|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:19 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 3:20 am
 |
|
|
|
One Hell Of A Night
Mike tugged slightly on his suit to straighten it as he took off his sunglasses with the free hand. Faintly, he could hear light jazz music from inside the bar before he pushed the polished gold-imprinted glass door open, the hanging sign that wrote ‘Welcome’ shook a little with the force. His brown eyes took a short glance at the interior, taking in the dim candle-shaped lightings, the well polished black marble bar top, small wooden planked stage, the shiny black marble dance floor, and the maroon chic coloured carpet at the dining area. If one would want to describe it, it would be along the words of ‘elegant’ or ‘classy’.
Mike slowly made his way towards the bar table as he took the time to look at the people around him. There were a few couples on the dance floor, swaying to the slow music, while many others sat around at the tables listening to the live band. It was considered exceptionally quiet as compared to many other pubs and bars he’s been to. Mike sat down at the maroon leather bar top chair and lean against the bar top; his eyes continue to scan the room, searching, hunting.
Yet Mike could not set his eyes on someone; the girls are either already engaged with a male escort, or they were just too bland for his taste. He was after-all, a self-proclaimed womaniser, the lady must be of a certain class to be hand-picked by him, whether in society status or appearance at least.
Just then, the door opened and Mike took a quick look in that direction, before a smirk crept up upon his lips unconsciously.
A woman, about his age, walked in and passed Mike to sit at an empty table. The lady, ‘Lyna’ as he heard the bartender when he gave her a greeting, leaned back on the soft comfortable sofa, while her well-toned arms resting themselves on the sides of the armchair after dumping her black Gucci handbag beside her. She cocked her head to the side to push her dark blue bangs to the side, revealing her pretty face; a pair of matching deep blue eyes and straight nose, combined with a pair of cherry-coloured pouty lips that settled themselves nicely on her pale, flawless skin.
Her dress is of an exquisite one as well, a cross-back black knee-length dress, with a cut opening on the left that exposed her long milky legs as she crossed them elegantly, the whole dress-up complimented with a pair of studded blackish-grey open-toed heels.
If there is one woman that Mike would love to pick, it would be one with exotic appearance and taste, the latter being very important. After-all, no matter how pretty a woman looked, if she has absolutely no taste in her dress-up, she would be like a cup of vanilla ice-cream; tasty perhaps, but definitely undeniably boring.
Not to mention, she was giving of an aura of confidence and arrogance, a type of provocative sexiness combined with a hint of innocence and playfulness; a warning to any challenger. Mike was captivated, he admits, especially if it is a downright challenge addressed to him.
---
“Is this seat occupied?”
Lyna looked up to the new voice, her blue eyes observing the new stranger in front of her. She’s not surprised at all; it is a bar where people get picked up all the time, and it’s not as if she’s ugly. In fact, she is sure that she definitely have some charm, either appearance or personality. She bit her lower lip to suppress a small smirk that threatened to spread onto her full lips, but that just made her look more attractive in Mike’s eyes.
Lyna gave a brief nod as she gestured the stranger to take a seat, taking a good look at the newcomer. Truth be told, she was slightly captivated. That deep manly voice and neat appearance gave her a good first impression. It was presentable, and suits the bar atmosphere very well. Being the bar’s regular, Lyna was positive that she had never met this guy.
“First time here?” She asked, starting a conversation. If this new guy is just a pretty shell, she would much rather be alone.
“Yea,” Lyna watch as the other gave a casual answer, adjusting to find a comfortable position on the opposite armchair all the while keeping eye-contact with her. ‘Confident, a good bonus for any good looking guy out there’ Lyna thought as she smiled. In the past, there were a few brave souls that dared to test their luck with her, yet failed with keeping eye-contact with her. They were either busy staring at her legs or some disgusting idiots, her chest area, or looking at the red carpet floor with utmost interest. They were immediately eliminated from her list of course, especially the perverts. They were blacklisted, almost literally.
