sometimes, parents discourage their teenagers’ independence
without realizing it. They do this by:
• criticizing their children’s ideas
• making their children feel guilty when they disagree with them
• changing the subject when their children try to talk with them
• dismissing their children’s feelings
• saying “I told you so” when their children make mistakes
• withdrawing love or rejecting them when they have problems
• ignoring their children’s point of view
• being rigid and unwilling to negotiate solutions to disagreements
These experiences can lead teenagers to become resentful, angry and
depressed. They begin to doubt their worth as people and to believe
that they aren’t capable of having good ideas or making good
decisions. They become less independent, relying more on other
people to make their decisions for them.
This is a stage of incredible richness. Your child is now on the edge of
adulthood.
Throughout childhood, he has been practicing for this stage. He has
learned how to:
respect others
resolve conflict without violence
communicate his feelings constructively
stand up for himself and others
During this stage, your child will put all of these important skills to use
every day.
Parents often find that they don’t see their children very much at this
stage. Your child now must use his skills on his own.
Parenting an adolescent can be a joyful experience.
Your child is almost an adult, able to communicate with you about
almost anything. She can think about new ideas, develop her own
ideals and set her own course.
There will be many challenges along the way as you negotiate your
changing relationship. But, as always, those challenges provide
opportunities to teach your child how to make good decisions,
resolve conflict and cope with failure.
In this stage, your child experiments with all kinds of possibilities in
an effort to find out who he really is. His primary task is to find his
own unique identity.
Your child has a powerful drive to express who he is, not who others
expect him to be. He may express himself through a sudden change
in his choice of:
music
clothing
hairstyle
friends
beliefs
food preferences
out-of-school activities
academic interests
plans for the future
Parents sometimes become fearful at this stage. They might think that
everything they have taught their children has been lost.
Their children might develop new religious or political beliefs. They
might stop going to religious services or eating particular foods.
They might dye their hair or dress only in black.
Just as your toddler experimented with objects, your teenager is now
experimenting with his identity. He is trying on different ones to find
out which one fits him best.
To do this, he first must cast off some of his old ways. He is like a
caterpillar shedding his cocoon. He must do this in order to emerge
as his own unique person.
Often, adolescents try on identities that are very different from those
of their parents. They listen to music that their parents don’t like, wear
clothes that their parents don’t like, and hold viewpoints that their
parents disagree with.
By becoming very different from their parents, they are better able to
figure out who they are.
But parents often worry about where their adolescents’ experiments
might take them. Sometimes, youth consider experimenting with
drugs and alcohol. Or they might consider experimenting with sex
and relationships.
Adolescents have difficulty understanding that bad things can happen
to them. They don’t yet fully understand that they can be hurt, that
they can get pregnant, or that they can die. Sometimes they do very
risky things because they believe that nothing will go wrong for them.
They try on adult roles and experiment with things that have been forbidden.
They want to do the things that they have always seen adults
do – including their parents.
Parents often worry that their children are being influenced by other
youth who might lead them to do dangerous things – or by adults
who are poor role models.
Now your child’s trust becomes extremely important. She needs to
know that she can turn to you without fear for information and advice.
She does not want to be controlled. But she does need to know
that you are there, providing clear and honest information, clear
expectations and structure, and a safe environment.
Now the confidence, decision-making ability, communication skills,
self-respect, empathy, and conflict resolution skills that your child has
learned will be put to the test. This is when he needs them most.
Sometimes, in his efforts to make independent choices, he will make
mistakes. Just as he was hurt sometimes as a young child when he
wanted to learn about objects, he may be hurt in his new desire to
learn about life.
And just as you kept his environment safe, gave him information, and
supported his growth as a young child, you can do this now as well.
Your child is testing his wings. He will fall sometimes. But he will
learn to fly with your help.
The most important things that parents can do in this stage are:
strengthening the parent-child connection
monitoring the child’s activities
nurturing the child’s independence
Strengthening the parent-child connection
The parent-child connection began forming when the child was born.