Yet today this new guy, who had just introduced himself as ‘Mike’ without stuttering, might just stand a chance. Might.
“Interesting...you’re the only one in the past few days that is able to keep a straight conversation with me.” Lyna stated smoothly.
“Really? Well, I suppose it is not easy for some when coming face to face with a beauty like you,” Mike replied, ending with a wink that got Lyna amused.
“Oh~? And I suppose it’s easy for you?”
Mike chuckled, “You’re a beauty, I admit, but I’m not that bad either.”
Lyna gave a light laughter, using her right hand to cover her mouth when doing so. Elegance, was what she was taught through the years. “Confident, are we?”
Mike just shrugged a little, “Well, I am irresistible to most woman.”
That made Lyna arches her eyebrow involuntarily. If there was one thing Lyna would never choose a guy due to it, it would be an overly-confident, cocky and egoistic personality, which unfortunately seems to slowly unveiled itself as their small chat continued. No matter how cute a guy looks, how smart he dresses, if his personality sucks, that’s it.
“Irresistible, you say?” Lyna asked, leaning forward and placed her head on her palm which had rested itself on the table.
“Are you not least bit attracted?” Mike asked back in a teasing tone, leaning himself forward as well while Lyna pulled herself back to rest against the back of the armchair, each of elbow rested itself on the sides of the arm rest, her long slender fingers crossing each other. Lightly, she rested her head on top of the fingertips and gave a coy smile.
“The only time I find a guy irresistible...hmm, do you want to know?” she asked, cocking her head to a side, widening her huge eyes as it sparkled with a ting of amusement and excitement.
Mike gulped a little upon seeing the lady in front of him, but calmed himself down just in time before he made a fool of himself there and then. The lady in front of him is sure interesting, and he was sure that he was going to have one hell of a night that day. “I’m all ears,” he replied, interested in what kind of guy is able to attract this sexy fox.
“Then let me grant you your wish,” Lyna whispered as she hid her smirk behind her hands. If this boy wants a memorable night, he will get what he wants, whether he actually enjoyed it or not...is another case altogether.
Mike arched his eyebrows for a second. He was sure that he heard her mumbled something, but the lady in front of him did nothing but to smile. Seeing that she was not expecting any response, Mike threw that slightly uncomfortable feeling to the back of his head as he tried to continue the conversation with Lyna. Obviously, he did not see the quick incarnation Lyna had sealed the ‘promise’ with.
“So, tell me more about yourself first,” Lyna started the conversation before Mike had the chance to, and Mike couldn’t help but think that Lyna has a high competitive streak and likes to be in the lead. This was rare among the women that he had flirted with before, and that got him geared up. Oh how badly he wanted to impress her, to win her over. He didn’t manage to foresee that the tables have been turned, that the ‘hunter’ is now being hunted.
---
Mike had been busy talking about his flamboyant adventures and ambitions, personality and ideals that he didn’t realised that he had been talking for a near twenty minutes now. As he ranted on, Lyna made no move to stop him, but instead seemed to be encouraging him by nodding now and then, laughing at several incidents that Mike had intended to say to evoke such responses.
It wasn’t until Lyna had interrupted Mike during one of his many pauses to tell him that she’s “thirsty and itching for a glass of Manhattan’, and that she would really appreciate if ‘any gentleman can fulfil her satisfaction’, did Mike realised his unconscious rant.
“I’ll be back,” Mike replied to Lyna’s innocent-looking pout as he stood up immediately and headed towards the bar top, failing to see Lyna’s smirk when he turned on his heels. The well-fitted clothes had already seemed loose at the boy was talking away just now, the jacket had started to look oversized and all, and Lyna was trying her hardest not to laugh out loud. After-all, this is just the beginning of the real fun.
---
As Mike made his way towards the counter, he couldn’t help but feel weird. His left hand subconsciously made its way to the hem of his pants as he pulled at it, realising that it had just gotten...loose. It’s weird since he likes to wear fitting pants, not to mention he had worn a belt over it so it shouldn’t be slipping down his sexy hips.
Shrugging the thoughts away as he neared the bartender, who was somehow looking at him with a slightly taunting and amused expression. “Two Manhattans please,” Mike spoke to the bartender as he struggled to lean against the smooth marble top. Wait, since when did he have to struggle?
“...Oh well, mister, I suggest you go home before your mommy catches you here.”
“...Exccoding: gzip,deflate
Accept-Chad, not a least bit amused by the bartender’s comment.
“If you insist on the drinks...then I’m sorry but to ask for your proof of age,” the bartender continued, not even looking at Mike while he shook a mixture for another customer.
“...”
Seeing as Mike made no movement, the bartender poured the blue mixture into a cup as he repeated his request.
“That means your identification card, boy.”
“I understand what that means!” Mike spat, feeling insulted as he reached into his sagging pants for his wallet and drew his ID out. “See, I’m obviously of age.”
The bartender finally looked up from his work as he eyed the ID, then looked at Mike before chuckling. “Where did you get the ID from, looks convincing, but well, denied.”
“What do you mean denied?” Mike asked, half shouting due to frustration as his voice cracked a little. Instinctively, his fingers found themselves on his throat. Did he just crack his voice?
Putting down his work altogether, the bartender leaned himself onto the bar top table as he looked down at Mike. “Look kiddo. Nice try in sneaking out your daddy’s clothes and snooping a fake ID, but you’re obviously far from legal to try alcoholic stuff, so why don’t you just go home to your mommy?”
“Wha-?” Mike shouted, his voice sounding like a pre-teen desperate to grow up as it cracked several octaves high and low. Angry, he wanted to slam his hand on the bar top before he realised that he was looking up at the table; the surface way above his head, his hands looking squished and small.
“What’s happening?” he squealed, sounding like a dolphin which he was about a decade ago. It didn’t take long to realised he is at eye-level with the cushion seat of the bar top chair, which somehow looked frightening huge and uncomfortable. He took a step back, shocked and half stunned, only to stumble in the now really over-sized and sagged pants and fell. He bit his lower lip, trying hard not to cry, confusion, shock and fright all spelt on his baby-fat ridden face.
---
Lyna laughed out loud from where she was sitting; she was having much fun alright. It is amusing, really, seeing how the man had turned into a small child, squirming and squealing in fright. Alright, maybe she is a little harsh, but if he’s a real man he should be able to take it hands down.
Oh right, he’s only human.
Lyna stood up from the table; it’s time to start clearing the mess she’s made. She took a few long strides, arriving in front of what’s left of Mr Mike –a baby of mere few months old. She watched as the baby’s eyes widened, the small body shaking with fear. Even though she had changed the physical appearance of Mike, she can’t really do anything about his mentality. So basically, he’s a 23 year-old soul stuck in a 5 month body.
She scooped Mike baby onto the bar top table as he continue to squirm, finally realising the cause of everything. She fished around in her bag as she tried to coo the baby. Finally finding it, she worn the diaper on Mike and wrap a shawl around him.
“Now, you’re really irresistible to women,” she taunted, settling him on the table, pinching his bubbly marshmallow-like cheeks while doing so.
The bartender sighed at the sight in front of him. “Lyna, sometimes I think you’re really a devil.”
“Well, I’m a demon, doesn’t that makes me his cousin?” Lyna replied, winking, “besides, I’m sure it will be a good experience for his little guy here.”
“Hell yea, it’s one hell of a night for him.”
---
Mike woke up, sweating as he hugged himself, then realised he was in adult form alright. He took a glance at the clock he hung above the work table, and noted that it was wee hours of the morning. His head felt a little light, and he reckoned it must be the alcohol that caused the nightmare.
He leaned back onto the soft mattress he find oh-so-comforting at that moment, as his left hand rummaged about the side table for his handphone, and screamed upon seeing it.