Through building trust and attachment early on, and making this
connection more solid as the child grew, the parent has shaped the
relationship that will launch the teenager into adulthood.
Children are more likely to go through adolescence successfully if
their connections with their parents are:
• warm, kind and loving
• stable, consistent and predictable
Teenagers with strong connections to their parents are more likely to:
• have positive relationships with other adolescents and adults
• feel trusted by their parents and want to maintain that trust
• respond to others with respect and empathy
• have self-confidence and higher self-esteem
• be more cooperative with others
• have better mental health
• listen to and act on their parents’ advice
Parents who treat their teenagers with respect and kindness are more
likely to be treated in the same way in return.
On the other hand, when the parent-child relationship is controlling
and punitive, teenagers are more likely to:
• fear and avoid their parents
• lie to escape punishment
• become depressed and anxious
• feel angry and resentful
• take their anger out on other people
• rebel against their parents
The emotional connection between a parent and an adolescent is the
context for all of their interactions.
A connection that is warm, kind and loving makes it much easier to
guide the youth successfully through this stage.
Monitoring the child’s activities
Providing structure for teenagers is especially challenging because of
their need for greater independence. But even though they need
independence, they also still need their parents’ guidance.
The parent’s task is to provide a map to guide the youth. The parent
will show the youth where the rough roads are and what the safest
routes are to her destination. But the youth will decide which
direction to take.
One of the best ways for a parent to provide the map and guide a
youth along safe routes is through monitoring.
Monitoring means knowing what a teenager is doing, in a way that
respects her need for – and right to – privacy and independence.
Parents can monitor their teens by:
• taking a genuine interest in their activities
• talking with them often
• being around them as much as possible, but not in an
intrusive way
• attending events they are involved in
• knowing who their friends are
• welcoming their friends into their homes
• inviting their friends along on family outings
• knowing what they are doing in their free time
• finding activities that they both enjoy and doing those things
together
• supporting their children in achieving their goals
Monitoring is most successful when parents find ways of interacting
frequently with their teenagers in ways that are positive and fun.
When youth enjoy the time they spend with their parents they are
more likely to:
• see their parents’ monitoring as caring
• spend more time with their parents and less time unsupervised
• feel relaxed about talking with their parents
• listen to their parents’ advice
• want to maintain a positive relationship with their parents
However, when a parent’s interactions with a child are negative,
angry and punitive, teenagers are more likely to:
• see their parents’ monitoring as control and interference
• spend less time with their parents and more time unsupervised
• be afraid to talk to their parents when they have concerns
• reject their parents’ advice
• rebel against their parents
It is extremely important that monitoring is done within the context of
a warm, kind and loving relationship.
Nurturing the child’s independence
Adolescence provides parents with a final opportunity to help their
children practice their decision-making skills in a safe and supportive
environment. Soon the child will be an independent adult.
Parents can make use of this opportunity to nurture their children’s
independence by:
• genuinely respecting their children’s ideas, even when they are
different from their own
• encouraging their children to decide what their values are
• showing unconditional love
• engaging in discussion with their children as equals
• showing confidence in their children’s abilities to make decisions –
and to cope with the outcomes of their decisions
• respecting their children’s feelings
• supporting their children when they make mistakes
• encouraging their children to try again after they fail
• considering their children’s point of view when they feel unfairly treated
• negotiating solutions to disagreements
These experiences lead teenagers to feel trustworthy, optimistic and
capable.
Sometimes, parents discourage their teenagers’ independence
without realizing it. They do this by:
• criticizing their children’s ideas
• making their children feel guilty when they disagree with them
• changing the subject when their children try to talk with them
• dismissing their children’s feelings
• saying “I told you so” when their children make mistakes
• withdrawing love or rejecting them when they have problems
• ignoring their children’s point of view
• being rigid and unwilling to negotiate solutions to disagreements
These experiences can lead teenagers to become resentful, angry and
depressed. They begin to doubt their worth as people and to believe
that they aren’t capable of having good ideas or making good
decisions. They become less independent, relying more on other
people to make their decisions for them.