The screensaver of his prada phone is a picture of Lyna, and a baby wrapped in a black shawl with much resemblance to him, and at the bottom written a line, “Don’t cross women.”
And Mike is sure he had learnt his lesson.
2467 words
|
 |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Priestess of Neptune Crew
|
Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:51 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 7:00 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 25, 2009 7:26 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:52 pm
|
|
|
|
I write my critiques in the same format each time, beginning with edits, then ending with my opinion. Note that I do not suggest style edits unless you would like them; however, in some places something may be grammatically correct, but garbled or requiring attention regardless of its status as a stylistic "mistake". Do not feel obligated to change such things, although I recommend that you do so. Edits:
--off his sunglasses with the free hand - I suggest changing "the" to "his" for parallelism.
--Faintly, he could hear light jazz - the way this is written, he is faintly. I presume you mean that the music is heard faintly - moving "faintly" before "hear" will solve this.
--pushed the polished gold-imprinted glass door open - Depending upon your meaning, there are several choices for adjusting this. The simplest would be to insert a comma after "polished", which would indicate that the entire door has been polished. However, if you wish to denote only the gold as having been polished, you may move the hyphen to between "polished" and "gold", then include no comma anywhere. If you opt for this second approach, I suggest re-evaluating whether "imprinted" is the diction you would like. Perhaps you were thinking "gilded", "inlayed", or "printed". An "imprint" suggests that the gold has been sunk into the glass, which would be quite difficult to do.
--the hanging sign that wrote ‘Welcome’ shook - The sign writes "welcome"? I suggest elucidating on your diction here, or else changing it.
--the well polished black marble bar top - "well-polished" ought to be hyphenated.
--small wooden planked stage - Again, there are choices as to how this is written. If you wish to place emphasis upon the size, place a comma after "small". "wood-planked" should be hyphenated. If the planks had been "wooded" (a verb; note that it does not mean that they are made from wood), then it still ought to be "wooded-planked".
--and the maroon chic coloured carpet at the dining area - While chic is an adjective, it is not a colour. Thus, you need to re-order your adjectives to note that maroon is chic: "chic, maroon-coloured carpet", or conversely, chic may by employed as an adverb: "chicly maroon-coloured carpet" depending upon the speed at which you would like this read.
--If one would want to describe it, it would be along the words of ‘elegant’ or ‘classy’. - this is a style edit, so you may choose to ignore it if you so please. I suggest removing the passive voice by terminating the first "would", and changing "want" to "wanted". Additionally, your second clause is ungainly, likely because of your subversion of a bromide. Either using the original bromide, or dropping it altogether will make this read more easily.
--Mike sat down at the maroon leather bar top chair and lean against the bar top; his eyes continue to scan - A few errors are present here. "bar-top" ought to hyphenated (I have never heard of that particular type of chair before - what are they?), and Mike is likely sitting on the chair, rather than at it. You might have been meaning to have him sit at the bar, though - if so, you will need to do some rearranging. Additionally, "lean" ought to be "leaned". You have also changed tenses after the semi-colon - choose one tense for the entire sentence.
--the girls are either already engaged with a male escort, or they were just too bland for his taste. - This is style, so disregard it if you are so inclined. I suggest changing either "are" or "were" to its companion for parallelism.
--He was after-all, a self-proclaimed womaniser, the lady must be of a certain class to be hand-picked by him - Again, a few mistakes: "after all" does not require hyphenation. Including a comma after "was" will make this read more easily, as well as place emphasis on "after all" - note that this will make the sentence more colloquial. If you desire for it to be less colloquial, remove "after all". "Womanizer" is spelled with a "z" in American. Also, the comma after "womanizer" ought to be a semi-colon, as you have two distinct, yet connected thoughts.
--whether in society status or appearance at least. - There needs to be a comma after "status".
--before a smirk crept up upon his lips unconsciously - The way this is written, the smirk is creeping unconsciously.
--A woman, about his age, walked in and passed Mike - You may opt to disinclude the commas around "about his age", as the are not required. Including them places emphasis on that, but it also greatly slows down the sentence - I personally feel the trade-off is not worthwhile, and would remove them.
--‘Lyna’ as he heard the bartender when he gave her a greeting, - this subordinate clause oughtn't be one - add a verb after "bartender".
--while her well-toned arms resting themselves on the sides of the armchair after dumping her black Gucci handbag beside her. - Syntax error - "while her arms resting themselves" requires a few adjustments to be permissible in the context of the rest of the sentence. If you would like to include this segment as-is, let me know; I suggest a simpler solution - remove "while", and change "resting" to "rested".
-- She cocked her head to the side to push her dark blue bangs to the side - Style again. You have used "side" twice in the same sentence.
--revealing her pretty face; a pair of matching deep blue eyes and straight nose, combined with a pair - A few edits. The semi-colon needs to be a colon, as you are making a "list", not a segway to a new thought. The way this is written, the eyes match the nose - I presume that you meant that the eyes match each other. Solve this by adding a comma after "eyes", and removing "and", then adding "all" before "combined".
--cherry-coloured pouty lips - Optional comma before "pouty", depending upon how you would like this to be read.
--Her dress is of an exquisite one as well - remove "of" - there is no reference to what one it is of. Continuity note: you have not mentioned any other dresses that are exquisite to compare this to, so the "as well" makes little sense, unless you are implying that Mike is wearing a dress. I would not have thought that this is the case immediately, so if it is, I suggest making that clear before this line.
--exposed her long milky legs - Optional comma after "long" depending upon how you would like this to be read.
--as she crossed them elegantly, - Another style suggestion, this one the same as the last. You have used the base "cross" twice in this sentence. Changing the diction on one would be advisable.
--After-all, no matter how pretty a woman looked - Remove the hyphenation from "after all".
--she would be like a cup of vanilla ice-cream; tasty perhaps, but definitely undeniably boring. - Change the semi-colon to either a colon, if you desire a shorter pause, or a hyphen if you wish a minutely longer pause, but with more emphasis on the second segment.
--Not to mention, she was giving of an aura of confidence and arrogance, - You cannot begin a paragraph with both a bromide (my rule) and a reference that has no reference (syntax rule). Change "of" to "off", although I suggest you study your diction in your choice of "giving off".
--Lyna looked up to the new voice, her blue eyes observing the new stranger in front of her. - Style. Third time. You have used "new" twice in the same sentence.
--it is a bar where people get picked - "it" has no reference. The easiest solution would be to change "it" to "she was in" or something of concordant intent.
--she is sure that she definitely have some charm, either appearance or personality - Change "have" to "has". Your diction of "either" is questionable - this woman does not know which of her attributes are attractive, yet knows that one is? I find this hard to believe.
--That deep manly voice and neat appearance gave her a good first impression.- optional comma after "deep", depending upon how you would like this to be read. I suggest going without, however. The way this is written, the voice and appearance are her impression TO Mike, not his to her.
--It was presentable, and suits the bar atmosphere very well. - What is presentable? "It" has no reference.
--Being the bar’s regular, Lyna was positive that she had never met this guy. - The way this is written, Lyna is the only regular at the bar.
--Lyna watch as the other gave a casual answer, - Change "watch" to "watched".
--adjusting to find a comfortable position on the opposite armchair all the while keeping eye-contact - Add a comma after "armchair".
-- ‘Confident, a good bonus for any good looking guy out there’ Lyna thought as she smiled. - Thoughts are typically denoted by italics.
--They were either busy staring at her legs or some disgusting idiots, her chest - They are staring at disgusting idiots? I suggest rearranging this entire sentence so that you do not need to worry with intricate references.
--you’re the only one in the past few days that is able to keep - Change "is" to "has been".
--Lyna gave a light laughter, - Change "laughter" to "laugh".
-- Elegance, was what she was taught through the years. - This is style. Your inclusion of a comma after "elegance" places a copious amount of stress upon "elegance". Are you sure you would like your sentence to be so unbalanced? Is it that important?
--That made Lyna arches her eyebrow involuntarily. - Change "arches" to "arch".
I shall finish the remainder at a later time. Do not hesitate to discuss the edits composed thus far with me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Priestess of Neptune Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 31, 2009 8:45 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:40 pm
|
Priestess of Neptune Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Priestess of Neptune Crew
|
Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:48 pm
|
|
|
 |
-- If there was one thing Lyna would never choose a guy due to it - Your syntax makes this sentence nonsensical. I suggest re-wording the entire phrase, but using a loose sentence structure instead of periodic.
--seems to slowly unveiled itself - tense disagreement.
--No matter how cute a guy looks, how smart he dresses, if his personality sucks, that’s it. - This is from a narrator's POV, unlike the rest of the paragraph, and is also written very colloquially.
--while Lyna pulled herself back to rest against the back of the armchair, each of elbow rested itself on the sides of the arm rest, - You have used "back" twice in the same sentence. Also "Each of elbow" makes no sense, and I cannot fathom what you were attempting to say.
--Lightly, she rested her head on top of the fingertips and gave a coy smile.- The way this is written, she is lightly. You likely meant that she rested her head lightly - if so, move "lightly" after "she".
--widening her huge eyes as it sparkled - As what sparkled? Your pronoun "it" has no reference.
--with a ting of amusement and excitement. - I have never seen the word "ting" before, and with a guess (followed by confirming research) that it would be a sound, I cannot understand its usage in this case.
--The lady in front of him is sure interesting, and he was sure that he was going to have one hell of a night that day. - You have changed POV within the same sentence - choose one, preferably the same POV that the rest of the paragraph is in. The first clause is also grammatically incorrect in addition to both clauses being colloquial.
--he replied, interested in what kind of guy is able to attract this sexy fox. - Ditto to the above.
--If this boy wants a memorable night, he will get what he wants, whether he actually enjoyed it or not...is another case altogether. - Ditto.
--He was sure that he heard her mumbled something, - Tense disagreement.
--but the lady in front of him did nothing but to smile- you have used the infinitive here ("to smile"), which is incorrect - remove "to".
--Obviously, he did not see the quick incarnation Lyna had sealed the ‘promise’ with. - Using "obviously" in formal writing is a no-no - nothing is obvious. Also, I do not understand what you mean by "incarnation" - I suggest reviewing your diction here.
--Lyna started the conversation before Mike had the chance to,- Continuity error - the conversation has already been started.
--and Mike couldn’t help but think that Lyna has a high competitive streak and likes to be in the lead. - Tense disagreement - your tense in these two clauses does not match that of the proceeding part of the sentence.
--He didn’t manage to foresee that the tables have been turned, that the ‘hunter’ is now being hunted. - Tense disagreement. Your use of a bromide is informal.
--Mike had been busy talking about his flamboyant adventures and ambitions, personality and ideals that he didn’t realised that he had been talking for a near twenty minutes now. - Tense disagreement.
--It wasn’t until Lyna had interrupted Mike during one of his many pauses to tell him that she’s “thirsty and itching for a glass of Manhattan’, and that she would really appreciate if ‘any gentleman can fulfil her satisfaction’, did Mike realised his unconscious rant. - "It" has no reference. Tense disagreement.
--he well-fitted clothes had already seemed loose at the boy was talking away just now, the jacket had started to look oversized and all, and Lyna was trying her hardest not to laugh out loud. After-all, this is just the beginning of the real fun. - This entire segment is nonsensical. With the number of errors and changes to be made, I suggest re-writing the section instead.
--His left hand subconsciously made its way to the hem of his pants as he pulled at it, realising that it had just gotten...loose. - Continuity error - one does not make a subconscious action as a result of a conscious realization. I question your use of ellipsis, but that is a stylistic edit.
--It’s weird since he likes to wear fitting pants, not to mention he had worn a belt over it so it shouldn’t be slipping down his sexy hips. - "It's" has no reference. You have changed the POV. As a personal note, I find it strange that he thinks his own hips are "sexy".
--“...Oh well, mister, I suggest you go home before your mommy catches you here.”
“...Exccoding: gzip,deflate
Accept-Chad, not a least bit amused by the bartender’s comment. - ?
--Seeing as Mike made no movement, the bartender poured the blue mixture into a cup as he repeated his request. - Your use of "as" is incorrect in this structure. I apologize for being unable to provide a succinct grammatical reason for this.
--Nice try in sneaking out your daddy’s clothes and snooping a fake ID, - Your use of "in" is incorrect. I also question your diction of "snooping".
--sounding like a dolphin which he was about a decade ago - This is nonsensical.
--It didn’t take long to realised he is at eye-level with the cushion seat of the bar top chair, which somehow looked frightening huge and uncomfortable. - Tense disagreements.
--only to stumble in the now really over-sized and sagged pants and fell- "really" is colloquial. "Sagged" is not an adjective in this case.
--It is amusing, really, seeing how the man had turned into a small child, squirming and squealing in fright.- POV change.
--Alright, maybe she is a little harsh, but if he’s a real man he should be able to take it hands down. - POV change. This sentence is colloquial.
--Lyna stood up from the table; it’s time to start clearing the mess she’s made. - Tense disagreement.
--She took a few long strides, arriving in front of what’s left of Mr Mike - Ditto.
--a baby of mere few months old. - You are missing the article "a" before "mere".
--Even though she had changed the physical appearance of Mike, she can’t really do anything about his mentality. So basically, he’s a 23 year-old soul stuck in a 5 month body. - POV change.
--She scooped Mike baby onto the bar top table as he continue to squirm, - "Mike-baby" should be hyphenated, or else "baby" should precede "Mike". Tense disagreement.
-- Finally finding it, she worn the diaper on Mike and wrap a shawl around him. - Incorrect verb usage ("worn"), tense disagreement.
--“Well, I’m a demon, doesn’t that makes me his cousin?” Lyna replied, winking,- In the Western faiths, demons are fallen angels, not relations to Satan. In most Eastern faiths, demons do not exist, so the query is moot.
--“Hell yea, it’s one hell of a night for him.” - "Hell" has been used twice in one sentence.
--then realised he was in adult form alright - Colloquial.
--and noted that it was wee hours of the morning. - You are missing the article "the" before "wee".
--He leaned back onto the soft mattress he find oh-so-comforting at that moment- tense disagreement.
-- as his left hand rummaged about the side table for his handphone, and screamed upon seeing it.- The way this is written, his hand is screaming.
--And Mike is sure he had learnt his lesson. - POV and tense change. Also, sentences may not be started with "and".
My opinion: Please proofread before you ask another to do so. I noted a multitude of mistakes in tense - choose one tense for the entire piece, and do not deviate from it, unless you are changing the tense of a minimum of an entire paragraph. Also, your POV fluctuates with no rational reason for doing so - again, choose one, and maintain it unless you change a minimum of one entire paragraph. The tone of the entire piece is colloquial - the use of bromides and colloquial diction distracts the reader, and weakens the piece by making it harder to "get into". You have often told, rather than showing your points - remember, "show, don't tell". The program of the piece is lacking - there is no "why" to it, although you attempted to include one - your ending "don't cross women" is not supported by anything within the text, and while it is a good maxim, it does not relate to your plot. Your character motivation for Mike is lucid, but Lyna is flat - the reader does not understand why she acts as she does. Description of action is good, if a bit heavy-handed - you do not need to detail every action that is made. Setting was implied and included with little detail, but enough that it is there.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
